The Uber Experiment
You trust complete strangers to drive you around, right?
Actually, that’s probably not the best way to advertise Uber…
“Get into some dude’s car and hope you’re not meeting a lunatic”
I mean, what if we showed up here in a time machine from 20 years ago? We’d see a bunch of people getting into the back of random Honda Civics and wonder what the hell is going on in the world.
The whole thing is fascinating. At least to me. So, for the past week, I went on an Undercover Nerd mission. For years, I’ve been curious to see what it’s like. So I signed up, downloaded the app, and drove strangers around for an hour or two per night. I took notes to share my experience with you here…
Night 1
(There’s no instruction other than a quick video. And, weirdly, there’s no picture of the rider. Just a name and address. Traffic isn’t a factor at 9 PM, so that seems like a good time of night to head out)
I get to a big house in a nice neighborhood. An older Israeli man opens the passenger door, smiles, and sits down right next to me. The app shows where he’s going but I want to make conversation and ask, “Where are we off to?” That’s pretty much all it takes for him to talk the entire ride. The guy is very friendly. He’s visiting America for the first time (a 4-month vacation from Los Angeles to Miami to New York to Hawaii). He sounds a little homesick already. I ask if he likes LA and he says, “No. The whole city goes to sleep at 10 PM.” That’s kind of true. He’s used to more lively nights. I drop him off at Coffee Bean, he apologizes for his poor English (which was actually pretty good), shakes my hand, and walks into the night to meet his buddy. I hope he’ll enjoy the other cities more.
The app beeps again. I’m off to pick up 2 ladies at Sushi Spot. It’s my first Uber encounter with something I’ll see a lot of over the next few nights…drunk people. A pair of mid-40’s blonde women get in and fill the car with the smell of perfume and sake. They’re laughing like old friends who are tickled to get a night out together. The lady next to me (Sarah) asks if I’m Indian. Then she starts talking about her buddy in India. I say we don’t actually all know each other and she laughs as if I’ve told the world’s funniest joke. We talk about sushi for a few minutes, they crack up at a lot of semi-funny jokes, and I get them to an impressive-looking home safely.
Next stop is Ralphs (the California version of Kroger). A shy, fairly awkward Asian girl in her 20’s sits down next to me. She seems lonely. Usually takes the bus home from her job at the service deli. It’s a 90-minute ride each way and she’s too exhausted for that today. Felt like splurging. I ask how long she’s lived in the area and she whispers that she just moved from Las Vegas. Has yet to make any friends in town. Turns out that Vegas is the only other city she’s been to in America. I say a couple of travel-related things and she’s unusually excited about every little tidbit. Even just talking about New York pizza…she had no idea that they’re known for it. And she seems very interested in hearing about San Francisco. Asks me how much a bus trip there would cost. I have no clue. After talking to her for a few minutes, I start feeling very lucky to have traveled so much. I really hope she’ll be ok here. She reminds me of a little mouse who peeks into the world and then scurries back into a safe hiding place. I really find myself rooting for her. Seconds after dropping her off at a fairly scary apartment building, the app beeps to let me know I have a “New Compliment,” whatever that means. I look at the screen which reads, “Great Conversationalist.” It’s surprisingly touching.
Night 2
I get a beep from a mansion in the hills. The passenger gets in…white, late 20’s, absurd amount of perfume. Her name is Jennifer. She has a little girl voice. Turns out they’re filming a Lifetime movie in the house and she’s been doing background extra work. As with some other people I’ve met who do background work, she’s…a bit strange. Keeps saying she can one day get acting work…and that she’ll be “the hot girl” in movies. Keeps talking about how Matt McCoy was the lead of the Lifetime movie. Who the fuck is Matt McCoy? I have no idea. All in all, she’s extremely entertaining and talks for 20 minutes straight. She reveals that she’d like to be “the hot girl” in an episode of Ballers with Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. I drop her off at a small apartment in Hollywood and she skips away into the night.
The last beep took me to a mansion in the hills. This one takes me to McDonald’s. A young Hispanic man is just getting off work. Since I’m abnormally passionate about two things…deals and food…I ask if the grub is free for employees there. He laughs at the nerdiness of my question and says they only get a 50% discount. We stay on the subject of food. He’s always wanted to try sushi but hasn’t had it yet. I give a couple of recommendations with good lunch specials and he tells me about some hidden gems for tacos. Great kid. I drop him off in a rough area of town.
The next beep comes with a note. Looks like I’m headed to a hospital down the street. A lady needs a ride for her elderly Hispanic mom (who I pick up from the emergency room). A question or two is all it takes for the mom to open up about her life. Her husband keeps cancelling appointments to get hip replacement surgery done. She doesn’t understand it. Their life would be much better if he’d just do it already. I hear the huge amount of stress this causes her and, obviously, the dude needs to get it done. As we pull up to her apartment, I try to express that he sounds scared because he never had to go through anything like that before. She thanks me for talking to her and says it helped. She gets out slowly and says, “You have a nice car.” Honestly, I really don’t (it’s a Buick Encore that I lease for 99 bucks a month). But it was a sweet moment from a sweet lady. A few minutes later, the app beeps and says I have a $3 tip. Again, it’s surprisingly satisfying.
Night 3
I pick up a young guy who recently moved from Arkansas. Clearly gay. And it sure as hell seems like he went through some stuff growing up there. He has a defensive kind of energy. Almost like he’s bracing for trouble. I’m taking him to a bar in West Hollywood. It’s a pretty long ride. We talk about stuff that’s pretty surface level. He has such sad kind of energy and doesn’t open up like the other people did. I hope he’s able to find some supportive friends here.
Around the corner, I pick up a young girl (early 30’s) at the Troubadour – a popular nightclub for live music. She can be best described as bubbly. I don’t need to ask a single question to get her talking. Apparently, she eats a lot of food all the time in an attempt to put on weight. That’s a pretty unusual thing to hear from a girl. Why all the food? “Guys like booties these days and mine is too skinny.” I calculate how to respond in the most un-pervy way possible and just end up nodding. She mentions that she’s always single and doesn’t know how to act with guys. Things like expressing affection – “They end up with hurt feelings because I never say romantic kind of stuff.” She sounds genuinely confused about it. All in all, it’s a very entertaining 20 minutes. As she walks into her apartment, I get a beep that I’ve been tipped $5.
Ok, this is a weird situation. I get another ding and go around the corner in West Hollywood to pick up Julie. I reach the location and see a young lady waiting – late 20’s, serious looking. Remember how I mentioned the app not showing a picture of the rider? So, I ask if she’s Julie. She says yes, jumps in, and we’re off. Apparently, she’s a stand-up comedian. I ask how the show went and she says, “It’s a bad venue.” So, what’s the best venue? “Good question. Uh…they’re all bad.” Like many comedians, she’s not exactly a ray of sunshine. We drive 10 minutes and then I get a beep that says, “Ride Cancelled.” What the hell? I look back and she’s not using her phone at all. What is this? I ask again if she’s Julie and tell her about the Uber messages. She says, “Uber? I called for a Lyft.” And then we figure it out together. There was a Julie who called Lyft and a Julie who called Uber. At the same time. From the same bar. And I picked up the wrong one. Man, what are the odds? I can’t just leave her on the side of the road so I say, “Well, I guess you’re getting a free ride home tonight.” She has no visible reaction. I take her home, call it a night, and drive away wondering if she’s some kind of zombie.
Night 4
I pick up a quirky-looking couple, Matt and Jenny. Mid 30’s, white, wearing rock and roll t-shirts. Turns out they’re from Pittsburgh…a city I know well. We share our tales of Ben Roethlisberger’s douchebaggery. From walking out of restaurants without paying…to general rudeness…to damn-that-dude-is-lucky-to-be-walking-the-streets kind of stuff. We agree that it’s hard to root for the Steelers as long as he’s around. On the subject of sexual harassment, Jenny tells an interesting story of another gross powerful guy (her current employer). He’s a CEO who crossed a line at a bar and ended up giving her a job as a sort of settlement. Crazy stuff. I drop them at their live music show and head to the next stop.
As I pull up, I run over something clunky. It’s late and dark so I have no idea what it could be. The passengers get in – a couple, 40’s, black. They’re pretty emotional about something. I find out that they’ve been in a car wreck and their SUV was just towed away. Apparently, I drove over a piece of the wreckage. Very serious and emotional ride – he’s looking at the burn on his arm from the air bag and she keeps saying they’re lucky to be going home instead of the hospital. It’s their son’s 16th birthday and they were supposed to take him out for dinner. The dad is more worried about letting down his kid than he is about his arm. Clearly a hell of a day for this loving family.
I pick up a guy from his fancy hotel in
Beverly Hills. He speaks with an indistinguishable accent and stares at me like
he’s trying to decide if I’m an FBI agent. His scent is a mixture of cigarette
smoke and cologne. His wardrobe is, of course, a gold chain and a shirt that’s
a size too small. He talks about how successful he is in life. His most recent
trip was to Las Vegas (staying in “only the best suites”) and he used Uber to
get around there. The most memorable line?
“I told one Uber driver in Vegas that I
was looking for a massage. She said that’s what she does as her full-time job,
so I said screw it and she came back to the suite. The massage was ok and I got
a happy ending. I could have done better. She wasn’t that great looking, but I
already had my clothes off.”
I think that sums up the dude pretty well. I drop him off at a cheesy nightclub and immediately roll the windows down to air things out.
Night
5
I pick up a custodian from a nearby high school. Mid-30’s, Hispanic. I’m taking
him to a part of town I’ve never seen before. He seems lonely and says that he
usually stays up until 5 AM. I ask what he does that late – big party guy? But he
doesn’t have any vices – no drinking, no weed, no gambling. He just loves video
games. Well, he might get a tattoo one day – but it’s going to be the logo of his
favorite game. I drop him at a small apartment and find myself hoping he can meet
a nice, nerdy video game girl one day. Or maybe the shy mouse from Ralphs service
deli.
No other dings in the area, so I start to head home. But I get a beep on the way and follow it to a fancy bar. A couple of drunk guys in their 30’s get in. White, super friendly, seemingly successful in their careers. I notice the nerdier one is really enjoying when I pick on the cooler guy with some jokes. They’d been out trying to “meet chicks” but neither had any luck. I keep blaming the cool guy and they both enjoy the gag. They’re fascinated by the fact that I’m an Indian guy who grew up in West Virginia. It’s most likely the alcohol, but they love every single story and joke for 30 straight minutes. We laugh a lot and I drop them off at a very big house in the hills. One of them will probably be our next President.
I pick up a stylishly dressed blonde lady who’d been having dinner and drinks with friends. The last two guys would have gone crazy for her. She gets in and I ask if she had a fun night. She says, “Yeah it was a fun night…for a Monday or Tuesday…or is it Wednesday?” I tell her it’s still Monday for 20 more minutes and she laughs as if Chris Rock just delivered the funniest joke of his career. I realize just how drunk she is. She’s lived in Burbank her entire life and works as a fashion designer. She’s employed by a well-known guy but does her own thing on the side (very carefully). She’s unable to think of the phrase, “conflict of interest.” When I fill in the blank, she cracks up and yells “BANG!!!” And then slurs, “I’ve had…a few…drinks. So I couldn’t think of it.” I tell her about this post and she asks if I wanted to take a selfie. I decide against it. As I drop her off, I say, “You should design some clothes for dudes since all these guys are looking like schlubs lately.” And then I look down to notice my old t-shirt and Adidas track pants. Oh well. I get her home and she takes an exceptionally long time getting out of the car. Almost as if she doesn’t want to leave. Finally she says, “That was fun” and stumbles into her very nice house.
Night 6
A young-looking guy sits down in the back. Turns out he’s a high school junior named Yarden (who goes by “Jordan”). He’s clearly the “cool kid” at school and carries himself with unusual confidence. We talk about basketball for a while. He mildly annoys me by being a major Lebron James apologist. I’m driving him to a birthday party at his buddy’s house in Hidden Hills. We check in at the gate and I realize why the security guard is being so careful. I’ve been here one time before. This is the neighborhood where those renowned scholars known as the Kardashians live. Absolutely gigantic houses here. Actually, at this price range, they’re probably called “estates.” Whatever. Beautiful to look at, though. Lots of horse stables, tennis courts, swimming pools, etc. I get cool kid Yarden to his fancy party and…
…the app starts beeping instantly. Right as the cool kid gets out, another high schooler jumps in. He’s leaving the same party and called for a ride exactly as I showed up. This particular kid is definitely not considered cool at school. But I like him. He says, “I didn’t know anyone at the party and it was really awkward. I just wanted to go home.” He examines my face for a few seconds and asks, “Haven’t I seen you on TV?” Apparently, this not-so-cool-kid watches an incredible amount of television in his room. He asks some TV stuff for a few minutes and seems genuinely interested in my answers. This little dude is kind of like I was in high school – nerdy, curious, and very single. I ask if he drives. His face lights up (in a charmingly awkward way) and he says it’s his favorite thing to do. When we get to his house, he points to his car – a shiny, brand new BMW. Hmm…maybe our high school experiences weren’t so similar after all.
The app beeps and I pick up an old lady around the corner. When I say old, I believe she’s at least 90…and possibly closer to 290. She has 6 great-grandchildren who all live within 20 miles of each other. So, she spends a lot of her time taking Ubers around the city to visit them. Really impressive at her age.
Me: “Wow, you’re such a modern great-grandmother to use Uber like that.”
Her: “What??”
Me: “You’re such a modern great-grandmother.”
Her: “What??”
Me: “YOU”RE SUCH A MODERN PERSON.”
Her (smiling): Oh, yes. I am.
She moved full-time from Argentina 4 years ago and still seems very excited about life. She gets out of the car and I hear, “Take this.” I look back to find $4 carefully folded in her hand. I open her door and she walks away slowly with the help of her cane. Before she enters her apartment building, she turns around and says, “I’m modern.” I look down at the 4 bucks and smile.
Night 7 (final night)
A ridiculously friendly woman gets in the car from her shift at Petco. She has 2 little succulent plants (I think that’s the correct name) with her. She places them carefully into the cupholders and talks about how much she enjoys her job, animals, and the people she works with. She seems at peace and just…happy. Really nice to meet people like that. Such a pleasure. I mention that I don’t understand cats and she finds that hilarious (even though I was being serious). I drop her off at the modest home she shares with her girlfriend. Easily one of my favorite people from the week.
I pick up 4 young girls from Malibu. Early 20’s, different ethnicities. They’ve clearly been smoking some weed and keep me waiting a long time. This is the first ride that feels pretty miserable. It’s basically a walking, talking stereotype of young girls from Los Angeles. Such loud, annoying, mind-numbing conversation between them. It’s very Kardashian-ish. They talk total nonsense for 10 straight minutes until I happily get them out of the car. I drop them off in Venice and drive away like I’m Andy Dufresne leaving Shawshank.
The last beep of my weeklong journey takes me down the street in Venice. I see 2 young girls and cringe. Is this going to be more of the same? Not at all. These girls are totally charming. Whew. They get in and ask, “Want to hear our story of the worst Uber experience ever?” I say, “You mean the 4 people I just dropped off?” But their story is worse. Earlier in the day, they’d taken an Uber from Santa Monica to the Dodgers game. That’s a 2-hour drive at 5:00. Apparently, their driver really had to use the bathroom and…for some strange reason…dropped them off on the side of the freeway. He handed them a few bucks and just took off. Why didn’t he just take the next exit with them? I have no clue. But, yeah, that’s a crazy story. We share weird Uber experiences for the next 15 minutes and I drop them off at a nice beachfront condo.
So, what are my takeaways after driving for Uber for a week?
- Driving all over the city each night was tough on my body. Not to sound like a broken down old man…but that’s kind of what I am. I’m certainly feeling it physically.
- The money is awful. After gas and expenses, I would have pocketed more working at Walmart. No exaggeration. Sure, driving for Uber is entry-level work, but I don’t think minimum wage is unreasonable for people who jump from ride to ride. After seeing the numbers, I totally understand why Uber drivers have been striking (I saw something about it on the news). After this experiment, I’ll definitely be a more generous tipper when I get into someone’s car. I really had no idea they were only making 2 or 3 bucks for a lot of these rides…and that doesn’t take gas usage into effect.
- Another thing I never thought about…man, a lot of drunk single women are getting into cars with strangers. One night, the thought really started going through my head. Like, is it safe? I mean, it’s pretty weird having a drunk stranger in your car like that. I have to say…you really do feel the responsibility of getting people home safely when they’re in that condition.
- The main takeaway was that I really enjoyed the experience. Honestly, I loved it. Meeting such different people in this way was pretty exciting. I picked individuals up from their fast food jobs…and others from palaces in the hills. I guess I’d never really thought about it, but Uber is a great equalizer. All types of people use it. And almost all of them opened up quickly when someone non-creepy showed a little curiosity. I think we all need human connections. I know I do. So, this really was a pleasure. If my body could handle it…and if I didn’t need work that actually provides reasonable pay…I’d probably do more of this. Anyway, hopefully some of you enjoyed reading this open diary from a week of driving people around. See you next month.
