Mile Nerd

Costume Change

Something’s on my mind. Not a fact. Just an honest question.

Could it be possible that I’m actually…a tiny bit…famous?

Weird question. Maybe off-putting? My fault. I really don’t want to offend you. It makes me sad when people get upset. Look, I know I’m not a movie star. Or some kind of great athlete. So, let’s not call it “famous.” But maybe…a little recognizable?

Here’s the thing:

I get these cool reactions from strangers. Happens ALL the time. Almost. Every. Day. We can’t pretend it doesn’t exist. So, forgive me if this sounds like bragging. Again, please don’t get mad. I really don’t know how else to put it – a lot of people DO come up to me. And, if we’re being totally honest…

I kind of love it.

Lemme break down the pattern. Out minding my own business. Looking for food or whatever. And then I meet eyes with a total stranger. They light up. Almost as if they know me. Women, in particular. Not exactly the worst part of my day. Sometimes they’ll just smile. Often, they linger to talk for a while. You might be wondering…am I looking my best? Nope. Usually just dirty and out for a walk. But. It. Doesn’t. Matter. The attention keeps coming.   

I know this sounds like bragging.

Trust me. Totally not the case. Let’s run through the list. I’m overweight. Gassy. Apparently, I even drool when sleeping. And my breath? Not always minty fresh. Which is EXACTLY my point. This is not an awesome list of traits. Almost like nothing stops people from being excited to see me.

Oh yeah, one more. Don’t get me started on what it’s like when I’m hungry. Oof. Just a total pain in the butt. I get moody. Almost like nothing exists in the world beyond my next meal.

So, you’ve heard actual celebrities talk about what it’s like to get approached. How lame it is? Right? Well, lean in closely and I’ll tell you the truth…

It’s the best.

Now, I’m not a celebrity. And, at times, I wonder if I’ve landed in some cool/unique crack in the universe. Kind of a like a black hole – but an awesome one. Is life perfect? Of course not. You should see how many squirrels are tearing up my yard as we speak. Annoying. Or how about society? Are human beings perfect?  

Nope.

I mean, what’s with ALL the drama? So unnecessary. Even the “important” things like jobs and money? All of it is just randomness that someone made up along the way. But there’s a flip side. Humans do invent some pretty cool stuff too…

When’s the last time you really stopped for a second to appreciate something simple? Like cars. Seems like everyone drives them. But I remain in TOTAL awe. Wanna do a fun experiment today? Roll down your windows. Hit a long stretch of open road. And feel that breeze. Really feel it. Get lost in the bliss.

Slice of heaven, if you ask me.

Sure, sometimes it feels like I live for the weekends. Gets a bit lonely during the workday. But that’s why I try to make the most of holidays. Hanging out. All the little things. Like tossing a ball around with the best people in the world. My family.

Maybe some occasions are a bit too much…

Like, do we really need to light fireworks for everything? So excessive. Thanksgiving is more my speed. Just a big ol’ pile of turkey and a long nap on the couch. Can’t wait for that chill time. But before it arrives…

We endure my least favorite holiday…

The complete and total mess in late October.

I mean, come on.

Costumes? Really?

Makes no sense why anyone would call it fun. Not my thing at all. Ok, maybe I’m being cranky. But it feels weird having all that stuff on me. So uncomfortable. And if we’re being totally honest? I do this crazy thing. Kind of like…I just freeze. Embarrassing to say out loud. Not sure why I do that. But it’s almost like my brain clicks off. Then I get motionless.

Oh boy, here they come now.

They want me to try on costumes?

Now? Already?

Why would they do this to me????

OH BOY, THEY’RE TRYING TO PUT IT ON.

Ok, gotta run.

AHHHHH IT’S ON ME!!!!!!!!!!! I’M TRAPPED!!!!!!!!!!

Aaaaaand…

Totally frozen.

Gap Season

I stare at walls for hours. Weeping softly in my beer.

Needing honks at every stoplight

So that I’ll put my car in gear.

No halfcourt shot from Curry. Oh, Mahomes where have you gone?

On CBS…a comedy

Enough of you, Vince Vaughn.

Basketball is over. And, still, football isn’t close.

All crackheads need a daily fix

IT’S 2 MONTHS TIL MY NEXT DOSE!

You think I need more balance. Or perhaps a breath?

My oxygen is from the games

Please see: Walter White + meth.

Long. This sports hiatus. I float through space and time.

What is life outside the seasons? 

A search for reason or some rhyme.

I phone my friend for guidance. To help me with the pain.

Call drops. A bad connection.

Must be weather, maybe rain?

He shows up at my doorstep. Looks weary and quite old.

While trembling hard, he hugs me tight

So frigid. Feels ice cold.

Dead-eyed, with just a whisper, he mumbles in a haze:

“Season kicks off with the Eagles…

…still another 60 days.”

My rugged friend, a bulldog. But now more like a pup.

I push him back, then ask with force:

“WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. A. WORLD. CUP?”

We walk for miles in silence. Blank stares of fallen men.

Both are shattered and heartbroken…

Surely never whole again.

Only soccer and lame baseball. Those crumbs are not a meal.

Then a miracle, it lifts us…

I hear a crowd begin to squeal.

Stadium? Behind those trees! Could it really be?

The spunkiness inside me lives…

We sprint ahead to see.

I’ll be rowdy once again! A wild and crazy menace!

All my passion as a fan is back…

(Oh, wait, I caught a glimpse)

This shit is only tennis.

The Golden Girls

Heart surgery for my mom. She needed some caretaking and we’ve been taking shifts. I’m here now. All is well.

Oh, also…

This is my 15^th straight night in West Virginia.

Fifteen.

I mean, it’s possible I’ve lost track of days.

Because, really, what is time anymore?

Impossible to measure when people are this friendly.

Over here, a “quick” conversation can range from 45 minutes to no-memories-of-a-time-before-this-chat.

Earlier today, I ran into a neighbor at the grocery store. Asked about my mom. We only parted ways because her ice cream started melting. Maybe that’s the cue to say goodbye in West Virginia?

But, yeah, it’s a nice way of life.

For example…

Wanna guess how many Get Well cards are on this mantle? Good luck. Can’t even see the mantle anymore. Just looks like a massive pile of good wishes floating on the wall. Even Rain Man would need a calculator.  

Each night brings a new set of friendly visitors. A parade of warm vibes. Tonight, Darlene and Carol will be a bit younger than the usual crowd. And, by that, I mean slightly closer to 70 than 80. No doubt they’ll be delightful. It’s a live stage version of The Golden Girls here each night.

The doorbell rings.

Darlene comes in like she was shot out of a cannon. Pulls me in for a giant hug. As if reuniting with her oldest friend. The kind of hug you get when it’s been way too long.

We just met.

Carol holds her arms out. She says:
“Where’s my hug? Oh, are they free – ok I’ll take two!”

Everyone cracks up.

The (tea) party is on.

They sit down for chai. Wait. Darlene has some juicy gossip. She fixed her daughter up with an amazing guy? My mom looks VERY intrigued. Haven’t seen her this alert since the two-hug joke. Ah, this matchmaking story took place during pickleball?

Unfortunate note:
I’ve entered into a coma. Please give me a moment. My body’s response is to go limp and unconscious when hearing the word “pickleball.”  

Ok, back to life. I hear Darlene talking about how Indian food is much harder to cook. Her daughter and pickleball guy just follow simple recipes.

Carol:
“I don’t like to cook.”

Darlene:
“But you’re so great in the kitchen!”

Carol:
“Doesn’t mean I like it in there.”

The room cracks up again.

Oh, that Carol!

Random thought:
How safe is it to consume chai at this speed?

Darlene has a granddaughter. I guess she’s a backup dancer for Beyonce. They ask if I know her. Which is such a West Virginia question. Also, are they referring to Beyonce or the daughter?

(This confusion might be a “me” problem. I don’t actually know what day of the week it is right now)

They move on to the topic of heart blockage stuff. But that’s lame. So, they pivot quickly…

It seems Carol adopted her kids. We’re talking decades ago. Normally, there wouldn’t be much follow-up on that subject. But this is West Virginia. Darlene and my mom want to know ALL the details. When did she tell the kids? How did that conversation go? To be honest, it’s quite a story.

Darlene smiles warmly and says:
“We’ve really missed this. Haven’t had chai with you in almost a year. Can you believe that?”

Nobody can believe it.

By my count, this is now their third round of chai. Possibly fourth. With no signs of slowing. I add some cookies to the heaping pile of snacks. Carol winks at me.

I’m unsure how to react.

A strange giggle comes out of my mouth.  

They exclaim this will probably be their dinner. Carol says she needs to lose weight because her pants are too tight. Waits for the response. Too late. We’re on to the next topic…

Mom asks if they’ve seen any movies recently. Says The Devil Wears Prada is out. Carol claims to have watched it already.

Mom responds, “No, there’s a sequel.”

A debate ensues.

Plot points are shared.

I’m pretty sure all three of them are talking about different Meryl Streep movies.

With that issue “resolved,” mom asks what’s going on with this country. Carol is NOT happy about gas prices. Takes a swig of chai. Tries to calm down. Apparently, copious amounts of caffeine is good for relaxation.  

Someone’s phone rings.

Either that or a bomb just went off.

Is there an unwritten rule? As humans get older…do phone ringers need to reach new levels of volume? Is that a law? We’ve got sounds at this table I didn’t even know an iPhone could produce.

On the line is Darlene’s daughter (Tracy).

Darlene tries to “click on the Facetime.” Wants her daughter to see their tea party. Can’t find the button.

Tracy:
“Mom, I’m on the interstate.”

Some good news. My ears have recovered from the sonic boom trauma of that ringer. Wait, why did it sound like an old rotary phone? How’s that even possible?

Carol is teaching them how to play mahjong.

In my life, I’ve never heard a more confusing description of anything. Also, Carol tends to speak at a low mumble. I’m having a hard time grasping even the basic concept of this game.

Darlene brings a pad over and says:
“Carol, show me.”

Turbocharged from her latest cup of tea, Carol writes intensely. Are those symbols? Is this…ancient hieroglyphics? The room is very confused. They decide more chai is needed to solve our latest mystery.

The phone rings.

Once again…I am deaf.

Because of my hearing damage, I can’t tell who’s on the other line. But she’s asking if anyone saw the rainbow earlier. Current excitement level is off the charts. Was there a pot of gold at the end of it? Or might this be about the caffeine intake right now?

There seems to be a new hotspot in town – The Green Door.

Mom says cocktails are $16.

They all gasp.

Also, how does she even know this? The woman hasn’t ordered a cocktail since Alf topped the Nielsen ratings.  

Darlene:
“Oh yes, it’s very upscale.”

Carol:
“No, that place isn’t upscale.”

Seconds later Carol asks, “What’s the green door?”

This appears to be another Devil Wears Prada situation. Facts are needed. Darlene grabs the wheel. Thanks to her very loud iPhone, she reads an online description of The Green Door.

It’s handled.

Until we find out she was reading the description for a different restaurant.

In Las Vegas.

Final cups of chai. Gotta be near the half-dozen mark by now.

They are very caffeinated.

More gushing about the rainbow. Carol can’t believe she missed it.

They’re starting to fade.

But, hey, at least they know what day it is.

Time for a warm goodbye. Lots of bear hugs. I think it’s possible I have a broken rib. Darlene says, “We’re going to take such good care of your mom.” Not even a tiny part of me doubts her. The door closes.

5 minutes later, Carol comes back.

Forgot to grab her sound machine phone.

She says, “I hope we’ll get another rainbow tomorrow.”

Yeah. Me too, Carol.

The door closes again.

Sigh.

I miss them already.

Confrontations

Here’s a brand new (occasional) feature at monthly posts with MileNerd.

Let’s call it…

One-moment microscope.

You know the movie. Marty McFly goes back to 1955. Finds the younger version of his parents. His world hangs in the balance. And our world? Blown away. Still cheering it on 40 years later. No doubt you’ve seen it multiple times. But, today, I’d like to show you something for the first time…

We’re going under the microscope. To look at a single word from Back To The Future.

(Yes, literally one word)

For this story to work, we have to see George McFly go through a major change. Marty’s dad is a coward. An embarrassment. His arc becomes one of the great surprises of the movie. Remember the first time you saw it? When George finds his courage and stands up to Biff? The entire audience fills with joy. You, me, and everyone else. We get it. Lorraine falls in love on the spot.

Because he’s not just a doormat anymore.

He’s brave.

Oh, but he has to get there…

See, his journey from wussification to strength is a major part of the story. George can’t just have balls from the start. Otherwise, there’s nowhere for him to go. So, let’s say you’re playing the character of George…

Who are you at the start? What’s your relationship like with Biff? And with your family? Clearly, none of them have a ton of respect for you. You’re a man with no backbone. Right?

So…

The audience needs to see who that is. We need to see it clearly. To feel bad when George gets picked on. To feel bummed for Marty having a dad like that. It’s important. Because that’s how we’ll really enjoy the big moment at the end. When George finally gets his triumph.

Please take a minute to look at this scene.

Feel free to watch the whole thing – but we’re really going to focus in on the 2:10 mark.

There’s one simple-yet-brilliant choice I’d like you to see. It’s a very quick little moment. But it’s part of what makes this movie special enough to live on for 4 decades. The choice is this…

Deciding that George is so timid, so afraid of confrontations…

…that he struggles just to say the word.

He. Literally. Has. To. Whisper. It.

That one choice tells us exactly who George McFly is. It helps set up his huge arc. Allowing us to bask in his glory later – when he chooses to be a different kind of man. Someone who no longer accepts being bullied. See, there are dozens of choices even in that short clip. But our micro-breakdown is about this one single word. This whisper.

It’s such a clever choice.

In a sense, it sets up the entire rest of the movie.

You get to go on a ride – with a coward who becomes a hero. Sharing in his big personal journey. You’ve watched many other stories about time travel. So, why did this one capture the imagination for decades?

It’s in these little choices and moments.

Under the microscope, they add up to something unforgettable.

Dare To Dream

My fellow Americans.

It’s with a deep sense of pride that I announce my candidacy. Yes, that’s right. I’m running for President of the United States.

Now I know what you’re thinking…

How could anyone possibly do it better? We’re already living in the golden age.

Fair point.

But let me ask you a question…

Shouldn’t we always strive for more? Or would you rather just rest on our (wildly impressive) laurels? Me, I believe in progress. And after carefully studying our society, it’s safe to say:

I know exactly what America wants.

Can I deliver this alone? Of course not. We’re all just flesh-and-blood individuals. But together we can be so much more. Please allow me a moment to humbly offer some new ideas. And if you share my dreams of a brighter future for our nation? Then maybe you’ll grant me the honor of your vote. Without further ado…

Here’s my five-point plan to make America kick ass again.

(pronounced MAKAA – say it loudly at the end, like a bird squawking)  

1 – Heal the bickering

Does anyone enjoy our election season anymore? All the arguments. Endless noise. Going on and on for months at a time. Both sides agree – it’s exhausting.

Well…

If elected, I’ll finally put an end to this excruciating process. No more months of bickering. That’s right. You’ll be able to sleep soundly in peace and quiet. Knowing our constant fighting will be over. Because now we’ll have only one BIG fight that decides our elections. An extravaganza. Yes, you guessed correctly. I’m talking about a cagematch in Madison Square Garden. Winner takes all.

Two humans, one cage.

The victor gets the presidency. The loser surrenders. And gets deported, of course. It’s a can’t miss pay-per-view event. Limited tickets available on the White House website.  

2 – Field experts, shmeild experts

Recently, I put a great deal of thought into this question – what is an expert? Is it even a real thing? Facts and “knowledge” get debated as much as opinions. There’s really only one thing we can agree on…

That our leaders always seem to be inept.

Aren’t you exhausted? I know I am. Why must we choose between two bad options? It’s almost like we’re being run by the worst of our society. Well, my government will be very different. With the best of us appointed to run America. That’s right…

I’m talking about celebrities.

You’re nodding your head furiously, right? Bingo. Who needs “knowledge” when you can have starpower? And we’re already off to a great start. After meeting with Tiger Woods over the weekend, he’s in negotiations for a role on my staff. I told him go ahead and pick any job. But, to me, Director Of Transportation feels like a great fit. It’s such a bland position. We need a superstar behind the wheel of it.

Fingers crossed.

Like me, you’ve always dreamed of seeing A-listers in charge of our government. We know them. We trust them. Obviously, the rich and famous are well-suited to be public servants. Stars, they’re just like us. For months, I tried to think of a good Director Of Intelligence. Then boom, a bolt of lightning. It came to me. We’re all thinking the same name, right? Because who doesn’t love Britney Spears? In retrospect, our smartest decisions always turn out to be the most obvious. This entire country wants to see her succeed. So, why not show our trust…

By handing her the keys to our nation’s security.

“Let me spread my wings and I will fly.”
-Susan Boyle, American Idol

3 – No new taxes

The dreaded “T-word.” Gross. Yes, taxes suck. Objectively. It’s not exactly a controversial take. But what if I told you I was planning to lower them? Oh, right. Everyone says that. So…

Why don’t I just go ahead and ELIMINATE all of your taxes?

You can go ahead and save the date for my parade. I mean, who needs taxes anyway? Not this guy. And not my America. Sure, you’ll end up paying a bit more than you do now. But I’m officially changing the name to “citizens are awesome” donations.

Way nicer ring to it than “taxes.”

Doesn’t it feel great to be complimented? You are an awesome citizen. And we sure do appreciate your financial contributions. Keep on keepin’ on. By that I mean please work a bit harder because we need more of your money.

But never forget…

We think you’re awesome.

4 – Fix the news confusion

Are you fed up with all the misinformation each day? People trying to trick you. Messing with your beautiful mind. It’s like living in a spider web of confusion. How can someone know what’s fake anymore? Or if anything is still real? Just no way to tell. Your mind stays restless. On high alert.

Until now, that is.

From this day forward, ALL news will be fake. It’s the first thing I’m signing into law. You no longer need to bang your head against the nearest wall to figure out what’s true.

Because nothing will be.

Breathe a giant sigh of relief. Exhale. Your daily confusion is gone. Everything you read or watch will be total baloney. A big, steaming pile of poppycock.    

Except for what I tell you.

Which is always 100% true.

You’re living in the era of TMB. So, just do the T. And I’ll be the M.

Trust me bro.   

5 – Put an end to wars

What’s up with all the fighting? Missiles and bombs everywhere. Day after day. Can’t we all just get along? Yes we can, Rodney.

Yes. We can.

Wouldn’t you love to live in peace? I sure would. And our answer is crystal clear…

We must blow up all the other countries.

How did all of our past administrations drop the ball on this? They totally fumbled the rock. We’ve finally solved our constant fighting. Thanks to a perfect solution. With no other nations, how can there be wars? Quick, hand me a microphone to drop. At long last, you’ll have peace. And, in my second term, maybe we’ll blow up the immigrants too.

(Oh, actually, there won’t be any left)

Best. Prez. Ever.

Small fyi…you’re all needed in the military for this last war. I call it Project Elimination. Might only take a few months to wipe out these other pesky countries. I know what you’re thinking. And you’re right. Some of you probably won’t make it out alive. But, hey, thanks for your service.

You’re awesome.