Adulting 101
Recently, a reader named Shawn asked me to share some tips for graduating young men as they enter adulthood next year. Keep in mind, I am no expert on any subject at all and spend most of my days confused by the world around me. But, young Shawn, this is for you and your fraternity brothers as you graduate and become men…
- Honesty is always the answer.
(except when answering, “Does this make me look fat?”) - You are…and will always be…a work in progress.
- No short-sleeve dress shirts. Ever.
- Your word will either mean something or it won’t. Time to decide.
- Learn how to deliver a great joke. Tell it carefully to make sure you haven’t any words out.
- When smart people criticize you…allow yourself to hear them (even when it stings).
- There is never a good reason to smoke a cigarette.
- (A joint is different)
- Do you really want to be the guy who makes people wait for you to back into a parking space?
- Invest in a very comfortable pair of shoes.
- If she takes a few days to text you back but checks her phone every 5 minutes when you’re together…she’s trying to tell you something.
- Money can make your life so much easier.
Just remember that none of the big answers will ever be found in your bank account. - It can only be great sex if she feels that way about it too.
- Make 2 lists:
First, write down the names of anyone you could depend on in a jam.
Next, list the people 100% willing to talk to you about anything at all.
If any names show up on both lists…that’s who matters most. - Never, ever wear a gold chain.
- (Silver is just as bad)
- Learn how to make a great mixed drink and a killer omelette. Serve separately.
- Allow someone to bully you once and get used to people doing it for the rest of your life.
- Don’t settle for a bad mattress.
- Dance like nobody is watching.
(Unless you do the white man overbite. In that case, please disregard) - Tattoos = a clear sign that you don’t know how to express yourself yet.
- Sure, you can send an email in anger.
You can also punch yourself in the face.
Why do either? - The very moment your pants stop fitting…that’s when the fast food era in your life is over.
- Hate in your heart will consume you.
Also, love in your heart will consume you.
Choose wisely. - Tip the Uber driver who made 3 bucks lugging you around.
- For the love of God, learn the difference between “your” and “you’re.”
- Take some big swings. Nobody reaches the end of their life and says:
“Damn I’m glad I played it so safe.” - You can be the dude who burps the alphabet at parties or you can get laid. It’s one or the other.
- Bad haircut? Shame on them.
Walk back into the same barbershop next month? Shame on you. - It’s incredibly easy to end a friendship. Be careful not to get too good at it.
- Before talking politics with someone who can’t find a single flaw on “their side,” see if your dentist can squeeze you in for a root canal. It will be more fun.
- Never date a girl who pays her rent in $1 bills.
- When someone shows you who they are…BELIEVE THEM.
(this will be surprisingly hard to do) - Avoid paying retail for anything over $100.
- Real men say sorry when they’re wrong and don’t apologize for being right.
- If you have loving parents, hold on tight to them for as long as you can.
If you have pig parents, cut them (and your anger) loose. - If you are still an annoying, angry, or weepy drunk…STOP DRINKING.
- Without kindness and a sense of humor, you might as well be a plant.
- Be willing to put yourself out there and then dare to suck.
(most adults are terrified by the mere thought of it) - No ribs on a first date. Or spaghetti.
- Weak people often define themselves as “nice.”
Assholes tend to see themselves as “strong.”
Be very, very honest when you look in the mirror. - Typing a tweet does not qualify as taking a stand.
- Try as you might…you’ll never fully realize what you had until it’s gone.
(whether love, money, or a roll of toilet paper) - Michael Jordan is the greatest of all time. Also, water is wet.
No need to waste time debating either. - Your career is important. But it shouldn’t cost you your mental health.
- When you consider doing something that crosses the line, take a second and remember what a courtroom is. Ask yourself the following question:
“Do I really want to put my life in the hands of 12 people who were too dumb to get out of jury duty?” - Never let a year go by without buying your girlfriend a surprise gift. It doesn’t have to be expensive. Just unexpected.
- Have less wishbone and more backbone.
- It’s a fine line between being the fun guy at work who wears quirky ties…and becoming a circus clown. Beware of the line.
- “Never trust anyone” is terrible advice. It’s a recipe for an empty life.
Keep your eyes alert but your heart open. - Become a great negotiator. That means connecting to people as human beings and not looking at them as “customer service.”
- The prerequisite for having a great life is knowing that you deserve one.
- You can be grateful for everything or nothing. It’s totally up to you.
(But your relationship with that one emotion will dictate everything)
