Quarantine Life
Why is it so hard for us to be vulnerable? Countless walls. All these defenses. Well, I’ve had enough of it. I’m going to write an honest, unfiltered diary during this crazy stay-at-home time. And I’m peeling back the curtain to share it with you. To really let you in. Follow along if you want a totally open glimpse into my life. All we can do is take this day by day. So let’s get started…
March 12th
Dear Diary:
It seems like everyone I know is stressing about staying at home. Why? This quarantine is a golden opportunity to become more disciplined. As long as it lasts, I vow to eat healthy, keep my mood bright, discover new hobbies, and (hopefully) become a better man. This is a reset button. I’m going to use it.
March 15th
Dear Diary:
Had my first Zoom call for work and it was incredible. So fun! What can I say…today was easy. Drank a green smoothie, lifted weights, and still have 55 rolls of toilet paper tucked safely away in the closet. Honestly, this is a breeze. I look in the mirror now and see a focused, disciplined machine.
P.S. Will I become the Michael Jordan of self-quarantining? Don’t bet against it.
March 19th
Jumped on Zoom again for work this morning. Sort of a stressful start to the day as I remembered I didn’t put pants on for the call – whoops! Casual Friday I guess. Thankfully, nobody noticed.
Also had a small dietary slip-up after dinner when I ate half an Oreo cookie. Stay strong, big guy…those are only for weekend cheat days. Gonna bounce back huge tomorrow. But so far, so awesome!
P.S. I’m planning to learn a new language soon – should be fluent within a few weeks.
March 21st
Wait…did the entire day pass by without me showering? That’s a bit unusual. Guess time kind of slipped away from me after the mailbox interaction this morning. Was totally minding my own business…just checking the mail…when nosy neighbor Jared rolled his eyes at me. Gave a dirty look. Um, since when am I required to wear pants on my own damn porch? Last I checked, this isn’t a fashion show in Milan.
Had to indulge in a beer and a couple of Oreos to calm myself down. It’s fine.
P.S. Nobody likes a busybody, Jared.
March 24th
Been a bit of a challenge to get back on track. Apparently I offended my boss on Zoom this morning by “bragging” that I haven’t worn pants all week. Whatever. It was just small talk. But maybe I shouldn’t have called him a Zoom Nazi. Never seen someone turn that shade of red.
Things are gonna be ok. Ate 7 Oreos to calm myself down. It’s all good. Just need to lose a few pounds, shed some bad habits, and get back to disciplined beast mode.
March 27th
Been running low on food. And also discipline. It’s just everywhere I turn, the fridge is around the corner. Can’t stay away from that shiny, rectangular box of deliciousness. Really should get in the car and go somewhere. Just not today. Been watching something called cornhole on ESPN2 since I woke up. Riveting stuff. How was I unaware that this is a televised sport?
Also, is today Wednesday?
March 28th
Turns out yesterday was Saturday. Weird. And apparently it’s still March. The cornhole announcer just mentioned it during today’s telecast. Those guys were debating where they’d want to eat if restaurants were still open. For me, it’s an obvious choice – definitely Applebee’s. Never actually been to one, but they’re the main sponsor of the cornhole league. And the food looks really impressive. Certainly hoping to dive into their mozzarella sticks one day soon. But it’s tough to go anywhere right now. Mostly because I don’t know where my pants are. There’s no mozzarella in the house, so I’ve just been eating blocks of cheddar cheese.
April 3rd
As a responsible citizen, I don’t leave the house without putting a mask on. Well, I hadn’t actually gone anywhere yet. Until today, that is. Just needed to prepare my outfit. Spent a few hours, did some sewing, and success! No skin exposure other than my left eyeball. But as soon as I walked into the grocery store, a so-called “sweet” elderly woman scoots right by without wearing a mask at all. What’s up with that, Bea Arthur? Are you the queen of England or something?
Was ready to give her a piece of my mind when I remembered there’s no way of telling how many old lady germs she has. So, of course, I stayed 6 feet away and held my breath. But there are much bigger issues at hand than Bea Arthur – I’m down to 40 rolls of toilet paper and there’s nada on the shelves here. NOTHING. Focus, man. What would Michael Jordan do in this situation?
To succeed like MJ takes dedication. So there’s really just one option. And, actually, it’s surprisingly easy to hide in a grocery store for the night. This way, I’ll be well within striking distance when the TP arrives on shelves at sunrise. If we’re being honest, yes, it’s a bit chilly under all these dairy products – but morning will be here soon enough. And the dreams of holding 24 new rolls of Cottonelle will keep me warm tonight.
So excited I can hardly sleep!
April 4th
Woke up at dawn with a fire in my belly. And also what I think might be a moderate case of frostbite. Whatever. This isn’t the time for quitters.
As soon as the coast was clear, I stormed out of the dairy section and Usain Bolted to the toilet paper aisle. But a homely-looking creeper was there already with his dirty, ungloved hands on my Cottonelle. Who the hell? Wait, it can’t be. He turned toward me and I realized it was none other than nosy neighbor Jared. How did I forget that he always wakes up with the birds? Dammit. Does this mama’s boy even know that Cottonelle is twice as absorbent as the leading national brand?
I slid right up to him. And, yes, words were exchanged. That’s life. It happens. Did I cross the line by saying I hope he gets the rona? Possibly. But it was no excuse for that busybody to call the manager over. And since when is there a store policy against how people choose to wear their pants?
Listen, I haven’t worn anything on my legs for weeks. So if I decide to put my underwear on the outside now…that is 100% totally my right. Apparently people have forgotten about a certain legend named…oh, I don’t know…Superman. Big-time double standard. Clark Kent was a worldwide hero for putting his underwear on the outside of his pants. But as soon as I become CottonelleMan by doing the exact same thing…it “frightens the customers” enough to get me escorted out? Whatever. Didn’t wanna wear stupid pants anyway.
Came home and had a few beers to calm myself down. It also seemed to help with the frostbite pain.
P.S. Maybe I need a hobby.
April 5th
Ate a block of cheddar cheese and 12 Oreos for breakfast. Stomach is making strange noises. My belly sounds a lot like a mariachi band right now. So I’ve officially named it Alejandro.
Need to get some exercise and walk off the extra pounds, but too many freaks outside without masks. No way I’m going out there.
Better to keep the godforsaken pants off and watch some cornhole. Spent the day minding my own business enjoying a case of beer when it finally hit me – I’m down to 35 rolls of Cottonelle. What. The. Fuck?
Not good.
I’d love to say I handled the news better. But after looking up the symptoms, I believe this is what’s known as a “panic attack.”
P.S. Will my legs ever stop trembling?
April 11th
Tossed and turned all night. Had intense nightmares about a giant roll of Cottonelle chasing me through the house. Unfortunately, I’ve never studied dream analysis. There’s no way of knowing what it all meant. More importantly, it appears I’ve grown a second chin during quarantine. Considered going for a jog but had to finish off these Oreos to get them to stop staring at me.
Can’t remember the last time I ate anything other than cheese, beer, or these delicious cream-filled pieces of heaven. Whatever. Spent the rest of the day lost in my imagination. Mostly just daydreams about normal stuff like Jared in various torture scenarios.
Need to get back on track tomorrow.
April 24th
I’ve started to grow a mullet – I believe his name will be Heinrich.
(Should probably run that by Alejandro first. Don’t want to create any problems at home)
P.S. Is it normal to take naps at 11:30 at night?
April 27th
Made good progress today. Some solid moves. Was finally able to escape the cornhole vortex to go for a run. Started out well but, at the end of the street, I spotted a child without a mask. She was both tiny and fearless. I found myself frozen in place on that sidewalk. It felt like slow motion. She stared at me with her unblinking eyes…took the lollipop out…and started to cough.
Naturally, I ran home screaming.
May 1st
Going to see my family for the first time in over a month later today when I attend my sister’s Zoom wedding. Am I supposed to throw rice at the computer? And will they still recognize me as CottonelleMan?
Feels like I’ve found a nice groove in the self-quarantine. Sure, my doctor says I’m at a dangerous weight right now. And, obviously, Jared’s restraining order won’t expire for another 6 months. But I’m currently experiencing a lovely buzz from my brand new concoction. I call it Beer-E-O. So delicious and incredibly easy to make – just 9 parts beer and 9 parts Oreo.
Overall, life is good. It really felt like I experienced a breakthrough when I hit my last roll of Cottonelle yesterday. My mom describes this a “psychotic break” but I’m not familiar with her complicated scientific jargon. I believe I’ve found true freedom. Never been happier or more alive.
P.S. Is this September?
