Truth Serum
Dear Wounded Child In The Body Of A Grownup:
It’s not your fault.
Well, I mean, plenty of stuff that came later was totally your fault. But that’ll take years to unwrap. Y’know, in the unlikely event that you’re ever willing to look at it.
The point is this…
I understand why your head is such a mess. It’s what our brains do. Even the criminal who rapes a woman has a voice inside trying to justify his actions. Was she was dressed a certain way? See, the human brain can take a tiny grain of truth and twist it around like a very weird pretzel. Sure, she might’ve been dressed in seductive clothing. But here’s the thing about that fact…
Only a complete nutjob would use it as a justification for rape.
Crazy example, right? Very extreme. Clearly, you are not a sociopath. But I had to grab your attention. Because this main point is important. It needs to hit you right in the gut…
There’s a part of you that justifies everything you do.
All of it.
There’s a part of your brain that will always judge others by their actions. It’ll do this for the rest of your life. While judging you by your intentions.
Think of that as a flaw in our programming. Call it “bad wiring.” Do whatever you want with it. But whether you choose to see it or not is irrelevant…
It’ll be true regardless.
Your brain…and your own thoughts…will quite often be the worst enemy you encounter.
Most likely, you have some understanding of this fact.
But it’s around the edges.
In the margins.
With the pills you can swallow.
No, you’re not a rapist. Never will be. Not even in the same universe of being a monster. But does your brain operate in some nutjob-y ways too?
Abso-fucking-lutely.
Today, I’m offering you a chance to fast-forward through the years of therapy you desperately need. A kind of skip-the-line pass. Getting you straight to the finish line of all that work. I’ll put it on a shiny, silver platter. All you need to do is really allow it in. No tricks here. No hidden objective. I’ll cut right through all the years of bullshit. And what’s your job? Simple. Put your defenses down, allow a few moments of true vulnerability, and maybe feel some (healthy) discomfort.
That’s all it’ll cost. But, ultimately, the price will be too much to ask.
And it’s because of that part of your brain.
But we soldier on. In the hopes that, one day, this pill can be swallowed.
Look, I get it. Your discomfort armor is already starting to activate. Might be thinking about skipping this post and coming back in May for the usual witty banter. So, please feel free. This isn’t for everyone. As a matter of fact, it will only appeal to a very small minority. Because we build our lives around not getting too personal. We constantly protect ourselves from danger. So, I really do get it. For most people, a lifetime of programming is sounding the alarm right about now.
But maybe you’re the exception.
Maybe you feel intrigued…
If that’s the case, here’s a quick disclaimer about why this is such a longshot. Mainly because none of it will be sugarcoated. And that “sugar” tends to be a necessary evil. Have you ever wondered why therapy takes a bunch of years to work? No big secret. Same reason so many of us think we don’t need it. When push comes to shove, this pesky part of our brain doesn’t want to look at our shit. It doesn’t want to feel wrong about how it operates. Even with our most dysfunctional stuff. Which is why we need to be gently eased into it. Really think about how wild that is. A loud voice inside of you actually wants to be right about the shit that makes you feel bad about yourself. The stuff that makes you feel small. You know all that inner noise you dream of transcending? Well, it’s the exact same nonsense this part of your brain needs to hold onto. And, man, what a difficult thing to see. If you (somehow) grasped this paragraph and find yourself nodding your head right now? You’ve hit a level of honesty that most people never will.
Let’s take a trip back to when this seed first started growing…
As a teenager, I was abnormally curious about people. Myself, of course. But, really, all the people around me. Family…friends and neighbors…teachers at school…even random strangers. In short, I wanted to figure out why everyone was so fucking weird. No, not just the homeless guy muttering in the street. What about the rich dude in his convertible with all his strange tics? The confident lady with perfect makeup and designer clothes who needed to be so put together at every moment? All those friendly, awesome people around me who were capable of being so…different…in certain scenarios? Humans were a big mystery. And I was ready to play detective.
Eventually, I narrowed it down to specific questions. Like, why is it so difficult for our brains to be wrong? Sure, it’s easier with small things. But what happens with something significant? When emotion gets involved? Always the same old pattern. That quick, instinctive pushback. A resistance. I started seeing it everywhere. The more emotional a moment, the harder it is for a human to be wrong. Were there exceptions? Of course. So, I looked at them. And, underneath the bullshit, those “exceptions” were mostly just attempts to manipulate. Whether to gain someone’s approval. To appease them. A clever tactic that people use to gain something. Not maliciously. Just by instinct. I didn’t judge any of it. Just a kid detective trying to observe. Wanting to learn what the hell makes us so strange.
So, in high school, I started doing what I called “scientific experiments.”
I went around asking a simple question:
“When were you wrong?”
Took it seriously. Had a fresh notebook to track all the data. Certainly wasn’t a shy child, so talking to people was never an issue. Mostly, I just wanted to listen. Unfortunately, as a teenager, I had the focus of a squirrel. Lost myself in video games or whatever else for months at a time. It ended up taking years to finish the “scientific experiments.” Finally completed the surveys in my mid-20’s. The results were always so consistent. I had the answers I was looking for. And here’s what I learned:
Most people have a really hard time coming up with an answer. I mean, we’re all wrong thousands of times in our lives. But the majority of people struggled to think of a single example. When were you wrong? Such an easy question. The answers that did come were usually about small, insignificant things. Again, stuff without any emotion attached. I spoke to humans of all shapes and sizes. Various ages, races, and genders. People I loved. Absolute strangers. Everyone in between. And the responses were always in 3 categories.
Either:
A – struggled to come up with an answer,
B – insignificant stuff (easy to “forgive” oneself for),
or
C – something more interesting.
That final category? It got juicy. You could see it in their eyes and hear it in their voices. There was emotion attached. Leading to longer conversations. For the most part, it was still a ton of resistance. A “but” at the end. Which became its own category. The “I was wrong…but” people. They basically just took a longer road to not being able to answer. However, a small percentage of people went deeper. Seemed to have more self-awareness. More honesty. More…something. And, with these people, there was always a visceral sadness when speaking of being wrong. It’s what I found most significant. Just how sad they looked when speaking about it. Usually, they seemed to have “wronged” themselves the most. Meaning, they appeared to have paid the biggest price.
And that’s when clarity began to form.
The growth of something big…
Why do we find it so hard to embrace being wrong?
Because it makes us feel bad. It causes us pain. And we humans will go to great lengths to avoid feeling that.
At such a young age, this was a breakthrough.
I started observing more closely. The elaborate song and dance we all go through. How we create our personas. Developing our sense of self. Building these identities. Defining ourselves by an adjective or two. And at the root of this? A shared foundation built on avoiding pain. People would rather fall into destructive habits than really feel it. Will live a life in denial…rather than just dealing with that shit. Sure, we feel plenty of stuff. But from within our carefully constructed stories. Inside our own matrix of who we “are.” And what runs this whole show? The same damn part of our brain. The one that justifies everything we do. That one that doesn’t want to feel bad. What the hell is this mechanism? It seems to exist for one purpose – to “protect” ourselves from feeling our shit. So, if that requires dysfunction or dishonesty? No problemo.
Ok, ok, ok.
So, this is why people have such resistance to being wrong.
It always comes back to that same damn part of the brain. Behaving like an enemy. Wearing the costume of an ally.
Boom.
Now the floodgates were open…
It all made sense. It’s impossible to live in this society without falling into “The Big Lie.” Which is what I started calling it. From an early age, we learn the lesson. That the world (and people within it) can tell us our value. We relearn this on a daily basis. Seeing and hearing the message every single day of our lives. So, we believe it as fact. And you’ll see how that plays out in different ways. We all treat our value like a currency that can be increased. Based on our looks, money, success, good deeds, parenting, strength, character…or whatever your individual story is about.
That’s your big lie.
See, you will never actually be a “better person.” And, yes, I know you just experienced an inner reaction reading that sentence. It’s the same part of your brain trying to get loud again. Just be aware of that feeling. See, if you can be a “better person,” that also means you are currently a worse person. Which is exactly how this part of our brain operates. Eventually, we get to the end of our lives still believing it. On a constant search for ways to increase our value. In whatever currency we’ve been raised to use. Even those big, bad bully world leaders are terrified inside. But, of what specifically? Their own big lie. That being weak will make them small. And being “strong” will increase their worth. See, we all do the same dance in different ways. Wrestling with our own big lie. But the truth is this…
No magic pill will ever give you more value.
No reading of self-help books will get you there. Listening to wellness podcasts won’t change it. Behaving in confident (or humble) ways won’t make a difference. No amount of money, no size of house, and no speed of car will change it. None of the sex, love, or approval can help you earn it. There’s zero chance of burying it under any amount of alcohol, drugs, or food. Won’t hit a number of years of acting strong…or kind…that will affect it. Friendly or angry. Fat or skinny. Success or failure. That won’t make any difference. Your charitable acts will never buy it. And no line of people telling you how great (or terrible) you are can ever impact it. Maybe you’re a parent. Or feel alone in the world. None of that will change this.
Your value exists.
Because you exist.
The world (and your brain) are playing an obsessive game of pretend. On an endless loop. Win or lose, it will never make you matter more. Or less. That’s all just a made-up concept. An accepted insecurity that we pass down to each new generation.
A baby doesn’t rank itself against other babies. Better or worse. Superior and inferior. It’s all just noise we learn over time.
Deafening noise.
The big lie.
So, that’s when this puzzle came together. The pesky part of your brain? It doesn’t actually want to be wrong about the big lie.
It needs to believe it.
I want you to look all around you. In every direction. No matter what “type” of person you see, they’re battling with a feeling of smallness. A belief that their value is a currency which can be won or lost. The hottie who needs to stay attractive or else…the entrepreneur who needs to be successful or else…a need to be loved or else…a need to be strong or else…and on and on.
That part of your brain might be trying to say you had a great childhood. What a gift. But, yes, even you are at war with your big lie. Think about what matters most to you. Whether it’s your success or looks or parenting or whatever your “thing” is. Ok, now what happens if you suck at it? What happens to your sense of value and worth then? See, there’s a massive difference between caring deeply about something…and deluding yourself that your entire human value hinges on it.
The latter is a lie.
And the big lie impacts each and every one of us.
World leaders, the rich and famous, the poor and sad…none can exist in this society and be immune to it. Yes, you can absolutely behave in ways that are fulfilling and healthy. Ways that will have a positive impact on others. Of course, you can want love and success. But none of it will ever change your value. It’s not a currency that can be increased.
It’s already there.
Why do people go around chanting “I am enough” like some kind of mantra? Because they believe they’re not. Because of the big lie. The most important thing we can ever do for ourselves is actively search out where we are wrong. So we can develop that muscle. To be able to see that we’re wrong about a long list of things. Which is much harder than it sounds. Because of that part of our brain. But doing this will make it possible to see your biggest wrong. To see your story for what it is. To see your big lie. You don’t have value because of what you own, who you’re with, what you’ve accomplished, the people you’ve parented, the way you look, the approval you’ve gotten, or anything else. And you never lost any value for your failures. No matter what the world says. No matter what your brain says.
This is not something to earn.
Not something you can lose.
Your entire life is branches off this tree. It’s all an extension of this. Can you see your own personal big lie? This isn’t some new age hippie greeting card. It’s about honesty. About realizing you’re more than just the way you’ve been programmed since birth.
There’s just no way to be honest with yourself when you believe your big lie.
And the only thing in your way?
That same damn part of your brain.
It runs the show and always has.
Are you cool with that?
