Mile Nerd

Days Of Yore

The year is 1992.

My trusty Indiglo watch reads, “2:30 AM.”

Ugh. I silence the Pittsburgh Steelers alarm clock, roll out of bed, and rub my groggy teenage eyes. It’s that time of night again already? Oh well. Just a couple of minutes and I’ll be back under the blanket. I stumble my way to the kitchen, grab my mid-sleep protein shake, and gulp it down.

Inconvenient? Of course.
Disgusting? Hell yeah.

But here was the reality of my situation:

1. I was 6 feet tall. That’s basically Shaq height for a brown kid.
2. I weighed a whopping 140 pounds.

Not an ideal combination. There should have been a sign over my 16 year-old head saying:
“Beware – Heavy winds will knock him over.”

Every night, I staggered out of bed to chug those extra calories. During the day, I ate everything in sight. I stuffed more food into my mouth than Russell Crowe at a Vegas buffet. But, no matter what I did…I just couldn’t put on weight.

Not a single pound.

Editor’s Note:
All these years later (in a cruel twist of fate), I can now drink one beer and wake up fat the next morning.

So, why such a desperate need to gain weight in high school? What was my deal?

Well, this might be hard to believe but…

Girls weren’t exactly knocking on my door for dates. Weird, right? Apparently, having zero muscles and a face that was 98% nose wasn’t a recipe for dating success. Specifically…

I had tons of girl friends. Maybe more than anyone in school. But I had no girlfriends. See the significant difference?

Every night, I spent hours on the phone with my long list of female pals. I was the kid who made them laugh. The safe and dependable shoulder to cry on. When the boys they actually wanted to sleep with were being mean…I was available via my sensitive nerd hotline. Open for calls 24/7.  

Sure, I knew how to be a good friend. That was easy. But why wasn’t there a course on how to move beyond that? It was SUCH an unsolvable mystery. I wished that someone…anyone…could see me as more than just a friend. But no such luck. I was a walking, talking stereotype – the nonthreatening sidekick. Everyone was out of my league. And, in my teenage brain, I figured the answer was to put on a few pounds.  

Who needed sleep anyway?

As the stereotypical friend zone nerd, I drove the prettiest girl in town (Kelley) to school each morning. Obviously, I was happy to do it. And, clearly, I never made my feelings known. As you can imagine, I was crazy about her. She was the head cheerleader and, of course, dated the quarterback of the football team. Kelley was a morning person who always seemed to bounce into the car mid-conversation. Sometimes she’d share secrets that nobody else knew. Not even her boyfriend. But it was hard to focus on specific words. If she got excited about a topic, she would enthusiastically touch my arm to make her point. And, yup, that was the highlight of my day.

I. Was. Pathetic.

Worst of all, I knew it. I had so much inside to give. But nobody else could see it. And it appeared that nobody ever would. Maybe I was destined to be the guy who plays video games alone while eating Cheetos and listening to R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts.”

Well, life is a funny thing. As we all know, it can be surprising. College was a very different kind of experience. Maybe it’s because I filled out…maybe I just grew into my nose…or, against all odds, maybe I started gathering the first crumbs of self-confidence. But, little by little, I started feeling like less of a freak. And…whatever it was…that led to a different type of attention from girls. What started with free drinks from a pretty young waitress…turned into sorority girls initiating conversations with me at parties…and it grew from there. My social life was becoming active. Even (gasp) Kelley wanted to date me. Over the years, there have been so many moments that would have put the 16 year-old me into a coma. I’ve been seduced in the middle of a class, have been invited to join the Mile High Club by an attractive seat neighbor, and have been pursued by a Playboy centerfold. And then some.

Now, let me be very clear. My intention isn’t to brag. I’m an average looking guy and never became anything close to the musclebound Adonis I tried to be in high school. The truth is this…

For years after high school…I was utterly confused whenever a girl was interested in me.

Every.

Single.

Time.

The first night I had sex, my brain went into full-on malfunction. It couldn’t comprehend what was happening. I kept thinking, “Wait, I’m the sidekick funny guy. She should be talking to me about the person she’s actually interested in. What the hell is this lunacy?”

But life moves on.

Over time, the new normal became a lot more…expected. Women no longer seemed unattainable. And I forgot all about the 16 year-old me. What happened to that boy who would’ve done anything just for a girl to have a crush on him? Well, he grew up.

So what I’d like to say to my fellow straight dudes this month is as follows…

We all just kind of move along in our routines, don’t we? And, along the way, it becomes the norm to have someone by our side. But, guys…

It’s been a challenging year. If you have your health AND someone who cares about you in your life…that’s a hell of a thing right now. Sure, you might not be thrilled with your relationship. You might not be sure it’ll last your whole life. But…if you do have someone by your side right now…maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to make her feel special this Valentine’s Day.

I know, I know…it’s a commercial holiday. And, yeah, you’re a nice guy all year long. But, my dudes, somewhere inside is that awkward teenage version of you. A kid who would’ve done…well, anything…to have someone special wanting to hang out with him every day.

So if you do have someone in your life…

Why not let the kid out this month?

Let him go a little over the top.

Just a thought.

My Twenty-One Resolutions For ‘21

• Stop being wishy-washy. Or maybe not.

• Avoid murderous thoughts when coworkers start each Zoom meeting with:
  “So…is everyone wearing pants?”

• Kick ass and take names. And by that I mean…
  Quit falling on my ass and forgetting people’s names.

• Fight against laziness.
  No matter what, never become the guy who writes “K” in place of “OK.”

• Be more socially active.
  (Hug one human this year without screaming, “The plague!”)

• Rember to do a speelcheck before posting anyting.

• Quit being so passive aggressive. Unlike some people I know.

• Ok, THIS is the year I start eating bett…

• Sorry, had to make a quick call.
  As I was saying, THIS is the year I start eating better quality cheese.

• Don’t sweat the small stuff.
  BUT SERIOUSLY…HOW HARD IS IT TO WRITE “OK” FOR FUCK’S SAKE???

• Find inner peace.

• Never become the guy who puts a random and awkward “LOL” at the end of serious sentences.

• Fully embrace the aging process.
  Sure, I’ve reached the tweeze-hair-out-of-my-ears chapter of life. And it’s super depressing. LOL

• At some point in the next few weeks, I think it’s time to stop procrastinating.

• End all of this obsessive thinking! It’s easy. Just do everything in moderation.
  But wait, if I do moderation in moderation…doesn’t that mean all the moderation gets cancelled out? Or no? Fuck.

• WHY CAN’T THEY JUST SPELL OUT “OK”??? IT’S A TWO-LETTER WORD!!!

• Find professional help for the inner peace thing.

• Stop the blame game. And hold myself accountable for my problems. Even though it’s all the government’s fault.

• Only spend time on meaningful pursuits. Like February’s post about the world’s Top 10 best cheeses.

• Tone down the sarcasm this year. Yeah, sure, like that’ll happen.

On a serious note, I truly wish you, me, and everybody else a hell of a lot more joy in 2021. We deserve it. Happy new year, nerds!

Happy Face

2 years ago, I retired from being MileNerd.

It was a big part of my life for almost a decade. I stumbled out of bed every morning to an inbox overflowing with questions, comments, and contributions. Almost all of them made me smile in some way. There was an endless back and forth with readers – a constant stream of chatter about miles and points. And then at night, I wrote.

Year after year…life continued that way.

I didn’t make any attempts to “grow” or really even mention the blog  – so how did people show up? What were they looking for? Also…why the hell was I living like that? But there was no time for analysis. I had to keep chugging along.

Well, it’s been two chug-free years now. The ride has long since come to an end. And there’s one HUGE difference in my post-retirement life…

All of the quiet space that had been filled with sound for so long.

Almost like I used to live in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then relocated to a local knitting club.

Or like I walked straight from a Star Wars screening into a ballet.

Have you ever been jammed under one roof with your entire crazy family for the holidays? If so, you probably know about that last day when it’s all over and the madness suddenly ends.

It gets quiet, right?

Well, this craziness was 8 years long. And the silence was deafening for a while. Logically, I know there are more of you reading than ever. But it wasn’t about any of that. A ride did come to an end. My miles and points blogging life lasted for a long time. So, yeah, it was tough at first. As you may have heard…change is hard.

I missed (and sometimes still miss) those days.

For years, there was a hard-to-describe feeling…the daily connection to thousands of “friends.” Plus the 100+ emails each morning that felt like an ongoing conversation. Whether we were actually friends or not, it all felt like friendship. The noise and madness was a regular part of my day.

Until it wasn’t.

What I really want to express in this last post of the year is as follows…

I know a bunch of you are struggling in a variety of ways right now. No question about it…2020 has thrown some uppercuts. But you don’t have to lose your job, home, or a loved one to “qualify” for sadness. Sometimes it just comes out of change.

And this year has been anything but routine.

(Shit, I felt sad last January just from typing less on the internet to people I’ve never met)

We hang on to lessons from our youth, don’t we? Like the concept of obsessively trying to “put on a happy face.” Apparently, we were all raised to be circus clowns who need to paint a smile mask on no matter the situation. It sounds ridiculous, right? But newsflash – we humans are often ridiculous. We’re messy. So we cling to old ideas from another time – even when they no longer make sense. As “grownups,” we only deem a handful of emotions to be acceptable. Anger about current events is allowed. But, man, are we perplexed by our own pain. When we become adults, it gets incredibly hard to tell another person, “I feel sad.”  

So we bury.

Pretty impressive how well we’ve mastered the art of shoving all that crap inside. Why deal with any pain now when we can let it seep out in a variety of unhealthy ways later – Ulcer? Insomnia? Booze? All acceptable. But just looking another human in the eye and saying you feel unhappy? That’s crazy town.

Unless life completely falls apart, real men and women know that it’s shameful to admit sadness.

In fact, we are required by law to let it fester and grow into something worse inside us.

Guys, 2020 was a motherfucker. Even for those who are still healthy and employed. So maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world to allow yourself to feel sad sometimes. And to…gasp…actually allow other humans in to see it. Because here’s the simple reality…

If your “compassion” doesn’t extend to yourself, then you haven’t actually figured out what compassion is.

It’s not like you could smash yourself out of anxiety with brute force even if you tried. That’s not how we’re wired. We have to feel it to get through it. So don’t judge yourself for being human right now. Acknowledge the feelings and let them pass through you.

What’s the worst that could happen…

…someone might actually see past your mask?

Big Week

Hey, have you heard the news? Apparently, Tuesday is a pretty important day.

Disclaimer:
This is a quick post for those who are voting for the host of Celebrity Apprentice to run the country.

Disclaimer #2:
Relax. Lower your defensive walls and put down your spears. It’s just me. I’ll always be fair. Which is something we could all use more of after the last few surreal years.  

Disclaimer #3:
This post is not intended for full-on cult members who view Donald as the bulletproof lovechild of Wonder Woman and Aquaman. It’s not for those who believe Trump burps rainbows and farts pixie dust. No…I’m speaking to you guys who know he’s a mess and are still planning to vote for him anyway.

Disclaimer #4:
I’m completely aware that there’s a 0% chance of me changing your vote. Please understand that that isn’t my goal at all. I just want to talk in a reasonable way to some reasonable people for a few minutes about this shitshow. Nothing more.

(Ok, we can start now)

Dear Trump voters who don’t have mental problems:

You and I actually agree about something related to this “presidency” and it’s pretty significant…

You shouldn’t be lumped into the same box as his cult members. Those types of sloppy generalizations are part of how we got here in the first place. But let’s be real. Many of you do have clear biases in certain situations. And it’s fine to admit that. You won’t turn to dust for being more self-aware. Obviously, one of the most common generalizations in our society is that politicians are scum. It’s a wide blanket statement. Much like seeing all cops one way, all Muslims, all men, all women, all of the media, all protestors, or all Republicans.

Where does a road of hyper-generalizing things in such black and white ways take us?

I believe this current path will lead us to more intolerance. Which is (obviously) bad. Dumbing down our thinking is not taking us to a better America. So let’s really play it out. What happens if we perceive the generalization about politicians as truth…day after day…and year after year? Maybe we’ll eventually see every human who builds a career in politics as a liar and crook. Maybe some of you are there already. Hey, at this rate, maybe we can have a future where we distrust all politicians, all media, all cops, and all people who seem different than us. That seems like a good recipe to make America great again, right?

Sure, you might not make immature generalizations like your President does on a daily basis. And I’m pretty sure his act is wearing thin for some of you Trump voters. Maybe it’s starting to scare you to see just how easily we humans can create beliefs about entire groups? Or maybe the angry mob mentality coming out of his ignorance-spreading rallies is getting a bit uncomfortable? Hey, I don’t know. I’m just asking. But if we keep stuffing everyone of the same “type” into one big box…how will this shitshow get any better?

I still remember the time before Donald Trump entered politics.

(Apparently, it was only 4 years ago and not 400)

Back then, the man was as famous for being a scam artist as he was for anything else. There wasn’t much confusion about the kind of scumbag he was. It was pretty universally known. Until he pretended to be a Republican and decided to enter politics, that is. And the current scam is clearly his biggest. As an observer of human behavior, it’s fascinating to watch. The way he takes advantage of America’s intellectual laziness is quite a magic trick. This dude can tell a blatant lie that no other President could have ever escaped from…and then just completely distract his way out of it within a day. He does this same magic trick week after week. But what’s most amazing is how he pulls off these escapes. Without using logic or intelligence…he can get out of his jams armed with nothing but nonsensical rambling. It’s incredible.

The key to his White House grift is complete mastery over the art of generalizing. No matter what trouble he gets into or who he wrongs…he can just generalize his ass off about a group of “radical” or “terrible” people from another state, country, or political party. And…like magic…our attention moves wherever he wants it to go. If he has nothing to brag about, he can just use the words “tremendous” and “amazing” repeatedly. And millions of people will still buy it. In fact, the most fascinating show of the last 4 years hasn’t even been Donald Trump. It’s been watching all the hordes of people who truly have no clue they’re getting manipulated by a dumbass.

Yesterday, my jaw hit the floor as he scared thousands of people by telling them what would happen if he lost – and the scary tale was literally just a description of what was happening already with him in charge. Somehow it still worked. This man is Houdini.

(Well, more like Houdini’s dim-witted brother who just pulls lint out of a hat as people go wild)

Guys, it ain’t hard to be a cult leader. All you need to do is follow these 3 steps:

1. Observe what a group of people desperately want – and what they’re afraid of.
2. Convince them that you’ll give them the good – and stop the bad from happening.
3. Gain their trust (which is incredibly easy to do once the first two steps are done).

That’s it.

After the 3 steps are complete…feel free to do whatever the fuck you want to do to your cult members. Because they’ll no longer have ownership of their thoughts. And the best part? They won’t even notice it. Many of them will actually react with anger if someone dares to tell them they’re in a cult. The truth will feel like an attack. Some of your cult members will more have more loyalty to you than to their own well-being.

Is there anything that could get Trump’s cult to turn on him? Doubtful. I think he could probably be cheered for any words that come out of his mouth as long as he says them aggressively. But I am curious how much lower he can take this. Is there a bottom? At this point, could he go on a rampage against the “evil” and “terrible” oxygen we breathe and still get a standing ovation?

I know you didn’t fall for his bullshit in the way his cult members did. But…respectfully…we do live in this surreal TrumpWorld partly because of your vote. And it’s a world where truth and integrity have taken a major beating. I know you vote Republican for reasons that have nothing to do with Donald Trump. And I get that. But, guys, there’s more to this than just politics and policy. Think back to any job you’ve ever had. If an absolute scumbag and cheat was put in charge to run the place…wouldn’t the fallout be very significant in your workplace? If that repulsive boss dealt with office problems by pouring gasoline on every fire on a daily basis…wouldn’t the tension and hostility grow in a big way there?

Pretty simple. If a total piece of garbage is put in charge of any organization, terrible shit will happen within it.

Look, I know people can be weird about politics. It becomes part of their identity. I do get that. I’m not going to change your mind and don’t expect to. But just look at any cult. It’s never easy for anyone to admit they were tricked by a moron.

So I’ll just close with this…

If you are voting for Donald Trump, please don’t mimic his disgusting behavior. And I really hope you won’t normalize it. Don’t put people who have legitimate issues with that man into one simplistic box in your head. Because a lot of them aren’t even Democrats. There are plenty of us who know the Democratic party is a mess too. We’re not attached to either of those teams. But we simply can’t support the kind of disgusting man who is beloved by the fucking Ku Klux Klan. This is not politics as usual, guys. You’re voting for a man whose name is used as the inspiration for hate crimes. A hero for white supremacist groups. This really isn’t normal. And it certainly doesn’t mean that Joe Biden is amazing. Or that he will even be above average on the job. But Donald Trump is a very different level of scumbag. If you honestly can’t see that at this point…it means you’ve built a thick fortress of delusion to hide behind. This is about more than just policy.

If you always vote Republican no matter what…really look at the cause and effect here. You are making a choice. You are voting for this level of indecency on a daily basis for the next 4 years. As well as all of the fallout that will come from it. You are using your voice to say, “I’m ok with that.” And the effect is this…more people will generalize that “Republicans” stand for the things that Donald Trump stands for. And for good reason. Because so many of them are selling out for this. For a disgusting grifter who fans the flames of hatred as a lifestyle choice. I’ve been watching so many of my friends who identify as Republican. As a non-political person, I’ve been hoping for more of them to say they are not ok with this shitshow and cannot give their vote to it. But I’ve been waiting for 4 years now. I doubt I’ll ever identify as Democrat or Republican for the rest of my life. But I’ve never been so eager to vote against someone.

And I can’t believe you’re still standing by this man.

Adulting 101

Recently, a reader named Shawn asked me to share some tips for graduating young men as they enter adulthood next year. Keep in mind, I am no expert on any subject at all and spend most of my days confused by the world around me. But, young Shawn, this is for you and your fraternity brothers as you graduate and become men…

1. Honesty is always the answer.
   (except when answering, “Does this make me look fat?”)
2. You are…and will always be…a work in progress.
3. No short-sleeve dress shirts. Ever.
4. Your word will either mean something or it won’t. Time to decide.
5. Learn how to deliver a great joke. Tell it carefully to make sure you haven’t any words out.
6. When smart people criticize you…allow yourself to hear them (even when it stings).
7. There is never a good reason to smoke a cigarette.
8. (A joint is different)
9. Do you really want to be the guy who makes people wait for you to back into a parking space?
10. Invest in a very comfortable pair of shoes.
11. If she takes a few days to text you back but checks her phone every 5 minutes when you’re together…she’s trying to tell you something.
12. Money can make your life so much easier.
    Just remember that none of the big answers will ever be found in your bank account.
13. It can only be great sex if she feels that way about it too.
14. Make 2 lists:
    First, write down the names of anyone you could depend on in a jam.
    Next, list the people 100% willing to talk to you about anything at all.
    If any names show up on both lists…that’s who matters most.
15. Never, ever wear a gold chain.
16. (Silver is just as bad)
17. Learn how to make a great mixed drink and a killer omelette. Serve separately.
18. Allow someone to bully you once and get used to people doing it for the rest of your life.
19. Don’t settle for a bad mattress.
20. Dance like nobody is watching.
    (Unless you do the white man overbite. In that case, please disregard)
21. Tattoos = a clear sign that you don’t know how to express yourself yet.
22. Sure, you can send an email in anger.
    You can also punch yourself in the face.
    Why do either?
23. The very moment your pants stop fitting…that’s when the fast food era in your life is over.
24. Hate in your heart will consume you.
    Also, love in your heart will consume you.
    Choose wisely.
25. Tip the Uber driver who made 3 bucks lugging you around.
26. For the love of God, learn the difference between “your” and “you’re.”
27. Take some big swings. Nobody reaches the end of their life and says:
    “Damn I’m glad I played it so safe.”
28. You can be the dude who burps the alphabet at parties or you can get laid. It’s one or the other.
29. Bad haircut? Shame on them.
    Walk back into the same barbershop next month? Shame on you.
30. It’s incredibly easy to end a friendship. Be careful not to get too good at it.
31. Before talking politics with someone who can’t find a single flaw on “their side,” see if your dentist can squeeze you in for a root canal. It will be more fun.
32. Never date a girl who pays her rent in $1 bills.
33. When someone shows you who they are…BELIEVE THEM.
    (this will be surprisingly hard to do)
34. Avoid paying retail for anything over $100.
35. Real men say sorry when they’re wrong and don’t apologize for being right.
36. If you have loving parents, hold on tight to them for as long as you can.
    If you have pig parents, cut them (and your anger) loose.
37. If you are still an annoying, angry, or weepy drunk…STOP DRINKING.
38. Without kindness and a sense of humor, you might as well be a plant.
39. Be willing to put yourself out there and then dare to suck.
    (most adults are terrified by the mere thought of it)
40. No ribs on a first date. Or spaghetti.
41. Weak people often define themselves as “nice.”
    Assholes tend to see themselves as “strong.”
    Be very, very honest when you look in the mirror.
42. Typing a tweet does not qualify as taking a stand.
43. Try as you might…you’ll never fully realize what you had until it’s gone.
    (whether love, money, or a roll of toilet paper)
44. Michael Jordan is the greatest of all time. Also, water is wet.
    No need to waste time debating either.
45. Your career is important. But it shouldn’t cost you your mental health.
46. When you consider doing something that crosses the line, take a second and remember what a courtroom is. Ask yourself the following question:
    “Do I really want to put my life in the hands of 12 people who were too dumb to get out of jury duty?”
47. Never let a year go by without buying your girlfriend a surprise gift. It doesn’t have to be expensive. Just unexpected.
48. Have less wishbone and more backbone.
49. It’s a fine line between being the fun guy at work who wears quirky ties…and becoming a circus clown. Beware of the line.
50. “Never trust anyone” is terrible advice. It’s a recipe for an empty life.
    Keep your eyes alert but your heart open.
51. Become a great negotiator. That means connecting to people as human beings and not looking at them as “customer service.”
52. The prerequisite for having a great life is knowing that you deserve one.
53. You can be grateful for everything or nothing. It’s totally up to you.
    (But your relationship with that one emotion will dictate everything)