Mile Nerd

Truth Serum

Dear Wounded Child In The Body Of A Grownup:

It’s not your fault.

Well, I mean, plenty of stuff that came later was totally your fault. But that’ll take years to unwrap. Y’know, in the unlikely event that you’re ever willing to look at it.

The point is this…

I understand why your head is such a mess. It’s what our brains do. Even the criminal who rapes a woman has a voice inside trying to justify his actions. Was she was dressed a certain way? See, the human brain can take a tiny grain of truth and twist it around like a very weird pretzel. Sure, she might’ve been dressed in seductive clothing. But here’s the thing about that fact…

Only a complete nutjob would use it as a justification for rape.

Crazy example, right? Very extreme. Clearly, you are not a sociopath. But I had to grab your attention. Because this main point is important. It needs to hit you right in the gut…

There’s a part of you that justifies everything you do.

All of it.

There’s a part of your brain that will always judge others by their actions. It’ll do this for the rest of your life. While judging you by your intentions.

Think of that as a flaw in our programming. Call it “bad wiring.” Do whatever you want with it. But whether you choose to see it or not is irrelevant…

It’ll be true regardless.

Your brain…and your own thoughts…will quite often be the worst enemy you encounter.  

Most likely, you have some understanding of this fact.  

But it’s around the edges.

In the margins.

With the pills you can swallow.      

No, you’re not a rapist. Never will be. Not even in the same universe of being a monster. But does your brain operate in some nutjob-y ways too?

Abso-fucking-lutely.

Today, I’m offering you a chance to fast-forward through the years of therapy you desperately need. A kind of skip-the-line pass. Getting you straight to the finish line of all that work. I’ll put it on a shiny, silver platter. All you need to do is really allow it in. No tricks here. No hidden objective. I’ll cut right through all the years of bullshit. And what’s your job? Simple. Put your defenses down, allow a few moments of true vulnerability, and maybe feel some (healthy) discomfort.

That’s all it’ll cost. But, ultimately, the price will be too much to ask.  

And it’s because of that part of your brain.

But we soldier on. In the hopes that, one day, this pill can be swallowed.

Look, I get it. Your discomfort armor is already starting to activate. Might be thinking about skipping this post and coming back in May for the usual witty banter. So, please feel free. This isn’t for everyone. As a matter of fact, it will only appeal to a very small minority. Because we build our lives around not getting too personal. We constantly protect ourselves from danger. So, I really do get it. For most people, a lifetime of programming is sounding the alarm right about now.

But maybe you’re the exception.

Maybe you feel intrigued…

If that’s the case, here’s a quick disclaimer about why this is such a longshot. Mainly because none of it will be sugarcoated. And that “sugar” tends to be a necessary evil. Have you ever wondered why therapy takes a bunch of years to work? No big secret. Same reason so many of us think we don’t need it. When push comes to shove, this pesky part of our brain doesn’t want to look at our shit. It doesn’t want to feel wrong about how it operates. Even with our most dysfunctional stuff. Which is why we need to be gently eased into it. Really think about how wild that is. A loud voice inside of you actually wants to be right about the shit that makes you feel bad about yourself. The stuff that makes you feel small. You know all that inner noise you dream of transcending? Well, it’s the exact same nonsense this part of your brain needs to hold onto. And, man, what a difficult thing to see. If you (somehow) grasped this paragraph and find yourself nodding your head right now? You’ve hit a level of honesty that most people never will.

Let’s take a trip back to when this seed first started growing…

As a teenager, I was abnormally curious about people. Myself, of course. But, really, all the people around me. Family…friends and neighbors…teachers at school…even random strangers. In short, I wanted to figure out why everyone was so fucking weird. No, not just the homeless guy muttering in the street. What about the rich dude in his convertible with all his strange tics? The confident lady with perfect makeup and designer clothes who needed to be so put together at every moment? All those friendly, awesome people around me who were capable of being so…different…in certain scenarios? Humans were a big mystery. And I was ready to play detective.

Eventually, I narrowed it down to specific questions. Like, why is it so difficult for our brains to be wrong? Sure, it’s easier with small things. But what happens with something significant? When emotion gets involved? Always the same old pattern. That quick, instinctive pushback. A resistance. I started seeing it everywhere. The more emotional a moment, the harder it is for a human to be wrong. Were there exceptions? Of course. So, I looked at them. And, underneath the bullshit, those “exceptions” were mostly just attempts to manipulate. Whether to gain someone’s approval. To appease them. A clever tactic that people use to gain something. Not maliciously. Just by instinct. I didn’t judge any of it. Just a kid detective trying to observe. Wanting to learn what the hell makes us so strange.

So, in high school, I started doing what I called “scientific experiments.”

I went around asking a simple question:
“When were you wrong?”

Took it seriously. Had a fresh notebook to track all the data. Certainly wasn’t a shy child, so talking to people was never an issue. Mostly, I just wanted to listen. Unfortunately, as a teenager, I had the focus of a squirrel. Lost myself in video games or whatever else for months at a time. It ended up taking years to finish the “scientific experiments.” Finally completed the surveys in my mid-20’s. The results were always so consistent. I had the answers I was looking for. And here’s what I learned:

Most people have a really hard time coming up with an answer. I mean, we’re all wrong thousands of times in our lives. But the majority of people struggled to think of a single example. When were you wrong? Such an easy question. The answers that did come were usually about small, insignificant things. Again, stuff without any emotion attached. I spoke to humans of all shapes and sizes. Various ages, races, and genders. People I loved. Absolute strangers. Everyone in between. And the responses were always in 3 categories.

Either:
A – struggled to come up with an answer,
B – insignificant stuff (easy to “forgive” oneself for),
or
C – something more interesting.

That final category? It got juicy. You could see it in their eyes and hear it in their voices. There was emotion attached. Leading to longer conversations. For the most part, it was still a ton of resistance. A “but” at the end. Which became its own category. The “I was wrong…but” people. They basically just took a longer road to not being able to answer. However, a small percentage of people went deeper. Seemed to have more self-awareness. More honesty. More…something. And, with these people, there was always a visceral sadness when speaking of being wrong. It’s what I found most significant. Just how sad they looked when speaking about it. Usually, they seemed to have “wronged” themselves the most. Meaning, they appeared to have paid the biggest price.  

And that’s when clarity began to form.

The growth of something big…

Why do we find it so hard to embrace being wrong?
Because it makes us feel bad. It causes us pain. And we humans will go to great lengths to avoid feeling that.

At such a young age, this was a breakthrough.

I started observing more closely. The elaborate song and dance we all go through. How we create our personas. Developing our sense of self. Building these identities. Defining ourselves by an adjective or two. And at the root of this? A shared foundation built on avoiding pain. People would rather fall into destructive habits than really feel it. Will live a life in denial…rather than just dealing with that shit. Sure, we feel plenty of stuff. But from within our carefully constructed stories. Inside our own matrix of who we “are.” And what runs this whole show? The same damn part of our brain. The one that justifies everything we do. That one that doesn’t want to feel bad. What the hell is this mechanism? It seems to exist for one purpose – to “protect” ourselves from feeling our shit. So, if that requires dysfunction or dishonesty? No problemo.

Ok, ok, ok.

So, this is why people have such resistance to being wrong.

It always comes back to that same damn part of the brain. Behaving like an enemy. Wearing the costume of an ally.

Boom.

Now the floodgates were open…

It all made sense. It’s impossible to live in this society without falling into “The Big Lie.” Which is what I started calling it. From an early age, we learn the lesson. That the world (and people within it) can tell us our value. We relearn this on a daily basis. Seeing and hearing the message every single day of our lives. So, we believe it as fact. And you’ll see how that plays out in different ways. We all treat our value like a currency that can be increased. Based on our looks, money, success, good deeds, parenting, strength, character…or whatever your individual story is about.

That’s your big lie.

See, you will never actually be a “better person.” And, yes, I know you just experienced an inner reaction reading that sentence. It’s the same part of your brain trying to get loud again. Just be aware of that feeling. See, if you can be a “better person,” that also means you are currently a worse person. Which is exactly how this part of our brain operates. Eventually, we get to the end of our lives still believing it. On a constant search for ways to increase our value. In whatever currency we’ve been raised to use. Even those big, bad bully world leaders are terrified inside. But, of what specifically? Their own big lie. That being weak will make them small. And being “strong” will increase their worth. See, we all do the same dance in different ways. Wrestling with our own big lie. But the truth is this…

No magic pill will ever give you more value.

No reading of self-help books will get you there. Listening to wellness podcasts won’t change it. Behaving in confident (or humble) ways won’t make a difference. No amount of money, no size of house, and no speed of car will change it. None of the sex, love, or approval can help you earn it. There’s zero chance of burying it under any amount of alcohol, drugs, or food. Won’t hit a number of years of acting strong…or kind…that will affect it. Friendly or angry. Fat or skinny. Success or failure. That won’t make any difference. Your charitable acts will never buy it. And no line of people telling you how great (or terrible) you are can ever impact it. Maybe you’re a parent. Or feel alone in the world. None of that will change this.  

Your value exists.

Because you exist.

The world (and your brain) are playing an obsessive game of pretend. On an endless loop. Win or lose, it will never make you matter more. Or less. That’s all just a made-up concept. An accepted insecurity that we pass down to each new generation.  

A baby doesn’t rank itself against other babies. Better or worse. Superior and inferior. It’s all just noise we learn over time.

Deafening noise.

The big lie.

So, that’s when this puzzle came together. The pesky part of your brain? It doesn’t actually want to be wrong about the big lie.

It needs to believe it.

I want you to look all around you. In every direction. No matter what “type” of person you see, they’re battling with a feeling of smallness. A belief that their value is a currency which can be won or lost. The hottie who needs to stay attractive or else…the entrepreneur who needs to be successful or else…a need to be loved or else…a need to be strong or else…and on and on.

That part of your brain might be trying to say you had a great childhood. What a gift. But, yes, even you are at war with your big lie. Think about what matters most to you. Whether it’s your success or looks or parenting or whatever your “thing” is. Ok, now what happens if you suck at it? What happens to your sense of value and worth then? See, there’s a massive difference between caring deeply about something…and deluding yourself that your entire human value hinges on it.

The latter is a lie.

And the big lie impacts each and every one of us.

World leaders, the rich and famous, the poor and sad…none can exist in this society and be immune to it. Yes, you can absolutely behave in ways that are fulfilling and healthy. Ways that will have a positive impact on others. Of course, you can want love and success. But none of it will ever change your value. It’s not a currency that can be increased.

It’s already there.

Why do people go around chanting “I am enough” like some kind of mantra? Because they believe they’re not. Because of the big lie. The most important thing we can ever do for ourselves is actively search out where we are wrong. So we can develop that muscle. To be able to see that we’re wrong about a long list of things. Which is much harder than it sounds. Because of that part of our brain. But doing this will make it possible to see your biggest wrong. To see your story for what it is. To see your big lie. You don’t have value because of what you own, who you’re with, what you’ve accomplished, the people you’ve parented, the way you look, the approval you’ve gotten, or anything else. And you never lost any value for your failures. No matter what the world says. No matter what your brain says.

This is not something to earn.

Not something you can lose.  

Your entire life is branches off this tree. It’s all an extension of this. Can you see your own personal big lie? This isn’t some new age hippie greeting card. It’s about honesty. About realizing you’re more than just the way you’ve been programmed since birth.

There’s just no way to be honest with yourself when you believe your big lie.

And the only thing in your way?

That same damn part of your brain.

It runs the show and always has.

Are you cool with that?

Tips For Online Success

The art of staying connected.
Pay attention to any alerts coming from your phone. Each and every one of them should be treated as critical. Your device could light up at any moment. So, when it does? Stop whatever you’re doing. Quickly shift your gaze down like a dog finding a bone. And remember to do this every single time your phone lights up for the rest of your life. When sitting in a movie theater. If out to dinner with loved ones. Even while using the bathroom. You now have the world at your fingertips. It must remain the sole focus of your life.  

When people show you who they are…believe them.
This is especially true on Facebook and Instagram. Because social media is more than just an accurate glimpse into someone’s life. It’s a window into their soul. When viewing a profile page, you are essentially a fly on the wall of that person’s home. Living their day-to-day reality with them. So, observe closely. Those images can be used as a way to increase understanding – of how you should be living. When you can see it, you can be it. And there’s no better way to compare your life to others than via high-speed internet from many miles away.

Join the AI revolution.
Technology is moving faster and faster. It’s natural to be scared of getting left behind. But we only fear what we don’t understand. So, why not dip a toe in the water? Start slowly – maybe follow a few of the beautiful AI models you see on Instagram. That’s a pleasant way to begin. Admire their glowing skin, six-pack abs, and toned arms. Soak it all up. Because, together, we humans can evolve past all the body image issues that plague us. We’ll soon move to a much better place. By trying desperately to look like the non-humans.

Keep both eyes hands on the prize.
Occasionally, on very rare occasions, your phone will emit a strange squeal. It will be an unusual sound. One that will likely confuse you for a moment. Is this some sort of emergency alert? Do machines have dying cries for help? In this moment, take a breath. Just stay calm and realize that your phone is ringing. Bizarre, I know. But a segment of the population (usually senior citizens) will still engage in old-fashioned traditions. Like verbal conversations. When this occurs, try to remain empathetic. Because boomers deserve kindness too. Just remember to have these conversations via speakerphone so your hands can keep scrolling. It’s best to stay occupied while pretending to listen.

Setting clear boundaries.
Times change. And our world continues to evolve. You no longer need to prioritize the comfort of others while denying your own needs. It’s natural to want space. Boundaries allow you to set reasonable limits. Like spending as little time in-person with other humans as you wish. Growing increasingly comfortable in isolation. Just you and your devices. Until reaching the point that you become noticeably awkward and anxious when entering actual rooms with actual people. This is what boundaries are all about.

Enter the circle of trust.
It’s easy to be jaded, right? That sort of energy is all around us. But consider the opposite. How many people really allow themselves to trust? How many stay open enough to still believe in things? We’ve all heard the famous phrase – where there’s smoke, there’s fire. And there’s such wisdom in that. Who actually has the time to spread fake rumors? Does anyone? Have faith in the sanctity of a place called the worldwide web. A place where none of the headlines you read are made up. The cyber world isn’t perfect. But it’s rooted in truth. So, allow yourself to trust it fully.

Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.
There’s a deep freedom in embracing our truest self. Where we have nothing to prove. Nobody to impress. We feel so much more alive in that vulnerability. Why not live your best life? Here I am. Fully exposed. Wearing my heart and soul on my sleeve. That courage should permeate throughout your social media posts. In every selfie. Nothing but the real you. With only a few minor tweaks of cropping, retouching, skin smoothing, teeth whitening, and facial adjusting. Followed by just a minimal amount of work using body slimming apps. It’s a raw glimpse at the real you. That’s true vulnerability.

Develop your sense of humor.
This requires a clever mind. A growing mastery of the ins and outs of comedy. For example, start using the word “literally” in a series of absurd ways. Posting about how you literally just died of embarrassment. Do a similar thing with the word, “objectively.” By using it so incorrectly that people will wonder if you have any idea what it even means. That’s high comedy. And, of course, always continue throwing people off with random misuse of “your” and “you’re.” This wackiness will have your followers rolling with laughter.

(Pro tip: A true comedic master will extend this into their text message conversations. You want to provide more joy to your loved ones, right? When they send you an SMS message, shoot back 7 straight texts instead of putting it all into one reply. They won’t even know what they’re replying to. But they sure as hell will know they’re in the company of a genius)

Still take time to address serious matters.
Obviously, it’s important to care about the world. If we don’t, who will? Which is why you should regularly get into political arguments on the internet. When in doubt, push harder. You’ll find that most people, on both sides of the aisle, are eager to have their minds changed. Sharing is caring. So, let your strongest opinions fly. And, beyond that, it’s what you always wanted to be when you grew up – a person who argues about politics with strangers. Now, this isn’t for the faint of heart. You might feel something in the pit of your stomach when you realize the person you’ve been shouting at for an hour is a child. Keep your chin up. True confidence is winning an argument with a fifth grader and then drinking a celebratory beer. In some circles, this is known as “living the dream.”

Stand up for the little guy.
Will life ever be perfect? Of course not. So, be the change you want to see in the world. Call out all the privilege around you. Shout it out loudly. From your air-conditioned home. Using your state-of-the-art smartphone. Between episodes of the new series you’ve been binging on one of your streaming services. Just don’t forget to add hashtags. They are the absolute foundation of creating real change in any society.
#changetheworld
#blessed

Bad At Flirting

Alright, let’s recap the last 5 seconds:

I asked, “Excuse me, is the line always this long?”

Then she goes:

“Yup, best coffee in town!”

Pretty sure she looked me in the eyes for an extra two seconds with that warm smile.

Or is this just my imagination again?

I mean, there’s really no way to know for sure.

So, why not say something witty and test the waters?

Maybe a comment on the current cold weather.

That isn’t witty, though.

Unless I say it ironically…

Something like, “We’re up to snow good out there.”

Jesus, man, get it together.  

This is not the way to impress an attractive woman.

And she sure is beautiful.

Some lucky schmuck will get to spend his days with her.

Oh, how I wish it were me.

She totally seems like a dog person.

Maybe I should go buy a dog and then come back here with it.

For the love of God, man, get it together.

Just say something.

Anything.

Oh, wow, I think I just caught a whiff of her hair.

Smells really nice.

Like a coconut or some kind of fruit salad.

Why can’t I have nice-smelling hair?

Maybe I should ask what shampoo she uses.

Dude, that’s actually a little creepy.

Who do you think you are?

Oh, hey, beautiful stranger. Any thoughts on hygiene products?

No.

This is your opportunity to actually say the right thing.

To not put your foot in your mouth for once.

What would George Clooney say?

Something charming, no doubt.

So just man up and get the words out.

Be normal.

Ok, I’ve got this.

Stepping up to the plate.

Take a big breath and speak.

Here we go…

“Excuse me.”

“Yes?”

“So, how about that Elon Musk nazi salute?”

(sigh)

Vortex

‘Twas a year so long and stressful. Now over. In the past.

Arriving at the holidays

My moment’s here at last.

This time I won’t be lazy. Scenic hikes and eating right.

Will even take an online course

And make sweet love at night.

The first day? An adjustment. 19 cookies, too much wine…

Just need to find my sea legs

Then this season shall be mine.

Next two days? A foggy blur. Don’t think I used my feet.

First, a coma watching Die Hard

Then face-down in piles of meat.  

Unsure what day it is now. But there’s a beard upon my face.

In the vortex known as sofa…

Is where I drift through time and space.

Deep imprint on my sectional, which tells a sordid tale.

Of a man who once loved sunlight,

Enjoyed nice salads made with kale.

But since arriving at these holidays? No hike or online class.

The intercourse did not take place

And pants feel tighter on my ass.

I reside in winter carnage. Dried-out tree still on display.

A crooked wreath hangs sadly

How is football played each day?

Confused, I stand up slowly. As a chubby, drunken mess.

Crumbs fall from me, I tweak a knee

And make my educated guess:

Must be December 35^th now? Surely, many moons have passed.

Have I fully lost my grip on days…

Oh, wait, the 1^st is here at last!

It’s back, some sense of normalcy. Real life is on the way.

Right after “Happy New Year” greetings

Those should end by early May.  

Truth Or Consequences

Phillip is a corporate titan. He rules his kingdom from a corner office in the sky.

Imposing square footage? Check.
Floor-to-ceiling windows with a view of the water? Obviously.

Anxious employees rush in and out each day. Sitting nervously on his Italian leather couch. Feeling tiny under all that expensive artwork. Their tough boss always armed with a scowl and a growl. This big man and his big title.

Phillip plays the role to perfection. As he has for decades. The world sees him as a take-charge guy.

Driven.

Ruthless.

He’s nearly 60 years old now. And nobody has a clue that Phillip spent his life pretending. This show of strength. Power. How he wants to be seen. Only a few more years and it’ll be what they see all the way to his last breath.

They’ll never know how afraid he was of being alone.

Won’t see how terrified he was of getting hurt.

Will never realize he felt a million miles away from being a “take-charge guy.”

Phillip has been doing this dance for a very long time. And it’s not just for them.

This story he needs to tell.

–

Heather avoids calling herself an influencer…but loves being one.  

First thing she does each morning? A skilled edit of the day’s photos. She’s a phenom with filters. The Leonardo da Vinci of looking good. Her follower count keeps growing. Numbers rising at turbo speed. Heather basks in the warm glow of social media approval. She’s the recipient of envy. An object of desire. No minutes pass without a compliment on her appearance.

Before her morning coffee, Heather sits down to digitally alter her face. Day after day. The images posted with hashtags about self-love. Acceptance. She cultivates her page with such gusto. Driven by something she can’t quite express. Puts a positive word on it. Thinks of it as passion. But beneath the hashtags and flowery language lies truth. Heather is mortified by her impressive looks. She spirals deeper each day. Seeing new flaws and imperfections from an aging face – the stranger who stares back from her mirror.

Heather preaches vulnerability to her followers. Empowerment. Teaching them to put themselves out there. But the thought of actually doing that?

It fills her with panic.

This young woman who alters her face before allowing the world to see it.

–

Rick and Lauren cheer America as the greatest nation on the planet.

It’s far beyond opinion.

This is something they know to be true.

Something they can feel.

All the way down to the depths of their souls.

Berating anyone who disagrees.   

…this couple who has never stepped foot in another country.

–

Ray and Stephanie love each other.

For years, they’ve expressed it on a daily basis. Whether in-person, over the phone, or in written form. They see each other as the oxygen they breathe. Stephanie’s friends adore him. Ray’s family is her unofficial fan club.

They might as well be a single word at this point – RayAndStephanie.

Two peas in a pod.

Currently, Stephanie is hiding an emotional affair. And Ray is in a physical one. They stopped being able to communicate years ago. Now speaking from routine and habit rather than from their hearts. Ray knows he loves her. Even while entering another woman’s bed. Stephanie feels increasingly empty inside, but tells herself she’s in love.

Their actions no longer show it.

Their hearts look elsewhere.

But this couple fully believes the words that come from their mouths.  

–

Matt writes a daily blog.

Positive feedback pours in. Makes him feel like a Robin Hood of sorts. The generous giver. So, after a while, he starts defining himself as the guy who wants to help people.

Says it over and over again.

And the new identity feels wonderful.

So intoxicating, in fact, that he grows immune to seeing anything else. Blocks out any data that contradicts it. Becoming addicted to his drug of choice – identity.

This is who he “is.”

Matt is eventually unable to see any of the pain he causes. Unwilling to let it in. He’s Robin Hood, after all. How could he ever be the villain of a story when he’s the hero?

Matt grows adept at discarding bitter pills.

Choosing only the ones that are easy to swallow.

He has already decided which story to believe.

–

Juliette never makes waves.

She dresses…and speaks…crisply. Always behaves like a professional. Even when the people around her don’t follow suit. But that’s not for her to judge. And she never does. As a child, Juliette made her parents proud. As an adult, she’s a dependable neighbor, friend, and employee.

Never caused any problems.

Never met a negative performance appraisal.

Forever a good girl.

Based on all her feedback, Juliette is thriving. And the validation fuels her. So she stays perpetually in motion. It’s a trick she learned long ago – to distract herself from the pesky question…

What would happen if she spread her wings?

This makes her uncomfortable. She chooses safety. Over and over again. Locking her personality in a small box. For so long that she can no longer see what’s inside. Might it be a wild spirit? A rebel? Maybe even a creative genius? At this point, there’s no way to tell. The box is now a home. And Juliette hides inside as a prisoner of her own adjectives.

Still “professional” and “dependable.”

A good girl who no longer dreams of being anything more.  

–

Really look around.

In every direction. For as far as you can see.

We humans love to think of ourselves as self-aware. But we lie to ourselves to avoid the hardest feelings.

Usually not with bad intentions.

We do this to cope.

And guess what?

You do it too.

(So do I)

See, the only way to live an honest life is by looking at our own dishonesty. It’s just about the hardest thing we can ever do. But it’s sitting right there.

And you really won’t want to see it.  

The holiday season includes a lot of rewinding. Memories of fun times from 2024. The money you made. Bright images of the year. Vacations and belly laughs.

My wish for you is to be willing to see more than just what feels good.  

To spend a little time with the lies.

Those big ones you tell yourself.

Because a lot more growth comes from there than from your highlight reel.