A Simple Time
Let’s gather around the campfire, close our eyes, and try to visualize the days of yore.
Maybe we’ll even be able to remember that a society existed before the coronavirus mass freakout.
Wait, I think I remember it…
It’s all starting to come back to me now…
Such a simple era it was.
(That historic period known as 2 weeks ago in mid-February)
Ah, those were the days…
Our big freakout back then was the “issue” of people reclining on airplanes.
Remember that?
Since I lack the brainpower to solve anything virus-related, I’ll just buckle down and focus on a subject I know very well…
Jackassery.
Think of the coolest humans you’ve ever known. Because I think I can tell you a special trait they all share. Something only found in the best of the best. It’s not about money, status, or being a perfect person. We all screw up constantly in our lives. But the cream of the crop can do something that the masses cannot…
They have an ability to look at their behavior and say:
“Yeah, I was a jackass there.”
And not just with big screwups once a year. No, they can do it on a daily basis. In big ways and small. Sounds simple enough, right? But that leads to being able to really talk to those people and feeling safe in arguments with them. Simple as it sounds, admitting error is literally the definition our society uses for being a “big person.”
On the other hand, think of all the mediocre people you’ve known. Most of them just can’t (or won’t) admit when they’re wrong. At least not with ease. It can often feel like pulling teeth to get them to see when they’re being a jackass. You can only go so far with a person like that. That stubbornness hurts a person’s ability to be a good friend, employee, spouse, parent, and boss.
In 2020, even the obvious shit (like reclining seats) is up for debate now. There are strange opinions all over the place and that can get frustrating. So, as the Dean Of Clarity here, I’m ready to help guide you through this mind-numbing sea of confusion. Welcome to, “Who Is The Jackass In This Situation 101.”
Here are a few real-world scenarios..
Starbucks:
(A) Marketing guy in an expensive suit gets to the front of the line, staying on the phone constantly, and gives the barista a “just one more minute” finger wag while continuing his phone conversation.
Answer: Frat guy is the jackass here. Odds of him seeing it? Slim-to-none.
(B) You walk into the same Starbucks, see people working on their laptops and devices at every table, sigh loudly enough for people to hear your passive aggressive disapproval…and leave.
Answer: You’re the jackass here. Nothing major. Good starting point to embrace the power of seeing your day-to-day minor jackassery.
Driving:
(A) Teenage girl has trouble staying in her lane because she’s making a Snapchat video while driving. You honk at her and she gives you the finger.
Answer: Not only is she the jackass here…this is high-level jackassery that might actually get someone killed one day.
(B) On the same highway, you tailgate a car because the driver is going slightly under the speed limit in the right lane.
Answer: You’re the jackass in this case. It happens. Yes, the driver might be annoying. But they don’t owe it to you to drive at the speed that makes you most comfortable.
Grocery Store:
(A) You wait behind frazzled and sleep-deprived new parents who attempt to buy 27 items in the “10 Items Or Less” lane. No emergency happening…just a lack of sleep and energy. You express that it isn’t fair to the people in line.
Answer: They may have a decent reason…but they’re the jackasses here.
(B) You get stuck behind an old-timer who appears to be from another era. Moving slowly and clearly not part of the typical go-go-go energy of 2020. This person pulls out a checkbook and is chipping away at your patience with each second of this brutal time suckage. You mutter, “Serously?” and bury it under an impatient cough.
Answer: You’re the jackass here. Sure, it sucks to be stuck behind this person….but what makes you entitled to have someone move at your preferred pace and use your preferred method of payment?
Bathrooms:
(A) Men and women share a single one-stall bathroom at work and one guy from Accounting always leaves the toilet seat up. Every single day.
Answer: Like it or not, he’s the jackass there. But, hey, at least he’s better than the dude who pees on the seat and doesn’t flush. That guy might have serial killer tendencies.
(B) Same bathroom. Someone waits outside the door for you to finish. You hear the light knocking but it doesn’t sound urgent. So you continue to do some leisurely reading and…well, yeah, you’re the jackass here.
Theater:
(A) A businesswoman with a new iPhone sits in the row in front of you checks her emails during the movie. Her thinking is, “The movie sucks, I turned the brightness way down, and there isn’t anyone sitting next to me.”
Answer: Her thinking is really about her discomfort in seeing, “I’m the jackass here.” And if she actually takes a phone call, her jackassery goes to the next level. If she uses her speakerphone, she (like all public speakerphone users) should be placed under immediate house arrest.
(B) You spend big money to see Denzel on Broadway. You make a glamorous weekend out of it for this to be a special gift for your best friend (who just got dumped). You excitedly enter the theater, sit down, and realize that your seats are directly behind two very tall basketball players. You are bummed for good reason…this weekend cost a small fortune. The theater is packed and there aren’t any other seats available. Your passive aggressive grumbling begins. Deep down in your frustration, you hope they hear it because you can’t see over their massive heads.
Answer: The situation sucks, but you are the jackass here. There are various non-jackass reactions available, but all of those involve expressing yourself like a normal, healthy adult.
Jussie Smollett
(A) A celebrity fakes a hate crime and lies about it. Pretty clear domino effect…
Claim a hate crime when there’s no hate crime…do damage to actual victims of hate crimes.
Much like lying about a rape when there wasn’t one will do damage to actual victims of rape.
Answer: Smollett is the jackass here and should pay the appropriate legal price for his actions.
(B) Let’s pretend I am so much angrier about fake hate crimes and fake rapes than I have ever been about a real perpetrator of either of those crimes.
Answer: I’m the jackass here. And that kind of mismatched emotion speaks volumes about me.
And now to our conclusion…
Reclining Seats On An Airplane
First, the anger in this national debate was somewhat illogical. It would have made more sense if the emotion was directed at the airlines for squeezing people into small spaces to such a degree. This reminded me of a Whole Foods near my home that was built with abnormally small dimensions. There is no possible way to have 2 shopping carts fit in an aisle there at the same time. The store was designed perfectly to create confrontations. And there is drama happening every single day in that Whole Foods. So let’s assume that some airlines have created a similar mess. Well, most people still don’t want to make formal complaints, attempt to figure out solutions, or even do the most basic research about which airlines offer the most legroom. When it comes down to it, the masses would rather just book the cheapest flight they can find and then bitch when they get on the plane. For the special people who actually care about looking fairly and reasonably at a situation, let’s break this one down…
Any elbowing, shoving, kicking, or pushing on a flight for non-extreme reasons is clear-cut jackassery. Any pounding on the back of someone’s seat like a brain-dead gorilla belongs on the list of things we shouldn’t have to debate.
Answer: There is zero excuse for pounding on someone’s back when all they’ve done is reclined their seat as it is designed to do. Yes, flying is often a pain. Yes, it blows when someone reclines and you get even less space. But if you have an issue with someone reclining (other than during takeoff and landing), then it is in fact your issue. If it’s that important to you, just ask like a sane person if the person in front would mind sitting up a bit. Under no circumstances is the appropriate response banging on someone’s chair simply because you can’t speak to a human. No banging is acceptable. Not even when you’re behind the gross travel slob who farts 57 times during a flight. And not even with the nasty barefoot lady who puts her toes up on the tray table next to you. If you deal with these people by shoving them…you must enroll in Jackass 102 immediately.
