Mile Nerd

Making A Connection

Friendship…

It’s a word that gets thrown around pretty loosely.

In ways that include a wide range of people.

From Facebook “pals” to the faces at work.   

But what about true friends…

How many humans really understand you? Or even care to try?

How many do you fully let in?

What’s the number of people you could tell everything to…

Or depend on in your lowest moment?

If we’re being honest with ourselves…for most of us, the list is short.

So…

Just how valuable is a true friend?

I’m really asking.

If you sat down to answer that question with actual words…

What might you say?

Because no measuring device exists for such things.

We can’t walk into a store and hand over money in exchange for a deep and genuine friendship.

So…

What is it worth to you?

This week, I lost one of the few true friends I have. Or, I guess, had. And, lately, I’ve gotten more and more reminders of how precious it is to have a real buddy in this world.

I bumped into Clint a decade ago. Randomly. Hadn’t seen him in years. But I snuck over, plopped down on the chair next to him, and smacked him on the back. Hard. He responded with a smile so big…and a hug so welcoming…that I immediately felt like a moron for losing touch.

What was wrong with me?
Well, I guess like people sometimes do…I just took a potentially great friendship for granted. Certainly wasn’t the first time.

We sat there for a while, eagerly catching up. Both pretty excited to see each other. But, as is often the case with men, the conversation didn’t stray beyond “regular” stuff. Y’know…the safe topics. Like jobs, relationships, and the latest in world events. A Batman sequel was in theaters and Manny Pacquiao was knocking opponents out in spectacular fashion. So we yammered on about that kind of crap. But it’s all just neanderthal for, “Hey man, I really missed seeing you.” Dudes don’t exactly look each other in the eyes and express gentle sentiments. We mutter that stuff in code.

Anyway…it was great to see the guy. As always, he seemed like the kind of person I could’ve been great friends with in another life. Or a less busy one. And, hey, maybe I’d run into him again in a few years.

Then, as we said goodbye, Clint invited me to a holiday party at his house that weekend.

Look, I always liked the dude. But I couldn’t even remember his wife’s name. A party at his house? Nah. I’m just not the type who knocks on someone’s door during the holiday season to hang out with a group of people I don’t know. But here’s the thing…Clint was that type. And, for a friendship to grow, someone has to be the person who initiates a first hangout. Otherwise, duds like me would just amass a collection of acquaintances forever.

So I went to the damn party. Begrudgingly.

And only because it was such a warm invite.

I knew this guy was friendly. But, man, as soon as I walked in the door…he was eager to pop the cork off the bottle in my hand. And not for the booze. It seemed genuinely important to him that we toast this occasion together. As he led me through the house, introducing me to friends and family, it dawned on me just how happy he was that I was there. It actually mattered to him. Oh, and after that first toast and hug, I’d never forget Parisa’s name again. She wasn’t as outgoing as Clint but was every bit as kind. Meanwhile, my brain was still trying to process how legitimately thrilled this dude was. I mean, I probably would have been at home in my underwear watching Turner & Hooch. Instead, I don’t think the smile left my face even once for hours. Honestly, the guy was as warm and welcoming as anyone I’d ever seen. He was just so giddy to share his house with the people he cared about. His cup was overflowing. And it made all of us feel high on life too.

I remember a long table with a mountain of food in his backyard. Plenty of grub for all of us. But, suddenly, Clint realized that nobody there had ever tried his favorite pizza joint. So he picked up the phone. And when the owner made it his last delivery of the night, Clint asked him to stay and join the party.

That’s the kind of person my friend was.

And, of course, the pizza guy stayed. There was simply no way to resist Clint’s enthusiasm and heart. I could tell you some happy stories about how we became close friends in the years following that night. All the backyard parties and laughter we shared. Or I could recite the heartbreaking tale of how his life changed instantly on one seemingly average day. But then I’d have to explain how hard it was to watch him lose the gift of good health. I’d need to remember how the most social, welcoming person I’ve ever known grew increasingly isolated. And then I’d probably start seeing images of a house that overflowed with such good times becoming a very quiet place.

So I don’t particularly feel like talking about any of that. Instead, what I want to say is this…

Clint was undoubtedly a better friend to me than I was to him. I only have a handful of true friends left in my life. But all of them were once strangers. So, if you have an acquaintance who you think might have true friend potential…

Maybe just see if they want to hang out sometime.

You never know. Something special might be around the corner.

Inbox Adventures

Have you ever read any of the messages in your spam folder?

If so, you’ve probably “inherited” millions of dollars too.

Ever wonder what would happen if you responded?

I decided to find out…

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From: BARRISTER JERRY MADUISE LAGOS-NIGERIA
Subject: STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL

Dear  Walia

I crave your indulgence as I contact you in such a surprising manner. I want you to bear in mind that this is not a hoax mail. But I respectfully insist you read this mail carefully as I am optimistic it will open door for unimaginable financial reward for both of us.

I am BARRISTER JERRY MADUISE,the personal attorney to late Patrick Walia a foreigner and an oil merchant here in Nigeria,herein shall be refered as my client. On the 21st of October, my clients were involved in a ghastly auto accident along Shagamu Express Road. Unfortunately,all occupants of the vehicle lost their lives,Since then I have made several enquiries to to locate my late client’s extended Relatives. After several unsuccessful attempts, I decided to track his last name over the Internet to locate any member of his family. I am contacting you about the money left behind by my late client before they get confisicated by the bank where this huge amount US5.5million is lodged.

The bank has issued me notice to provide the next of kin or have the account confiscated within 21 days. Since I have been unsuccesfull in locating the the relatives for over 4years now, I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin so this US5.5 million can be transferred into your account.
All I require is your honest co-operation and confidentiality to see this deal through,I guarantee that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.

Thanks and God Bless.
BARRISTER JERRY MADUISE

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Dear Barrister Maduise:

I have been craving the indulgence of your next non-hoax mail since the arrival of this message today. It shocks and amazes me that you knew Patrick Walia so well. Your client’s ghastly accident is sad indeed, but I am quite pleased about the 5.5 million dollars. It would be my greatest pleasure to meet you and collect this payment in cash. Can you arrange a flight for me? 

Thanks and God Bless,
Dr. Paul Walia, MD

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Walia
 
Thank you very much for your kind interest and willingness to support and assist me in this mutual business. All i need from you is your assistance to liberate this $5.5m out of Nigeria in order not to be considered unclaimed fund.
Actually this transaction is real and 100% risk free and does not Relate to any breach of law or proceed from drugs.

I hope you would not betray me,i must give you my trust. It is worth 50% commission of this fund,i believe.Like i stated in my proposal, i will like you to provide your bank details as follows,
1. YOUR FULL NAME AND ADDRESS.
2. YOUR BANK NAME.
3. BANK ADDRESS.
4. ACCOUNT NUMBER.
5. BENEFICIARY’S NAME.

As soon as i receive the above mentioned information i will put you in place as the next of kin to my late client. But if you are not comfortable to give out your personal account information to someone you dont know,should open a new bank account specifically for this transaction.

These process will be accomplished within 10 working days and the fund will be transferred into your bank account immediately. The very good thing about this transaction is that it will be done in a very proper and legal manner,

Most important thing,you should never disclose the nature of this business to any body even to your best friend because i dont want this business to be exposed. I am expecting your banking details as stated above so that I will submit it to the appropriate department for the processing in your favor and the transfer of the $5.5M into your account. The bank is only waiting for the account number where the US5.5million will be transferred into,I am waiting for the bank details immediately so that I will advise you on what to do next.
 
Thanks and God bless.
BARRISTER JERRY MADUISE

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dearest Jerry:

Your kindness in this matter has touched my heart in a deep way. As someone from the beautiful city of Africa, you might not be aware that US 5.5 Million is a great deal of money. It will prove very useful as I pursue my dreams of entering the sanitation industry. You seem trustworthy, so I have no problem sending all of my personal banking information. But, before doing so, I hope you can assist me in 2 areas:

• First, you mentioned not disclosing this to my best friend. But she and I are very close. Do you think it would be ok if she shared in this joyous occasion? Her name is Ivana Tinkle and I assure you she will keep this most fortunate news between the 3 of us.
• Second, I must respectfully ask if your 50% commission is negotiable. I very much need to clear US 3.7 Million from this venture. If you accept these terms, I am willing to make you a full partner in my upcoming business ventures. Please consider. I feel quite confident it will prove to be an even greater windfall than this US 5.5 Million transaction. 

Thank you once again for your beautiful words. I crave the indulgence of your next message.

Love and Blessings,
Dr. Paul Walia, MD

——————————————————————————————————————–

Paul Walia,

Thanks once again for your email,please if you know you trust your friend and that she can never fail you kindly let her know .

On the issue of percentage ,that will not be a problem you can take 55%  of the total sum but all i need is your full support and for you to comply with my instructions .

Please go ahead and furnish me with your bank information  and your tel numbers now iam waiting for your mail urgently.

Thanks
jerry

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Barrister Jerry:

I am overjoyed that the money will be coming soon. It is very hard for me to sleep at night. My days are spent imagining all the new things I can do with my life now. I plan to purchase many dream toys I have always wanted – like a gold pair of hiking boots and a pet leopard I will name Jerry (in your honor, of course). I have shared the news with Ivana Tinkle and she now also craves the indulgence of your messages. Before I furnish you with my information, please kindly remind me which bank details you need. Do you also need my debit card number and would it help to include the pin number? 

Lovingly Yours,
Dr. Paul Walia, MD

——————————————————————————————————————–

DEAR

I WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT I DO UNDERSTAND YOUR MAIL. I WANT TO TELL YOU THAT IF YOU KNOW YOU ARE WILLING TO DO THIS BUSINESS WITH ME ,KINDLY DO WHAT I TOLD YOU TO DO. FROM THE LOOK OF YOUR MAIL ,I NOW KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT READY TO ASSIST ME IN THIS PROJECT ,IF THAT IS TRUE PLEASE STOP PLAYING PRANKS AND TELL ME ,IAM NO LONGER A KID THAT YOU CAN BE TELLING KIDS STORY.

IAM A MAN OF MY WORD AND MY WORD IS MY BOND SO…………………………….

THANKS
JERRY

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear

I am truly sorry you misunderstood my letter. To be honest, I am simply having some doubts about this proposal. It almost seems like it might be too good to be true. Is it possible for you to send me a picture of yourself so that I can see who I am working with? It would make me feel so much better. I apologize for the inconvenience. Thank you for your understanding.

Deep Apologies,
Dr. Paul Walia, MD

——————————————————————————————————————–

DEAR WALIA,

IAM WRITING TO INFORM YOU THAT WHAT WE NEED IN THIS TRANSACTION IS TRUST ,IF YOU DO NOT TRUST ME ,HOW CAN WE DO BUSINESS IF IN DEED YOU WANT TO HELP ME IN THIS PROJECT ,KINDLY FURNISH ME WITH YOUR BANK DETAILS AS I INSTRUCTED YOU IN MY LAST EMAIL. NOW OPEN A NEW BANK ACCOUNT AND SEND IT TO ME OK

AND REMEMBER TO SEND YOUR TEL NUMBERS SO THAT I CAN CALL YOU .

I ENCLOSE MY IDENTITY TO TELL OF MY HONESTY .

THANKS
JERRY

——————————————————————————————————————–

DEAR WALIA,

I DID NOT HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN ,PLEASE UPDATE ME IF YOU ARE STILL INTERESTED OR NOT .

JERRY

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear Barrister Jerry:

First of all, I would like to comment on the fact that you are an extremely handsome man. Please understand that I don’t mean it in a sexual way. Although, that possibility may exist if we ever find ourselves together in the city of Africa. Regardless, you definitely look trustworthy. Most importantly, you have a kind face and an honest heart. Thank you for providing your barrister certification letter. It is clearly the most official of all documentation. Ivana Tinkle and I are impressed with your achievements. Please remind me again which banking information you need. I have photocopied my American Express card for your convenience as well. I will include it in our next communication. We are ready to complete this transaction in the next 72 hours. This is very exciting.

Love and Blessings,
Paul, MD

——————————————————————————————————————–

Dear walia,

Please forget about this transaction ok

Thanks
Jerry

——————————————————————————————————————–

Jerry, it was fun. Take it easy on the scams, ok?

P.S. Do you still need my bank information?

Days Of Yore

The year is 1992.

My trusty Indiglo watch reads, “2:30 AM.”

Ugh. I silence the Pittsburgh Steelers alarm clock, roll out of bed, and rub my groggy teenage eyes. It’s that time of night again already? Oh well. Just a couple of minutes and I’ll be back under the blanket. I stumble my way to the kitchen, grab my mid-sleep protein shake, and gulp it down.

Inconvenient? Of course.
Disgusting? Hell yeah.

But here was the reality of my situation:

1. I was 6 feet tall. That’s basically Shaq height for a brown kid.
2. I weighed a whopping 140 pounds.

Not an ideal combination. There should have been a sign over my 16 year-old head saying:
“Beware – Heavy winds will knock him over.”

Every night, I staggered out of bed to chug those extra calories. During the day, I ate everything in sight. I stuffed more food into my mouth than Russell Crowe at a Vegas buffet. But, no matter what I did…I just couldn’t put on weight.

Not a single pound.

Editor’s Note:
All these years later (in a cruel twist of fate), I can now drink one beer and wake up fat the next morning.

So, why such a desperate need to gain weight in high school? What was my deal?

Well, this might be hard to believe but…

Girls weren’t exactly knocking on my door for dates. Weird, right? Apparently, having zero muscles and a face that was 98% nose wasn’t a recipe for dating success. Specifically…

I had tons of girl friends. Maybe more than anyone in school. But I had no girlfriends. See the significant difference?

Every night, I spent hours on the phone with my long list of female pals. I was the kid who made them laugh. The safe and dependable shoulder to cry on. When the boys they actually wanted to sleep with were being mean…I was available via my sensitive nerd hotline. Open for calls 24/7.  

Sure, I knew how to be a good friend. That was easy. But why wasn’t there a course on how to move beyond that? It was SUCH an unsolvable mystery. I wished that someone…anyone…could see me as more than just a friend. But no such luck. I was a walking, talking stereotype – the nonthreatening sidekick. Everyone was out of my league. And, in my teenage brain, I figured the answer was to put on a few pounds.  

Who needed sleep anyway?

As the stereotypical friend zone nerd, I drove the prettiest girl in town (Kelley) to school each morning. Obviously, I was happy to do it. And, clearly, I never made my feelings known. As you can imagine, I was crazy about her. She was the head cheerleader and, of course, dated the quarterback of the football team. Kelley was a morning person who always seemed to bounce into the car mid-conversation. Sometimes she’d share secrets that nobody else knew. Not even her boyfriend. But it was hard to focus on specific words. If she got excited about a topic, she would enthusiastically touch my arm to make her point. And, yup, that was the highlight of my day.

I. Was. Pathetic.

Worst of all, I knew it. I had so much inside to give. But nobody else could see it. And it appeared that nobody ever would. Maybe I was destined to be the guy who plays video games alone while eating Cheetos and listening to R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts.”

Well, life is a funny thing. As we all know, it can be surprising. College was a very different kind of experience. Maybe it’s because I filled out…maybe I just grew into my nose…or, against all odds, maybe I started gathering the first crumbs of self-confidence. But, little by little, I started feeling like less of a freak. And…whatever it was…that led to a different type of attention from girls. What started with free drinks from a pretty young waitress…turned into sorority girls initiating conversations with me at parties…and it grew from there. My social life was becoming active. Even (gasp) Kelley wanted to date me. Over the years, there have been so many moments that would have put the 16 year-old me into a coma. I’ve been seduced in the middle of a class, have been invited to join the Mile High Club by an attractive seat neighbor, and have been pursued by a Playboy centerfold. And then some.

Now, let me be very clear. My intention isn’t to brag. I’m an average looking guy and never became anything close to the musclebound Adonis I tried to be in high school. The truth is this…

For years after high school…I was utterly confused whenever a girl was interested in me.

Every.

Single.

Time.

The first night I had sex, my brain went into full-on malfunction. It couldn’t comprehend what was happening. I kept thinking, “Wait, I’m the sidekick funny guy. She should be talking to me about the person she’s actually interested in. What the hell is this lunacy?”

But life moves on.

Over time, the new normal became a lot more…expected. Women no longer seemed unattainable. And I forgot all about the 16 year-old me. What happened to that boy who would’ve done anything just for a girl to have a crush on him? Well, he grew up.

So what I’d like to say to my fellow straight dudes this month is as follows…

We all just kind of move along in our routines, don’t we? And, along the way, it becomes the norm to have someone by our side. But, guys…

It’s been a challenging year. If you have your health AND someone who cares about you in your life…that’s a hell of a thing right now. Sure, you might not be thrilled with your relationship. You might not be sure it’ll last your whole life. But…if you do have someone by your side right now…maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to make her feel special this Valentine’s Day.

I know, I know…it’s a commercial holiday. And, yeah, you’re a nice guy all year long. But, my dudes, somewhere inside is that awkward teenage version of you. A kid who would’ve done…well, anything…to have someone special wanting to hang out with him every day.

So if you do have someone in your life…

Why not let the kid out this month?

Let him go a little over the top.

Just a thought.

My Twenty-One Resolutions For ‘21

• Stop being wishy-washy. Or maybe not.

• Avoid murderous thoughts when coworkers start each Zoom meeting with:
  “So…is everyone wearing pants?”

• Kick ass and take names. And by that I mean…
  Quit falling on my ass and forgetting people’s names.

• Fight against laziness.
  No matter what, never become the guy who writes “K” in place of “OK.”

• Be more socially active.
  (Hug one human this year without screaming, “The plague!”)

• Rember to do a speelcheck before posting anyting.

• Quit being so passive aggressive. Unlike some people I know.

• Ok, THIS is the year I start eating bett…

• Sorry, had to make a quick call.
  As I was saying, THIS is the year I start eating better quality cheese.

• Don’t sweat the small stuff.
  BUT SERIOUSLY…HOW HARD IS IT TO WRITE “OK” FOR FUCK’S SAKE???

• Find inner peace.

• Never become the guy who puts a random and awkward “LOL” at the end of serious sentences.

• Fully embrace the aging process.
  Sure, I’ve reached the tweeze-hair-out-of-my-ears chapter of life. And it’s super depressing. LOL

• At some point in the next few weeks, I think it’s time to stop procrastinating.

• End all of this obsessive thinking! It’s easy. Just do everything in moderation.
  But wait, if I do moderation in moderation…doesn’t that mean all the moderation gets cancelled out? Or no? Fuck.

• WHY CAN’T THEY JUST SPELL OUT “OK”??? IT’S A TWO-LETTER WORD!!!

• Find professional help for the inner peace thing.

• Stop the blame game. And hold myself accountable for my problems. Even though it’s all the government’s fault.

• Only spend time on meaningful pursuits. Like February’s post about the world’s Top 10 best cheeses.

• Tone down the sarcasm this year. Yeah, sure, like that’ll happen.

On a serious note, I truly wish you, me, and everybody else a hell of a lot more joy in 2021. We deserve it. Happy new year, nerds!

Happy Face

2 years ago, I retired from being MileNerd.

It was a big part of my life for almost a decade. I stumbled out of bed every morning to an inbox overflowing with questions, comments, and contributions. Almost all of them made me smile in some way. There was an endless back and forth with readers – a constant stream of chatter about miles and points. And then at night, I wrote.

Year after year…life continued that way.

I didn’t make any attempts to “grow” or really even mention the blog  – so how did people show up? What were they looking for? Also…why the hell was I living like that? But there was no time for analysis. I had to keep chugging along.

Well, it’s been two chug-free years now. The ride has long since come to an end. And there’s one HUGE difference in my post-retirement life…

All of the quiet space that had been filled with sound for so long.

Almost like I used to live in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then relocated to a local knitting club.

Or like I walked straight from a Star Wars screening into a ballet.

Have you ever been jammed under one roof with your entire crazy family for the holidays? If so, you probably know about that last day when it’s all over and the madness suddenly ends.

It gets quiet, right?

Well, this craziness was 8 years long. And the silence was deafening for a while. Logically, I know there are more of you reading than ever. But it wasn’t about any of that. A ride did come to an end. My miles and points blogging life lasted for a long time. So, yeah, it was tough at first. As you may have heard…change is hard.

I missed (and sometimes still miss) those days.

For years, there was a hard-to-describe feeling…the daily connection to thousands of “friends.” Plus the 100+ emails each morning that felt like an ongoing conversation. Whether we were actually friends or not, it all felt like friendship. The noise and madness was a regular part of my day.

Until it wasn’t.

What I really want to express in this last post of the year is as follows…

I know a bunch of you are struggling in a variety of ways right now. No question about it…2020 has thrown some uppercuts. But you don’t have to lose your job, home, or a loved one to “qualify” for sadness. Sometimes it just comes out of change.

And this year has been anything but routine.

(Shit, I felt sad last January just from typing less on the internet to people I’ve never met)

We hang on to lessons from our youth, don’t we? Like the concept of obsessively trying to “put on a happy face.” Apparently, we were all raised to be circus clowns who need to paint a smile mask on no matter the situation. It sounds ridiculous, right? But newsflash – we humans are often ridiculous. We’re messy. So we cling to old ideas from another time – even when they no longer make sense. As “grownups,” we only deem a handful of emotions to be acceptable. Anger about current events is allowed. But, man, are we perplexed by our own pain. When we become adults, it gets incredibly hard to tell another person, “I feel sad.”  

So we bury.

Pretty impressive how well we’ve mastered the art of shoving all that crap inside. Why deal with any pain now when we can let it seep out in a variety of unhealthy ways later – Ulcer? Insomnia? Booze? All acceptable. But just looking another human in the eye and saying you feel unhappy? That’s crazy town.

Unless life completely falls apart, real men and women know that it’s shameful to admit sadness.

In fact, we are required by law to let it fester and grow into something worse inside us.

Guys, 2020 was a motherfucker. Even for those who are still healthy and employed. So maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to allow yourself to feel sad sometimes. And to…gasp…actually allow other humans in to see it. Because here’s the simple reality…

If your “compassion” doesn’t extend to yourself, then you haven’t actually figured out what compassion is.

It’s not like you could smash yourself out of anxiety with brute force even if you tried. That’s not how we’re wired. We have to feel it to get through it. So don’t judge yourself for being human right now. Acknowledge the feelings and let them pass through you.

What’s the worst that could happen…

…someone might actually see past your mask?