Mile Nerd

Big Week

Hey, have you heard the news? Apparently, Tuesday is a pretty important day.

Disclaimer:
This is a quick post for those who are voting for the host of Celebrity Apprentice to run the country.

Disclaimer #2:
Relax. Lower your defensive walls and put down your spears. It’s just me. I’ll always be fair. Which is something we could all use more of after the last few surreal years.  

Disclaimer #3:
This post is not intended for full-on cult members who view Donald as the bulletproof lovechild of Wonder Woman and Aquaman. It’s not for those who believe Trump burps rainbows and farts pixie dust. No…I’m speaking to you guys who know he’s a mess and are still planning to vote for him anyway.

Disclaimer #4:
I’m completely aware that there’s a 0% chance of me changing your vote. Please understand that that isn’t my goal at all. I just want to talk in a reasonable way to some reasonable people for a few minutes about this shitshow. Nothing more.

(Ok, we can start now)

Dear Trump voters who don’t have mental problems:

You and I actually agree about something related to this “presidency” and it’s pretty significant…

You shouldn’t be lumped into the same box as his cult members. Those types of sloppy generalizations are part of how we got here in the first place. But let’s be real. Many of you do have clear biases in certain situations. And it’s fine to admit that. You won’t turn to dust for being more self-aware. Obviously, one of the most common generalizations in our society is that politicians are scum. It’s a wide blanket statement. Much like seeing all cops one way, all Muslims, all men, all women, all of the media, all protestors, or all Republicans.

Where does a road of hyper-generalizing things in such black and white ways take us?

I believe this current path will lead us to more intolerance. Which is (obviously) bad. Dumbing down our thinking is not taking us to a better America. So let’s really play it out. What happens if we perceive the generalization about politicians as truth…day after day…and year after year? Maybe we’ll eventually see every human who builds a career in politics as a liar and crook. Maybe some of you are there already. Hey, at this rate, maybe we can have a future where we distrust all politicians, all media, all cops, and all people who seem different than us. That seems like a good recipe to make America great again, right?

Sure, you might not make immature generalizations like your President does on a daily basis. And I’m pretty sure his act is wearing thin for some of you Trump voters. Maybe it’s starting to scare you to see just how easily we humans can create beliefs about entire groups? Or maybe the angry mob mentality coming out of his ignorance-spreading rallies is getting a bit uncomfortable? Hey, I don’t know. I’m just asking. But if we keep stuffing everyone of the same “type” into one big box…how will this shitshow get any better?

I still remember the time before Donald Trump entered politics.

(Apparently, it was only 4 years ago and not 400)

Back then, the man was as famous for being a scam artist as he was for anything else. There wasn’t much confusion about the kind of scumbag he was. It was pretty universally known. Until he pretended to be a Republican and decided to enter politics, that is. And the current scam is clearly his biggest. As an observer of human behavior, it’s fascinating to watch. The way he takes advantage of America’s intellectual laziness is quite a magic trick. This dude can tell a blatant lie that no other President could have ever escaped from…and then just completely distract his way out of it within a day. He does this same magic trick week after week. But what’s most amazing is how he pulls off these escapes. Without using logic or intelligence…he can get out of his jams armed with nothing but nonsensical rambling. It’s incredible.

The key to his White House grift is complete mastery over the art of generalizing. No matter what trouble he gets into or who he wrongs…he can just generalize his ass off about a group of “radical” or “terrible” people from another state, country, or political party. And…like magic…our attention moves wherever he wants it to go. If he has nothing to brag about, he can just use the words “tremendous” and “amazing” repeatedly. And millions of people will still buy it. In fact, the most fascinating show of the last 4 years hasn’t even been Donald Trump. It’s been watching all the hordes of people who truly have no clue they’re getting manipulated by a dumbass.

Yesterday, my jaw hit the floor as he scared thousands of people by telling them what would happen if he lost – and the scary tale was literally just a description of what was happening already with him in charge. Somehow it still worked. This man is Houdini.

(Well, more like Houdini’s dim-witted brother who just pulls lint out of a hat as people go wild)

Guys, it ain’t hard to be a cult leader. All you need to do is follow these 3 steps:

1. Observe what a group of people desperately want – and what they’re afraid of.
2. Convince them that you’ll give them the good – and stop the bad from happening.
3. Gain their trust (which is incredibly easy to do once the first two steps are done).

That’s it.

After the 3 steps are complete…feel free to do whatever the fuck you want to do to your cult members. Because they’ll no longer have ownership of their thoughts. And the best part? They won’t even notice it. Many of them will actually react with anger if someone dares to tell them they’re in a cult. The truth will feel like an attack. Some of your cult members will more have more loyalty to you than to their own well-being.

Is there anything that could get Trump’s cult to turn on him? Doubtful. I think he could probably be cheered for any words that come out of his mouth as long as he says them aggressively. But I am curious how much lower he can take this. Is there a bottom? At this point, could he go on a rampage against the “evil” and “terrible” oxygen we breathe and still get a standing ovation?

I know you didn’t fall for his bullshit in the way his cult members did. But…respectfully…we do live in this surreal TrumpWorld partly because of your vote. And it’s a world where truth and integrity have taken a major beating. I know you vote Republican for reasons that have nothing to do with Donald Trump. And I get that. But, guys, there’s more to this than just politics and policy. Think back to any job you’ve ever had. If an absolute scumbag and cheat was put in charge to run the place…wouldn’t the fallout be very significant in your workplace? If that repulsive boss dealt with office problems by pouring gasoline on every fire on a daily basis…wouldn’t the tension and hostility grow in a big way there?

Pretty simple. If a total piece of garbage is put in charge of any organization, terrible shit will happen within it.

Look, I know people can be weird about politics. It becomes part of their identity. I do get that. I’m not going to change your mind and don’t expect to. But just look at any cult. It’s never easy for anyone to admit they were tricked by a moron.

So I’ll just close with this…

If you are voting for Donald Trump, please don’t mimic his disgusting behavior. And I really hope you won’t normalize it. Don’t put people who have legitimate issues with that man into one simplistic box in your head. Because a lot of them aren’t even Democrats. There are plenty of us who know the Democratic party is a mess too. We’re not attached to either of those teams. But we simply can’t support the kind of disgusting man who is beloved by the fucking Ku Klux Klan. This is not politics as usual, guys. You’re voting for a man whose name is used as the inspiration for hate crimes. A hero for white supremacist groups. This really isn’t normal. And it certainly doesn’t mean that Joe Biden is amazing. Or that he will even be above average on the job. But Donald Trump is a very different level of scumbag. If you honestly can’t see that at this point…it means you’ve built a thick fortress of delusion to hide behind. This is about more than just policy.

If you always vote Republican no matter what…really look at the cause and effect here. You are making a choice. You are voting for this level of indecency on a daily basis for the next 4 years. As well as all of the fallout that will come from it. You are using your voice to say, “I’m ok with that.” And the effect is this…more people will generalize that “Republicans” stand for the things that Donald Trump stands for. And for good reason. Because so many of them are selling out for this. For a disgusting grifter who fans the flames of hatred as a lifestyle choice. I’ve been watching so many of my friends who identify as Republican. As a non-political person, I’ve been hoping for more of them to say they are not ok with this shitshow and cannot give their vote to it. But I’ve been waiting for 4 years now. I doubt I’ll ever identify as Democrat or Republican for the rest of my life. But I’ve never been so eager to vote against someone.

And I can’t believe you’re still standing by this man.

Adulting 101

Recently, a reader named Shawn asked me to share some tips for graduating young men as they enter adulthood next year. Keep in mind, I am no expert on any subject at all and spend most of my days confused by the world around me. But, young Shawn, this is for you and your fraternity brothers as you graduate and become men…

1. Honesty is always the answer.
   (except when answering, “Does this make me look fat?”)
2. You are…and will always be…a work in progress.
3. No short-sleeve dress shirts. Ever.
4. Your word will either mean something or it won’t. Time to decide.
5. Learn how to deliver a great joke. Tell it carefully to make sure you haven’t any words out.
6. When smart people criticize you…allow yourself to hear them (even when it stings).
7. There is never a good reason to smoke a cigarette.
8. (A joint is different)
9. Do you really want to be the guy who makes people wait for you to back into a parking space?
10. Invest in a very comfortable pair of shoes.
11. If she takes a few days to text you back but checks her phone every 5 minutes when you’re together…she’s trying to tell you something.
12. Money can make your life so much easier.
    Just remember that none of the big answers will ever be found in your bank account.
13. It can only be great sex if she feels that way about it too.
14. Make 2 lists:
    First, write down the names of anyone you could depend on in a jam.
    Next, list the people 100% willing to talk to you about anything at all.
    If any names show up on both lists…that’s who matters most.
15. Never, ever wear a gold chain.
16. (Silver is just as bad)
17. Learn how to make a great mixed drink and a killer omelette. Serve separately.
18. Allow someone to bully you once and get used to people doing it for the rest of your life.
19. Don’t settle for a bad mattress.
20. Dance like nobody is watching.
    (Unless you do the white man overbite. In that case, please disregard)
21. Tattoos = a clear sign that you don’t know how to express yourself yet.
22. Sure, you can send an email in anger.
    You can also punch yourself in the face.
    Why do either?
23. The very moment your pants stop fitting…that’s when the fast food era in your life is over.
24. Hate in your heart will consume you.
    Also, love in your heart will consume you.
    Choose wisely.
25. Tip the Uber driver who made 3 bucks lugging you around.
26. For the love of God, learn the difference between “your” and “you’re.”
27. Take some big swings. Nobody reaches the end of their life and says:
    “Damn I’m glad I played it so safe.”
28. You can be the dude who burps the alphabet at parties or you can get laid. It’s one or the other.
29. Bad haircut? Shame on them.
    Walk back into the same barbershop next month? Shame on you.
30. It’s incredibly easy to end a friendship. Be careful not to get too good at it.
31. Before talking politics with someone who can’t find a single flaw on “their side,” see if your dentist can squeeze you in for a root canal. It will be more fun.
32. Never date a girl who pays her rent in $1 bills.
33. When someone shows you who they are…BELIEVE THEM.
    (this will be surprisingly hard to do)
34. Avoid paying retail for anything over $100.
35. Real men say sorry when they’re wrong and don’t apologize for being right.
36. If you have loving parents, hold on tight to them for as long as you can.
    If you have pig parents, cut them (and your anger) loose.
37. If you are still an annoying, angry, or weepy drunk…STOP DRINKING.
38. Without kindness and a sense of humor, you might as well be a plant.
39. Be willing to put yourself out there and then dare to suck.
    (most adults are terrified by the mere thought of it)
40. No ribs on a first date. Or spaghetti.
41. Weak people often define themselves as “nice.”
    Assholes tend to see themselves as “strong.”
    Be very, very honest when you look in the mirror.
42. Typing a tweet does not qualify as taking a stand.
43. Try as you might…you’ll never fully realize what you had until it’s gone.
    (whether love, money, or a roll of toilet paper)
44. Michael Jordan is the greatest of all time. Also, water is wet.
    No need to waste time debating either.
45. Your career is important. But it shouldn’t cost you your mental health.
46. When you consider doing something that crosses the line, take a second and remember what a courtroom is. Ask yourself the following question:
    “Do I really want to put my life in the hands of 12 people who were too dumb to get out of jury duty?”
47. Never let a year go by without buying your girlfriend a surprise gift. It doesn’t have to be expensive. Just unexpected.
48. Have less wishbone and more backbone.
49. It’s a fine line between being the fun guy at work who wears quirky ties…and becoming a circus clown. Beware of the line.
50. “Never trust anyone” is terrible advice. It’s a recipe for an empty life.
    Keep your eyes alert but your heart open.
51. Become a great negotiator. That means connecting to people as human beings and not looking at them as “customer service.”
52. The prerequisite for having a great life is knowing that you deserve one.
53. You can be grateful for everything or nothing. It’s totally up to you.
    (But your relationship with that one emotion will dictate everything)

Burst Pipes

What was your mom and dad’s relationship like?

Actually, hold on.

What I’m really asking is this…

Did their relationship have an impact on who you grew up to be?

(Obviously, the answer is “hell yes”)

In the unlikely event that anyone answered “no,” it means they are either:
A) Little orphan Annie,
B) A robot pretending to be human.
or
C) Lying to themselves,

We…the non-robots…all come from somewhere. The relationship (or lack thereof) between your parents was a big part of what shaped you. And, of course, the same goes for me. I’m actually the product of an arranged marriage. It’s a little tidbit that used to pop up in conversations sometimes. Y’know, back in the days when we actually had gatherings and interacted with people.

A random dude at a party (also known as “a rando”) once told me a story about his parents. Then he asked a question about mine. Which led to the following exchange:

ME
My parents actually had an arranged marriage. In fact, they only went on one “date” before their w—

RANDO
Ha, that’s crazy! But I bet it still worked out pretty well for them, right?

ME
Well, th—

RANDO
Wait, can you do their accent? I have an Indian buddy and it’s HILARIOUS when he imitates his dad!

(That’s a true story, by the way)

(Miraculously, my brain didn’t melt afterwards)

But, yeah, we do all come from somewhere.

Whether we dwell on it or not, our past is always with us. We store a huge collection of home movies inside our brains, don’t we? It comes with us everywhere we go. Some images get fuzzy over time. But other moments stay crystal clear forever…

My earliest memory is sitting outside the bathroom door listening to my mom cry. I remember clutching my little blanket under one arm…and holding my best friend (a teddy bear) under the other. His name was Nunu. Even though he was freaky looking with a missing eye…he was good at keeping me safe. My deformed best friend and I sat outside that door for what felt like forever. I tried to reach the knob once or twice. But mostly I just sat there. I was desperate for my mom to come out so I could hand her my bear and he could make her happy.

In the years that followed, my little kid brain spent a lot of energy trying to make sense of my parents’ relationship…

• Why couldn’t my dad just be nice to her?
• Why did she act one way with everyone else but get so different around him?
• Was it even possible for adults to be happy?

I figured something must happen to people when they grow up and I just didn’t understand it yet.

Over time, kids start to gather more information about their parents. So I tried my best to assemble the puzzle pieces. I knew that my mom grew up in a loving family. She was shy and bookish – her formative years were filled with lots of reading and traveling. Including a nice 2-year stretch in Paris along the way. Her sister was a bit of a bully…but, other than that, she had a great childhood.

My dad? Well, he was more complicated. Apparently, when your family is slaughtered and you’re seen as some kind of outsider by the people who raise you…it’s not exactly a recipe for happiness. There were only a couple of pictures of him as a boy. But, even then, my dad looked like he held the weight of the world on his shoulders. Even when forcing a little smile, those eyes were always so sad. Like there was an empty hole inside that he didn’t know how to fill.

But life moves on whether the skies are cloudy or clear…

It was time for my mom to get married. She was about to turn 20. A former neighbor contacted her parents to see if there was any interest in a certain sad-eyed 25-year-old with a good head of hair.

(In reality, he was 29. They were eager for him to start his life – and needed the cash infusion that a dowry would bring – so they fudged his age)

And, with that, the one and only “date” my parents ever went on was set. But my mom didn’t actually know it was a date. The families met for lunch and the two singles were given seats next to each other. The bookish girl only looked up from her cup of chai a few times. And, well, the sad-eyed man wasn’t much of a talker.

After the “date” was over, the girl grabbed her favorite book as her parents sat down next to her. They eagerly asked what she thought of the boy from lunch…

“You mean that man?”

When they brought up the subject of marriage, a lifetime of shyness was all she had in her holster. So, soon after that, 2 quiet people without much interest in a wedding (or each other) became an instant-brew family.

I imagine a few of you have been in relationships with a significant other who didn’t respect you. Or maybe vice versa. Well, for the next 40 years, that’s the type of marriage my parents had.

A couple of winters ago, a pipe burst in their home. It became a mold issue that forced them into a hotel room for an extended stay. Their relationship had survived a long time in the roominess of a big house…but squeezing them into a single room was too much to ask.

When the pipe burst, my parents’ marriage burst along with it.

(I honestly believe it’s the best thing that ever happened to both of them)

Do they realize that yet? Of course not.

But they finally get to choose a life. To figure out what they want. Not just have something assigned to them. Better late than never.

Remember how I asked if your parents’ relationship impacted who you became? Well here’s my answer to that question…

I learned an important lesson from my mom and dad. Something I see in so many people each day. It’s that almost everyone’s sadness is rooted in the same basic belief:

“I am not enough.”

Man, it’s such a simple sentence. But those 4 words spread like wildfire through our brains and eventually take over our lives.

Just look around…

• From the awkward girl too scared to speak to any of the “cool kids” at school…
• To the arrogant millionaire who’d feel like a “loser” without his Porsche…
• To the pretty lady who believes the only thing special about her is her body…
• To the boy without a family who thinks nobody could ever love him…
• To the wife who spent her 20s, 30s, 40s, and 50s waiting for approval…
• And on and on.

It’s everywhere, guys.

The concept of “I am not enough” is burned into our heads from an early age. We all buy into it. From the sheepish to the polished to the cocky. Every race, gender, and religion. We all scurry around trying to prove our worth in a bunch of weird and different ways. So, what I learned from my parents’ relationship is this…

We hold onto old beliefs and insecurities simply because we’re so used to doing it.

(And maybe we actually need a pipe or two to burst along the way)

The Way We Were

Dear Young Readers:

This one’s for you.

It recently occurred to me that this is the only world you’ve ever known. “Your world” is one in which recessions come around every few years, nobody likes anything, and pandemics turn life upside down. Wow…so you’ve never lived in an amazing time, huh?

I honestly feel for you.

Your era kind of sucks.

Ok, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m taking you on a trip back to the 1980s. That’s when I grew up and it was a very special time. Nothing was strange about it at all. And maybe experiencing a taste of a normal decade will help you navigate these tough times.

Relax and enjoy this trip back to a simpler time…

Long before nonstop selfies entered the world, we used to pose for pictures the old fashioned way – like it was a special event. Film was expensive in those days. It was critical to always give our most impressive pose. So, as you can imagine, we all became quite good in front of a camera.

Mastering solo pictures was a great skill to develop, but the ‘80s was a time when love could really shine. We eagerly shared the lens with a new flame whenever romance entered our lives. And those photo shoots had a tendency to get pretty steamy.

Long before the current technological boom, our world was already starting to change at lightning speed. The ‘80s brought on the dawn of the video game era. And it was impossible to find a child or adult who could walk away from a screen this captivating:

Speaking of screens, there was no shortage of entertainment options available on television. And boy did we love to laugh in those days. Particularly at comedies set in the Korean War. I often wondered…is there anything more amusing than a wartime sitcom?

Well, maybe one thing…
Clearly, writers were striving for new heights in the ‘80s. And they finally reached the peak of their storytelling mountaintop with a show about a furry space alien living in the suburbs. We sat on the edge of our seats each week to see if that quirky alien would finally eat the family cat.

No, I’m not sure how cats became a delicacy on other planets. And…no…I don’t remember why the space alien had a Brooklyn accent. But, back then, we didn’t feel the need to ask such questions. We just lived.

For some unknown reason (likely an issue with the machinery of the time), we were never able to find clothing that fit properly in the ‘80s. Every outfit was either a few sizes too small or made to fit a linebacker. Thankfully, we were expert problem-solvers back then. We simply introduced a distracting amount of pastels and fluorescents into our wardrobes. After that, nobody even noticed that everything we owned was ill-fitting.

The one material that did come properly-sized was denim. And, as you probably already know, we believed in dressing for success in the ‘80s. So we had a very strict rule when it came to denim – wearing as much of it on our bodies as possible at any given moment.

Recently, I heard someone from your generation refer to the hottest fads of the ‘80s as being, “Random as shit.” Frankly, that’s a bit harsh. And it’s also very inaccurate. We were ahead of the curve. While previous generations set unrealistic standards for beauty, our most popular doll looked like a middle-aged DMV worker from Ohio.

Guys, it was a more innocent time. The air was fresh…the streets were clean…and we had no reason to find it unusual that grown men were hanging out in parking lots with high school students after midnight.

Back then, we didn’t spend our days worrying. We respected simplicity. While your generation would likely panic about the widespread addiction to drugs that was overwhelming our streets…we didn’t sweat the small stuff. We knew it could all be solved if we just smiled and said, “No.”

Fitness was a major priority in our lives. Have you noticed that people were much skinnier in those days? Well, that’s why we tend to scoff at your vegan, gluten-free whatever you call it. We’ve already mastered physical fitness. Just look at any picture from that era. See that cloud of cigarette smoke floating around us constantly throughout the entire decade? It’s because we didn’t wage war against smoking. In fact, we encouraged it at restaurants and even on airplanes. You know what else happened inside our constant cloud of smoke? Less obesity.

Sure, I guess your precious cell phones can be helpful. Without them, we did always wander around in a state of confusion for a few minutes whenever meeting friends anywhere. And asking strangers for directions was just a regular part of our day. But the flip side is that we learned how to interact with (and trust) our fellow man. We didn’t need “Uber” to find us a ride from a stranger. We just threw our thumbs in the air and almost always survived the journey.

Youngsters today seem to think they invented words like “gender fluid” and “androgynous.” Well perhaps you’ve never heard of a certain word that we invented. A little something called, “Rock & Roll.” See, we had very open minds in the ‘80s. When we attended concerts, we never even had a clue what gender the lead singer was.

The ’80s were a big celebration of life. And when today’s world starts to be too much, just remember that you will always be an honorary member of the club. As long as you have one of these:

The Anti-Masker’s Rap

It was late (after midnight) just a few months ago.

My face was deep in ice cream like a fat Russell Crowe.

I heard a crash and some bangs from the porch outside.

So I picked up my bat and grabbed some cyanide.

Searched up and down all around for a burglar or a crook.

Can’t tell a lie, I was feelin’ pretty shook.

But I couldn’t find a thing…just a note left on my door.

It was signed by virus Rona (she was so eager to bore).

Throughout the next 4 months she’s been fillin’ you with doom.

But what about yours truly? Just sittin’ jailed in my room.

Every bar is empty, nothing open but the store.

Plus I’m super horny now (without strip clubs to score).

Damn these days are dullsville when I ain’t got shit to do.

How the hell are all you sheeple so allergic to the flu?

Now my outings are to Kroger (I’m there every afternoon).

Just checked my online statement, shopped there 30 days in June.

Ladies stare in my direction like, “WEAR A MASK YOU BIG DISGRACE!”

It’s so easy to ignore them with those coverings on their face.

Protecting other people – is what you say masks are about.

Even average-looking strippers (who I’m desperate to take out).

See, my life is crazy boring and I hate this new hairdo.

Yet somehow you’re still expecting my concern to be for you?

It seems like you’re not hearing that I just won’t wear that thing.

Not even for a lap dance and a badly needed schwing.

I know that you dislike it when I cause you great dismay.

But there’s a word for that, old timer…the American way.

By now it’s crystal clear that you don’t get how this place works.

It’s all about my freedoms (oh yes, even when that irks).

I will broadcast all my rights to you at every single turn.

When it comes to other humans…not my problem if they burn.

I refuse to look at data from your doctors and your nerds.

They might put me in a coma with their 14-letter words.

There’s a reason I like scumbags (and the types who act so bad)…

I’m impervious to logic cuz all I really am is mad.

My anger is what drives me, oh it’s what I feel the most.

Sure, I take it out on all of you…the world’s my whipping post.

Your brain still wants to feel that this is just about a mask.

(Since you refuse to understand that monumental ask)

The belief is I don’t wear it because I don’t care for you.

Now it’s time to pay attention to the major fucking clue.

There is something that you people just can’t ever seem to see.

How could I care about any of you…

…when who I hate the most is me.