Realistic Resolutions
I should probably be more realistic about my New Year’s resolutions.
Like many of you, I will eat better…
For a week.
I’ll look deep into the eyes of my family and friends to articulate how much they matter…
Just as infrequently as ever.
And I’ll exercise with WAY more intensity…
(until I get tired of doing that)
So, instead of improvement, maybe my goal for the new year should be avoiding any further decay. On that note, here are…
The 10 types of people I want to avoid becoming in 2020:
- Dude who uses his speakerphone in public.
What possible explanation is there for being that annoying? I certainly can’t go down the path of speakerphone dude in this new year. Because then I’ll just be a quick hop away from becoming a total sociopath….one who does the darkest of deeds…yes, texting in a movie theater. It’s critical I keep a close eye on my speakerphone use in 2020.
- Man who wakes people up from naps for no
reason at all.
You know the type, right? That special breed of jackass who wakes people up just to say something inane like, “Wow you were out for a while, huh?”
- Guy who says “that’s hilarious” instead of
laughing.
It seems so simple. When something is funny, humans laugh. How the hell do you mess with a natural reaction that even a toddler has perfected? Hopefully I’ll make it through the new year without screwing up my basic human instincts.
- Someone who insists on greeting others with a kiss on the cheek.
How does that work, exactly? Do I kiss one cheek or both? Is there some light fondling involved? Man, I feel like I just figured out all of the various handshakes. Well, hopefully I can continue to draw the line at hugging.
- A person who uses phrases like “the biz” or “the hobby.”
Clearly, this is unforgivable. But, beyond that, if I start using words like “slay,” “hashtag triggered,” or “movember,” please find me and scream loudly in my face. I will deserve that.
- Guy who can’t figure out how to enter an elevator.
After a lifetime of getting into elevators, why is it still such an unsolvable puzzle for some? Is it really that difficult to let people out before trying to squeeze awkwardly past them? Fingers crossed that I can escape 2020 without joining the ranks of the elevator morons.
- Dude who brings his stinky food on an airplane.
Remember the middle seat guy who ate a can of tuna 90 minutes after takeoff? Well, I do. Because he sat inches from me last week and I’m still recovering from it. Which brings us to…
- Foodie who makes weirdly sexual noises when eating.
I enjoy great cuisine as much as anyone, but do we actually need to hear orgasmic moaning in a restaurant? If you happen to hear those types of sounds from me at a dinner table in the new year, please consider it a midlife crisis situation. And send help.
- Person who won’t learn the difference between “your” and “you’re.”
Normally, I’d say that’s the rock-bottom scenario for me. But there’s still one potential 2020 outcome that’s far more disturbing…
- Dude who continues to say “Happy New Year” in April.
If I become that type of creature, it will probably mean that I’m also a leave-the-Christmas-lights-up-all-year man. Which is a clear indication that I’ve given up completely. No matter how bad this year gets…even if all else fails…I must draw the line at “Happy New Year” greetings before winter turns to spring.
Since it’s only January 1st, it’s still safe to wish you guys all the best in 2020. Let’s all aspire to be something…anything…other than the people above. Happy new year, nerds!
