Surreal Life
I’m sleeping very soundly these days because of two words…
Donald Trump.
Sure, for just a moment, I started to wonder if he’s actually a doctor at all.
But then I had a pep talk with myself. And it was really tremendous. You’ve never seen such a beautiful pep talk. Believe me, a lot of people are talking about it.
I asked myself a reasonable question…
Why should I care about a medical degree from some overpriced loser college?
In fact, what is a “doctor” really? Can’t anyone just buy one of those white coats at the store?
It’s far more impressive to have a natural gift for science and medicine.
And nobody…I mean, nobody…is as gifted as the host of Celebrity Apprentice.
Sure, it can get slightly confusing. We hate Hollywood people and our leader is…well, a television producer for Hollywood. But I just remind myself that details are as useless as minorities.
We, as winners, stay focused on what really matters:
That not just anyone gets to hang out with Gary Busey and Dennis Rodman on TV.
Who could possibly understand working, small-town people better than this man who owns a gold Manhattan tower?
Nobody.
At a time like this, we could all use a little perspective. So here it is from the top:
Stop thinking about your silly job.
Don’t focus on the dumb economy (other than when it’s up).
And, no matter what, ignore the weird flu that people keep crying about.
Look around.
Breathe it all in.
Most likely, you’ve never felt more happiness or confidence in the future.
THIS is living.
And if things weren’t exciting enough already, I just heard something juicy off the record…
This rumor comes from someone VERY high up the ladder (Scott Baio). Apparently we are extremely close to a vaccine now. According to my source, the country’s foremost expert is working in the lab as we speak. In fairness, he does need to take occasional breaks to film his My Pillow infomercials. But that’s pretty standard stuff.
The official statement from the White House is that “a lot of great things will be happening.”
So quit your childish whining about luxuries like food and toilet paper.
Focus on the great things that will be happening. Especially because there will be a lot of them. And that’s a direct quote.
I’ve heard some of you claim that an “unbalanced game show host with no qualifications” running our country is weird.
But it’s not.
And you know what else?
You’re weird.
See, the problem is that you focus on all the wrong things. You make jokes about my main man being a “grifter” who steals from charities. You poke fun at his struggles with challenging things like spelling and reading. But what about recognizing true greatness when it shows up at your doorstep?
See, the only thing Donald Trump knows how to do is kick ass.
And anything you hear to the contrary is fake.
In fact, that’s a great life lesson. Whenever you dislike something…just call it fake. Obviously, we know about the media. It’s clear that 100% of individuals who go to school for journalism are fake. But cats are pretty unlikable too, right? So I think we should call them fake. Also bologna sandwiches. Totally fake.
(Hopefully you’re starting to embrace this new-and-improved way of life as much as I am)
Now that we’re discussing it, why do hospitals need so many masks and ventilators for a flu like this?
Yup…sounds like the hospitals are probably fake too.
Now you’re getting it.
We need to do better, guys. And going forward, we need to stop with all the selfishness.
Especially our so-called “sweet” grandparents who’ve already had plenty of years here on earth.
Can you believe those old bastards would rather live their lives than think about the stock market?
(HOLY SHIT, what if our grandparents are fake too??)
When all of this is over, we should learn how to be more like our leader. And this step-by-step guide should help along the way:
- Always claim to be an expert at everything. Never been to Canada? Doesn’t matter. Pretend you know more about Canadians than anyone. Never cooked an omelette? Just say you’re better at it than Julia Child. Because that’s how winners think.
- Avoid having reasonable debates with anyone who dares disagree with you. If someone is disloyal enough to have their own opinion…publicly shame them. As loudly as possible. If possible, refer to them as a pig.
- When someone quotes you…even if they’ve literally recorded your words…respond by saying, “I never said that. And you’re nasty.” If all else fails, grab the person by the pussy and/or make fun of their ethnicity. Always remember that immigrants cause 100% of all problems.
- If you ever get intimidated by criticism, just remember your elementary school years and think “nuh-uh you are.”
(Example: If someone comments on your mental instability…call THEM crazy. It will catch them by surprise and impress all your friends) - Start having rallies. Because that isn’t weird at all. You’ll need to start small with family members and neighbors. Just remember that all that matters in the world is having people who praise you. The goal is to create a never-ending black hole of attention you need. One that can never be filled. It’s good to have hobbies and this is a noble one.
It’s great to share all of this wisdom. But I’m starting to worry about what we’ll do when it’s time for a new leader. Ideally, the world will end before then and we won’t have to worry about it. If society does continue, clearly politicians are the worst. It’s going to be important to clean that mess and find another real person we can trust. Hopefully we can get someone high-profile…maybe a Harvey Weinstein or Bill Cosby type? They both seem pretty no-nonsense. Just as long as it’s not a politician. It’s very important to find someone whose first government job will be President Of The United States.
All in all, March was tremendous. Even though this flu is a hoax, we’ll probably only lose 200,000 people from it. And that seems like a huge win. Wait…if most of those people are poor, did they ever even count as being alive?
In closing, all of this is true.
Also, Santa Claus is real and The Points Guy is a super trustworthy blog.
