Mile Nerd

Tips For Online Success

The art of staying connected.
Pay attention to any alerts coming from your phone. Each and every one of them should be treated as critical. Your device could light up at any moment. So, when it does? Stop whatever you’re doing. Quickly shift your gaze down like a dog finding a bone. And remember to do this every single time your phone lights up for the rest of your life. When sitting in a movie theater. If out to dinner with loved ones. Even while using the bathroom. You now have the world at your fingertips. It must remain the sole focus of your life.  

When people show you who they are…believe them.
This is especially true on Facebook and Instagram. Because social media is more than just an accurate glimpse into someone’s life. It’s a window into their soul. When viewing a profile page, you are essentially a fly on the wall of that person’s home. Living their day-to-day reality with them. So, observe closely. Those images can be used as a way to increase understanding – of how you should be living. When you can see it, you can be it. And there’s no better way to compare your life to others than via high-speed internet from many miles away.

Join the AI revolution.
Technology is moving faster and faster. It’s natural to be scared of getting left behind. But we only fear what we don’t understand. So, why not dip a toe in the water? Start slowly – maybe follow a few of the beautiful AI models you see on Instagram. That’s a pleasant way to begin. Admire their glowing skin, six-pack abs, and toned arms. Soak it all up. Because, together, we humans can evolve past all the body image issues that plague us. We’ll soon move to a much better place. By trying desperately to look like the non-humans.

Keep both eyes hands on the prize.
Occasionally, on very rare occasions, your phone will emit a strange squeal. It will be an unusual sound. One that will likely confuse you for a moment. Is this some sort of emergency alert? Do machines have dying cries for help? In this moment, take a breath. Just stay calm and realize that your phone is ringing. Bizarre, I know. But a segment of the population (usually senior citizens) will still engage in old-fashioned traditions. Like verbal conversations. When this occurs, try to remain empathetic. Because boomers deserve kindness too. Just remember to have these conversations via speakerphone so your hands can keep scrolling. It’s best to stay occupied while pretending to listen.

Setting clear boundaries.
Times change. And our world continues to evolve. You no longer need to prioritize the comfort of others while denying your own needs. It’s natural to want space. Boundaries allow you to set reasonable limits. Like spending as little time in-person with other humans as you wish. Growing increasingly comfortable in isolation. Just you and your devices. Until reaching the point that you become noticeably awkward and anxious when entering actual rooms with actual people. This is what boundaries are all about.

Enter the circle of trust.
It’s easy to be jaded, right? That sort of energy is all around us. But consider the opposite. How many people really allow themselves to trust? How many stay open enough to still believe in things? We’ve all heard the famous phrase – where there’s smoke, there’s fire. And there’s such wisdom in that. Who actually has the time to spread fake rumors? Does anyone? Have faith in the sanctity of a place called the worldwide web. A place where none of the headlines you read are made up. The cyber world isn’t perfect. But it’s rooted in truth. So, allow yourself to trust it fully.

Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.
There’s a deep freedom in embracing our truest self. Where we have nothing to prove. Nobody to impress. We feel so much more alive in that vulnerability. Why not live your best life? Here I am. Fully exposed. Wearing my heart and soul on my sleeve. That courage should permeate throughout your social media posts. In every selfie. Nothing but the real you. With only a few minor tweaks of cropping, retouching, skin smoothing, teeth whitening, and facial adjusting. Followed by just a minimal amount of work using body slimming apps. It’s a raw glimpse at the real you. That’s true vulnerability.

Develop your sense of humor.
This requires a clever mind. A growing mastery of the ins and outs of comedy. For example, start using the word “literally” in a series of absurd ways. Posting about how you literally just died of embarrassment. Do a similar thing with the word, “objectively.” By using it so incorrectly that people will wonder if you have any idea what it even means. That’s high comedy. And, of course, always continue throwing people off with random misuse of “your” and “you’re.” This wackiness will have your followers rolling with laughter.

(Pro tip: A true comedic master will extend this into their text message conversations. You want to provide more joy to your loved ones, right? When they send you an SMS message, shoot back 7 straight texts instead of putting it all into one reply. They won’t even know what they’re replying to. But they sure as hell will know they’re in the company of a genius)

Still take time to address serious matters.
Obviously, it’s important to care about the world. If we don’t, who will? Which is why you should regularly get into political arguments on the internet. When in doubt, push harder. You’ll find that most people, on both sides of the aisle, are eager to have their minds changed. Sharing is caring. So, let your strongest opinions fly. And, beyond that, it’s what you always wanted to be when you grew up – a person who argues about politics with strangers. Now, this isn’t for the faint of heart. You might feel something in the pit of your stomach when you realize the person you’ve been shouting at for an hour is a child. Keep your chin up. True confidence is winning an argument with a fifth grader and then drinking a celebratory beer. In some circles, this is known as “living the dream.”

Stand up for the little guy.
Will life ever be perfect? Of course not. So, be the change you want to see in the world. Call out all the privilege around you. Shout it out loudly. From your air-conditioned home. Using your state-of-the-art smartphone. Between episodes of the new series you’ve been binging on one of your streaming services. Just don’t forget to add hashtags. They are the absolute foundation of creating real change in any society.
#changetheworld
#blessed

Bad At Flirting

Alright, let’s recap the last 5 seconds:

I asked, “Excuse me, is the line always this long?”

Then she goes:

“Yup, best coffee in town!”

Pretty sure she looked me in the eyes for an extra two seconds with that warm smile.

Or is this just my imagination again?

I mean, there’s really no way to know for sure.

So, why not say something witty and test the waters?

Maybe a comment on the current cold weather.

That isn’t witty, though.

Unless I say it ironically…

Something like, “We’re up to snow good out there.”

Jesus, man, get it together.  

This is not the way to impress an attractive woman.

And she sure is beautiful.

Some lucky schmuck will get to spend his days with her.

Oh, how I wish it were me.

She totally seems like a dog person.

Maybe I should go buy a dog and then come back here with it.

For the love of God, man, get it together.

Just say something.

Anything.

Oh, wow, I think I just caught a whiff of her hair.

Smells really nice.

Like a coconut or some kind of fruit salad.

Why can’t I have nice-smelling hair?

Maybe I should ask what shampoo she uses.

Dude, that’s actually a little creepy.

Who do you think you are?

Oh, hey, beautiful stranger. Any thoughts on hygiene products?

No.

This is your opportunity to actually say the right thing.

To not put your foot in your mouth for once.

What would George Clooney say?

Something charming, no doubt.

So just man up and get the words out.

Be normal.

Ok, I’ve got this.

Stepping up to the plate.

Take a big breath and speak.

Here we go…

“Excuse me.”

“Yes?”

“So, how about that Elon Musk nazi salute?”

(sigh)

Vortex

‘Twas a year so long and stressful. Now over. In the past.

Arriving at the holidays

My moment’s here at last.

This time I won’t be lazy. Scenic hikes and eating right.

Will even take an online course

And make sweet love at night.

The first day? An adjustment. 19 cookies, too much wine…

Just need to find my sea legs

Then this season shall be mine.

Next two days? A foggy blur. Don’t think I used my feet.

First, a coma watching Die Hard

Then face-down in piles of meat.  

Unsure what day it is now. But there’s a beard upon my face.

In the vortex known as sofa…

Is where I drift through time and space.

Deep imprint on my sectional, which tells a sordid tale.

Of a man who once loved sunlight,

Enjoyed nice salads made with kale.

But since arriving at these holidays? No hike or online class.

The intercourse did not take place

And pants feel tighter on my ass.

I reside in winter carnage. Dried-out tree still on display.

A crooked wreath hangs sadly

How is football played each day?

Confused, I stand up slowly. As a chubby, drunken mess.

Crumbs fall from me, I tweak a knee

And make my educated guess:

Must be December 35^th now? Surely, many moons have passed.

Have I fully lost my grip on days…

Oh, wait, the 1^st is here at last!

It’s back, some sense of normalcy. Real life is on the way.

Right after “Happy New Year” greetings

Those should end by early May.  

Truth Or Consequences

Phillip is a corporate titan. He rules his kingdom from a corner office in the sky.

Imposing square footage? Check.
Floor-to-ceiling windows with a view of the water? Obviously.

Anxious employees rush in and out each day. Sitting nervously on his Italian leather couch. Feeling tiny under all that expensive artwork. Their tough boss always armed with a scowl and a growl. This big man and his big title.

Phillip plays the role to perfection. As he has for decades. The world sees him as a take-charge guy.

Driven.

Ruthless.

He’s nearly 60 years old now. And nobody has a clue that Phillip spent his life pretending. This show of strength. Power. How he wants to be seen. Only a few more years and it’ll be what they see all the way to his last breath.

They’ll never know how afraid he was of being alone.

Won’t see how terrified he was of getting hurt.

Will never realize he felt a million miles away from being a “take-charge guy.”

Phillip has been doing this dance for a very long time. And it’s not just for them.

This story he needs to tell.

–

Heather avoids calling herself an influencer…but loves being one.  

First thing she does each morning? A skilled edit of the day’s photos. She’s a phenom with filters. The Leonardo da Vinci of looking good. Her follower count keeps growing. Numbers rising at turbo speed. Heather basks in the warm glow of social media approval. She’s the recipient of envy. An object of desire. No minutes pass without a compliment on her appearance.

Before her morning coffee, Heather sits down to digitally alter her face. Day after day. The images posted with hashtags about self-love. Acceptance. She cultivates her page with such gusto. Driven by something she can’t quite express. Puts a positive word on it. Thinks of it as passion. But beneath the hashtags and flowery language lies truth. Heather is mortified by her impressive looks. She spirals deeper each day. Seeing new flaws and imperfections from an aging face – the stranger who stares back from her mirror.

Heather preaches vulnerability to her followers. Empowerment. Teaching them to put themselves out there. But the thought of actually doing that?

It fills her with panic.

This young woman who alters her face before allowing the world to see it.

–

Rick and Lauren cheer America as the greatest nation on the planet.

It’s far beyond opinion.

This is something they know to be true.

Something they can feel.

All the way down to the depths of their souls.

Berating anyone who disagrees.   

…this couple who has never stepped foot in another country.

–

Ray and Stephanie love each other.

For years, they’ve expressed it on a daily basis. Whether in-person, over the phone, or in written form. They see each other as the oxygen they breathe. Stephanie’s friends adore him. Ray’s family is her unofficial fan club.

They might as well be a single word at this point – RayAndStephanie.

Two peas in a pod.

Currently, Stephanie is hiding an emotional affair. And Ray is in a physical one. They stopped being able to communicate years ago. Now speaking from routine and habit rather than from their hearts. Ray knows he loves her. Even while entering another woman’s bed. Stephanie feels increasingly empty inside, but tells herself she’s in love.

Their actions no longer show it.

Their hearts look elsewhere.

But this couple fully believes the words that come from their mouths.  

–

Matt writes a daily blog.

Positive feedback pours in. Makes him feel like a Robin Hood of sorts. The generous giver. So, after a while, he starts defining himself as the guy who wants to help people.

Says it over and over again.

And the new identity feels wonderful.

So intoxicating, in fact, that he grows immune to seeing anything else. Blocks out any data that contradicts it. Becoming addicted to his drug of choice – identity.

This is who he “is.”

Matt is eventually unable to see any of the pain he causes. Unwilling to let it in. He’s Robin Hood, after all. How could he ever be the villain of a story when he’s the hero?

Matt grows adept at discarding bitter pills.

Choosing only the ones that are easy to swallow.

He has already decided which story to believe.

–

Juliette never makes waves.

She dresses…and speaks…crisply. Always behaves like a professional. Even when the people around her don’t follow suit. But that’s not for her to judge. And she never does. As a child, Juliette made her parents proud. As an adult, she’s a dependable neighbor, friend, and employee.

Never caused any problems.

Never met a negative performance appraisal.

Forever a good girl.

Based on all her feedback, Juliette is thriving. And the validation fuels her. So she stays perpetually in motion. It’s a trick she learned long ago – to distract herself from the pesky question…

What would happen if she spread her wings?

This makes her uncomfortable. She chooses safety. Over and over again. Locking her personality in a small box. For so long that she can no longer see what’s inside. Might it be a wild spirit? A rebel? Maybe even a creative genius? At this point, there’s no way to tell. The box is now a home. And Juliette hides inside as a prisoner of her own adjectives.

Still “professional” and “dependable.”

A good girl who no longer dreams of being anything more.  

–

Really look around.

In every direction. For as far as you can see.

We humans love to think of ourselves as self-aware. But we lie to ourselves to avoid the hardest feelings.

Usually not with bad intentions.

We do this to cope.

And guess what?

You do it too.

(So do I)

See, the only way to live an honest life is by looking at our own dishonesty. It’s just about the hardest thing we can ever do. But it’s sitting right there.

And you really won’t want to see it.  

The holiday season includes a lot of rewinding. Memories of fun times from 2024. The money you made. Bright images of the year. Vacations and belly laughs.

My wish for you is to be willing to see more than just what feels good.  

To spend a little time with the lies.

Those big ones you tell yourself.

Because a lot more growth comes from there than from your highlight reel.

Partly Cloudy

Man, some weirdos stick like glue to the stuff they like.

(Some weirdos = me)

Did I drive the same little Toyota for two decades? Yup.
Am I now over a dozen trips to Maui in the books? Better believe it.  
Do I still carry a Luxor room key from 1999 in my wallet? Obviously.

In fairness, about that last one…
Come on. A hotel really decided put Carrot Top’s face on a room key? Seriously?? I mean, an actual paid employee came to work and said, “Guys, this is the face people want to see as they enter their rooms.”
It just never stopped making me smile.

Anyway, you get the idea.

I stick with the stuff that works.

But even I realized it was finally time for a new couch. Watching Netflix is harder than it sounds. Especially when, over the course of a movie, it feels like you’re sinking in quicksand. Not quite sure how to describe the shape of that sofa after so many years. Is “blob” a shape?

Try to imagine the couch that Picasso would’ve painted.      

So, reluctantly, I went shopping.

Was it a totally fun and relaxing process? Yeah, maybe in Oppositeland. Honestly, when did furniture stores become such weird clones of each other? Is it a glitch in the simulation? This dizzying haze of all the same people selling all the same furniture. So many bad options. On a positive note, I now hold the world record for number-of-times-a-man-has-muttered-to-himself-walking-out-of-stores.  

Eventually, I pulled the trigger. Bought a cheaper version of Restoration Hardware’s “Cloud Couch.”

A perfect name.

In-store, it actually feels like sitting on a fluffy cloud.

And then it gets delivered. Which is when I quickly realized the difference between sitting on a cloud for two minutes versus two hours. Lemme put it bluntly…

Even more uncomfortable than The Blob.

Somehow, I’d found a brand new level of blobbiness. Never had a lower back issue in my life. But after 72 hours with The Cloud? Urgent need of a massage and a fistful of Tylenol. By the end of the week? Rapidly approaching nightmare status. Bending down was a new and interesting challenge. And forget about tying my shoes. That might as well have been an Olympic event. Man, it’s such a scary thing when your body experiences a brand new sensation of pain. Clearly, I’d made a terrible purchase.

(Oh, and it was from a furniture store with a no-return policy)

The walls were closing in fast. After the first week, I was a borderline Tylenol addict. Started lying in bed during the day just to avoid the couch as much as possible. Bracing myself each time I gave it another try. But the results were always the same. And my only reprieve was a weekend trip. The terrible hotel furniture felt like a gift to my body. I sat peacefully in that Hyatt…riding calm waves of relaxation that I could no longer find at home. Flipping through tv channels without a care in the world.

(At one point, I did have to turn off an episode of The Golden Girls because I was jealous of their flexibility)

Life was getting pathetic.

Two weeks into my dark new Cloud World, I called the store. Begging for help. They made it clear that refunds were impossible. But maybe a technician could come by to inspect the couch. Just to ensure nothing was broken. Wait, there’s a such thing as a couch technician? But, sure, yeah. Let’s do it. Maybe he can save the day…

The next morning, this dude walks in like he’s The Wolf from Pulp Fiction. I offer him water or a coffee. He refuses anything that might interfere with his work. It’s not a social call. He’s just here to handle couch matters. Does a detailed inspection of The Cloud and tells me that it’s up to standards. Can’t help but notice the desperation in my eyes. Or maybe the pain in my back. He looks me in the eyes and says:

“This is off the record. But you’re not the first person to have these issues with this particular item. Typically, it’s a senior citizen. But there’s nothing I can do. I’ll fill out my report saying the couch is fine. Maybe you can work something out with the store. I really doubt that, to be honest with you. Once it’s in your home, they don’t take back furniture.”

With that, he disappears.

A true master of the sofa. Off to his next overly dramatic inspection.

At this point, my brain starts to go haywire. My mind races. Is this just…life…now? As some dude who lives in fear of his couch? A sad schmuck who needs to buy Velcro shoes because he can’t bend down?

There’s gotta be a better way.

I drive to the store. A different man than I was 2 weeks ago. Now a broken soul with limited options and a Tylenol addiction. Doing my best imitation of The Wolf, I strut through those automatic doors. A man on a mission. Aaaand I’m rejected before I even have the chance to sit down. A manager tells me there’s nothing they can do once it’s in the home. I’ll need to call the main number and speak to customer service. But they never do refunds. In 20 years, he’s only seen a handful of times they offered a replacement item. It’ll be a major longshot. So, to recap:

– The Wolf said I’m screwed.
– This store manager agrees.   
– I’ll need a miracle to get a replacement approved.
– But everything else in the store is hideous.
– Oh, and their one cool item? It’s destroying my back like King Kong versus a blade of grass.

I stumble out of there. Limping my way back home. A defeated man returning to the couch that wants to murder him. Such a sad turn of events in a life that once held such promise. With zero optimism, I dial the customer service number. Best-case scenario? A replacement couch that only my grandmother would love.

After a long hold, I’m connected to a representative.   

I can barely recognize my own anguish-filled voice.

A very jolly Hispanic gentleman asks me for some details. He listens for a few seconds. Then informs me of their no-return policy. As if I can’t already recite it by heart. Although I’ve been calling it “The Cloud,” he reminds me that their version is actually called, “The Dream.”

And then he says:

“It sounds like The Dream is more like The Nightmare for you.”

I listen in stunned silence as he laughs joyously for the next 15 seconds. His accent is hard to place. Sounds like a goofy (and possibly drunk) Antonio Banderas. Ok, I didn’t expect much help. But he’s…laughing…at me?

This is very confusing. Then he suddenly gets dead serious. Tells me he couldn’t help but laugh because of how crazy the timing is. He knows exactly how I feel. Never had a back issue in his life but is currently dealing with the identical thing from a new mattress. He asks me to please continue my story. He listens with such genuine interest. It’s unreal. I can actually feel the care coming from this complete stranger. Almost as if he’s giving me a hug through the phone line. I blabber about Tylenol and massages for what seems like 52 hours.

Finally…mercifully…he cuts me off.

With his thick Puss And Boots-like accent, he says:

“My friend, it is an honor to speak with you. And I want to assist. It is our policy to never accept returns. But I will give you a full refund and will schedule a pickup in the next week. I feel so very happy to get the chance to do this for you.”

My jaw hits the floor.

Suddenly, the weight of the world is gone. Just rolls right off my back. And this goofy cartoon character of a man keeps taking care of me for the next 20 minutes. Saying things like, “All problems have a solution” and “It gives me such joy to be of service to you.” He tells me, “No matter what, I will not let you down.”

Is this real life or a scene from Desperado?

By the time I hang up the phone, my mood is in a completely different place. All stress gone. Poof. This quirky stranger has completely changed my day. Beyond the refund itself, I don’t recall ever feeling so much kindness on a customer service call.

Thank you, Alvaro.  

Ironically, speaking to you left me on such a high…that it felt a bit like floating on a cloud.