There’s a tight 15-minute window that I’m about to miss.
A wedding?
Graduation?
Emergency surgery?
Nope.
I’m at the mall to pick up a new iPhone.
(According to this email, I need to arrive precisely between 10:15 and 10:30)
Yeah, ok.
How busy can an Apple Store be?
I turn the corner, walk past the intoxicating aroma of Cinnabon, and catch a glimpse of my destination. The long line stops me in my tracks.
Wait, it’s STILL like this?
15 generations into these phones?
This is not the most advanced technology in the world. Not even the most powerful smartphone available. But, holy shit, think of the impact of this device.
We get so used to everything, don’t we? No matter what it is. Just becomes par for the course. But sometimes your heart feels like sounding an alarm. Tapping your brain on its shoulder. Saying, “Forget the mental routine of this. Actually let it in. Really look around.”
So, I listen to my brain tap.
I stare at the long line again. But, this time, with the appropriate sense of awe.
Forgetting for a moment how “normal” it is to see people with iPhones in 2023. Instead, I consider what this actually is. And what it actually was. How all of this started from a dude tinkering away in his garage. Much like those kids in school who seemed to always be messing with their circuit boards. We learned over time to think of Steve Jobs as STEVE JOBS. But he was just a guy named Steve. Someone who pitched weird ideas and heard:
“Why would regular people want a computer?”
Years later, all of us are impacted. Using words like “Facetime” and “iMessage” as common parts of our daily vocabulary. Words that could have sounded like complete gibberish. If a guy named Steve was more of a follower.
Man, the impact…
Even how millions of us look down every day and automatically know what the color blue means in our text messages.
How many times did people say he should stop tinkering?
And how many of us would have listened?
Suddenly, I notice the large number of people in line wearing Air Jordans. Almost like it’s part of their uniform. Were these young guys even alive to watch him play? I start doing the quick math in my head…
Ok, Michael retired from the Bulls in…wait…1998?
My heart gives another tap to the ol’ brain…
Forget the mental routine of being used to this.
So, basically, nobody under the age of 35 has a memory of watching his career. And yet they’re touched by it. Lacing up their “Jordans” each morning.
I push through the cobwebs in my head.
Taking it all in.
That Jordan is, in fact, a name. Of a high schooler who was cut from his varsity squad. A kid named Mike who worked his butt off all summer to improve. Less recruited than someone named Buzz Peterson in his college class.
And now this level of impact.
All these years later.
Not a mall in America we could walk through without seeing people wear his name.
Another tap on the brain…
Have you ever considered how absurd it is to tell someone their dreams are unrealistic?
And how absurd it is to believe that about yourself?
But, every day, we pass our limitations on to others. They do the same to us. Not intentionally, of course. Just a game of tag. An endless circle of projection. As we build mental ceilings for each other. Over time, they keep getting lower and lower.
Until we learn to stop paying attention to our dreams.
Programmed to believe these ceilings are real.
While we walk through malls, buying sneakers and phones, forgetting to look at the limitless possibility all around us.
And within us.
It’s easier to build safe little boxes for ourselves. To live in them. To forget that great possibilities existed for us. And still do. Things can change in such big ways. But something inside wants us to forget that. Because it’s more comfortable within the safety of our limits.
We hear so much debate about what it means to be a man these days. Such a complex question. In extremely confusing times. So, let’s uncover the answers. I recently surveyed hundreds of women and feel proud to share such valuable information below.
How to be a real man.
Let’s talk about it…
1 – Knowledge is power. Are women attracted to simpletons? Of course not. They respond to intelligence. And you should have plenty to offer. Who’s worldly and wise? You are.
Is it necessary to make up a few facts along the way? Absolutely. But we all do that. Think of an encyclopedia with arms and legs. That’s how you should see yourself. Because, more than anything, women love an expert on all subjects.
Does she really need a warm shoulder to cry on? Or someone to vent to after a hard week? Please. What she wants is a list of detailed answers on what to do. Day after day.
Looking into your eyes, she should think, “You just know everything, don’t you?”
Yes.
Yes, you do.
2 – Don’t be creepy. Consider this…
Women get ogled for years. Often objectified. In a way that you’ve never experienced. Really imagine being stared at by leering weirdos. It’s gross, right? Well, that’s the behavior of your competition. As a real man, your job is to put her at ease when she gets home. Providing relief from all the creepiness of the world.
It’s a simple solution…
Be better than your peers.
The last thing you want to resemble is one of those staring, glaring cavemen. But how do you set yourself apart? Quite easily. By avoiding eye contact as much as possible. It’s the exact opposite of staring. When she’s speaking to you, find an object on the wall to look at. It could be a painting or even just a cobweb. And, when all else fails, focus your gaze on a ballgame or whatever’s happening on television.
Stay conscious of all the slack-jawed leering she deals with in the world.
And be the solution.
3 – Consider her sensory needs. Women are wonderfully sensitive creatures. Deeply in touch with all 5 senses in a way that, say, Bob the local mechanic is not. And it’s part of what attracts you. Think about it – do you really want to date a Bob type?
So, ask yourself this question…
How often do you think of a woman’s sensory needs? (And, no, pervert…we’re not just talking about the sense of touch)
Take her sense of smell, for example. Sure, with you, it’s just a matter of rubbing a bar of Irish Spring on yourself and calling it a day. But now consider all the pleasant smells she cares about. I assume you’ve noticed the way women love perfume and candles, right? See, it’s not enough to be an expert on every subject in the world. You should also want to make her smile as she enters a room. It should feel like a treat to her senses. So, here’s a simple hack to remember:
-A little cologne is good. -A ton of cologne is better.
Does she smell you in the car whether you’re there or not? Do her eyes water when you make sudden movements?
(The answer to both questions should be a resounding yes)
Those tears you’ll see? They’re called tears of joy. Because she has a real man who is sensitive to her needs.
4 – Develop your sense of humor. More than anything, women love to laugh. They respond warmly to men with comedic ability. Luckily, this is very easy…
No need to worry. You don’t even need original material. Just imitate the most charming characters in movie history. Top examples include: -Jim Carrey from Dumb and Dumber -Adam Sandler from Billy Madison
You should mimic their dialogue throughout the day. And remember that comedy is about surprises. Be courageous. Blurt out clever one-liners at unexpected times. Things like, “That’s what she said” or “How you doin’.”
This level of gusto will be deeply appreciated. Especially after she’s had a long day and looks tired. And don’t be afraid to take things old school. Very few people are willing to be the guy who shouts “DY-NO-MITE” at random times. But that’s what real men do. In the darkness of a movie theater. Or while a waiter presents a list of nightly specials.
Keep things fun and fresh.
Share the priceless gift of laughter.
5 – Be complimentary. Amid the day-to-day grind, it’s very easy to forget. But people aren’t mind readers. You can think the world of her, but if you don’t verbalize it, she may never know. And who among us doesn’t love to be complimented? So, give what you wish to receive. Express kindness on a regular basis. Just make sure to avoid doing it in a creepy way. No need to overthink it. Just say the exact same things you’d express to one of your male friends.
For example: -You’re killing it at the gym. Nice work, dude. You’re bulking up like crazy. or -Man, you still look pretty good for your age, dog.
Kindness is the key to a woman’s heart.
Inside of you lives a poet just waiting to get out.
6 – Embrace your feminine side. Let’s face it. You could probably lower your defenses a little more. Am I right? There’s just no reason to act so hard all the time. Aren’t you getting tired of it? Because one thing’s for sure…
Real men are willing to soften.
That allows them to make friends, find love, and let people in. The concept of being a tough guy is antiquated. What requires far more courage is to be vulnerable. I’m sure you’ve heard the popular term right now: “Toxic masculinity.”
So, why not put all that aside? Let yourself cry at a movie. Sing along with a catchy Britney Spears song. And come up with a cute, non-threatening name for your penis. Maybe refer to it as “Suzanne” or “Jennifer.”
A little spoiler alert from this game called life: Nothing says real man like naming your genitalia “Alice.”
7 – Be a man of mystery. It’s very important to shake up your stale routines. Is anything more attractive than someone who keeps things interesting? A real man is unpredictable. And that adventurous spirit is achievable without much effort. No need to climb mountains or even leave your home. Plenty of unpredictability can be found within your four walls. For example…
Change the channel frequently. This creates a sense of excitement. One in which there seems to be no rhyme or reason at all. You should also use a dozen different water glasses per day. Why do you do that? Nobody knows. Not even you. But it adds to your mysterious nature.
On a regular basis, she should look at an empty container you’ve put back in the pantry and wonder: “What on earth is he doing?”
Being a man of mystery, that’s what.
8 – Deepen friendships. Far too much of the focus between men and women is on sex. But what about friendship? It’s something that real men care deeply about. Sure, we all think of ourselves as “givers.” But true givers always look to do more. And nothing touches the heart of a woman more than a guy who gets along with her friends. So, take the initiative…
-Really engage with her close friends. -Send them “Happy Birthday” gifs that show you remember their big day. -Pick up the phone if they seem lonely. Ask questions that reflect your curiosity. (Like how work is going. Or what they’re wearing) -Continue deepening these connections. Not just in group hangouts. Really invest in quality one-on-one time. Make an evening out of it. Bring a nice bottle of wine. And maybe some flowers.
These are just a few of the gestures that real men are willing to make. But do it all quietly. Because nobody likes a braggart. Remember, this isn’t to receive credit. A real man is a giver. And sharing yourself with others is what you’re all about.
Two differences this month: -First, I’ll be linking to more pages than usual. Because of the nature of this topic. -Second, the format is an imaginary Q & A with a guy who is always full of “bad takes.” You know the type.
Here we go…
10 questions from “bad take guy” about the Hollywood strikes
1 – What’s the deal with this? A bunch of rich celebrity actors and writers being greedy?
Just…no.
Don’t strain your brain. While I’m sure it’s entertaining to go through life listening to the craziest 1% of our population…
-Elvis isn’t alive. -The Easter Bunny isn’t real. -And the majority of faces you see on your TV aren’t rich.
2 – Alright, smart guy, so what’s the scoop with these strikes? Also, are you 100% sure about the Elvis thing?
Pretty sure, yeah.
Now, let me ask you a question:
You’ve heard your fellow humans talking about corporate greed, right? Probably tough to remember with all the bong hits, I know. But that greed has exploded in recent years. Have you noticed some impacts with buddies in other industries? Here’s the deal…
It’s not just about skyrocketing CEO salaries. There’s a flip side to that coin. Because yachts aren’t cheap. Something has to pay for them…
Spoiler alert: In multiple industries, workers are getting squeezed.
(And, no, it hasn’t always been this extreme)
The “Hollywood strikes” are rooted in the same stuff that’s impacting people you know.
But I guess you could say this particular situation is “on steroids.”
3 – Steroids? Now, that’s badass. Makes me think of wrestling. Fine, you got my attention. So, why should I care about this?
Well, broseph…
It’s not my place to tell you what to care about. But, out of curiosity, have you ever considered how important art is in your life?
(I’m guessing probably not)
So, let’s take a look:
Maybe you’ve gone through hard times. Possibly had your heart broken along the way? Happens to all of us. Very normal part of being alive. And maybe you’ve turned to a funny show to insert some kind of joy into your day. Or, more likely, an action movie to distract you from the pain for a couple hours. I hope you’ve never lost someone. But it’s something we all have to go through. Just about the worst thing there is. It’s something that can feel like you’re living in your own private hell. And nobody in the world can relate. Sometimes we turn to storytelling because we need to see another person going through a similar journey. Art can help us feel less alone.
Sometimes stories come along that allow us to think differently. Whether you realize it or not. But art does play a huge role in your life. We’re so used to accessing it when we need something. It’s a tool so often used that we take it for granted. Even just think of how you fight boredom on a plane. Imagine those long flights with a total absence of art. With no writer, actor, or musician stepping in. Does that mean it’s the cure for cancer? Of course not. But art does play a big role in our lives.
(This is expressed beautifully here – or in a longer version here)
So, why should you care? It’s not about fighting someone else’s fight. I think it’s just about caring enough to have the basic facts right. These are peak times for misinformation. Do you really want to keep being “bad take guy” forever?
4 – Dammit. That’s true about my nickname. I don’t really like it. Fine, I’m listening. But I thought all those people got paid millions. How are they getting squeezed (haha that made me think of boobs)?
Good one.
So, we’re friends now? Cool, let’s really talk. We’ll start with the writers first…
If I took a poll here right now, “The Bear” on Hulu would probably win for best current show. Deservedly so. Tons of people are watching it and it’s doing very well in every way. Perfect example for us…
This video will tell you the story of their staff writer Alex O’Keefe. A guy who “won the lottery” writing for a show that became a sensation. Hulu didn’t share the wealth. They didn’t make Alex a millionaire. Oh, and…
They didn’t even keep him above the poverty line.
As they basked in the glitz and spectacle of having a huge hit show…
Alex walked onstage at the WGA awards with a negative bank account balance. In a suit he had to borrow. As a writer for the award-winning show that night.
5 – What the shit? Dude, this is nuts. Wait, put that puppy in reverse for a second. None of this makes sense. I am a little buzzed right now, but you’re talking about huge shows. How did things get so bad?
Since you’re a few beers in, here’s the simple version…
You’ve heard of actors and writers getting “residual checks,” right?
Well, you probably have a mental picture of those checks. The surprise riches that get delivered every month. I get it, daydreaming is fun. But let me ask you this:
Why do you think residual checks came into existence?
It’s because writers and actors are such massive parts of visual storytelling. Obviously, right? The entire world of the story comes from the brains of writers. And actors bring it to life. That big crew…all those lights and cameras…it’s there to capture human moments. That’s why we click the play button on our devices.
See, the visual storytelling of TV and movies is like a mirror. Reflecting our human experience back to all of us. From our strangest comedy to our darkest tragedy…and all the drama in between. As a species, we’re all over the place. And we’re all drawn to this reflection. We want to see it.
So, why did residuals come about? It’s a very big business. Corporations make huge profits from the work of writers and actors. And those workers wanted something in return for being such critical pieces of such a successful enterprise. Not yachts of their own. Just not having to borrow a suit to go to an award show. To be shown a reasonable amount of respect.
The money portion of this strike is about streaming services. How would anyone feel if they removed the part of paychecks that makes it possible to earn a living? Well, here’s a peek behind the negotiating room door:
When streamers first came along, the writers and actors were told: “Be patient. This is new technology. We’ll take care of you.”
Not the first time “be patient” was uttered. It’s code for not paying writers. Here’s a quick look at the history of that phrase:
1981 – They got shut out of residuals for VHS tapes. And had to strike. 2007 – Shut out of residuals for DVDs. Had to strike again. 2023 – Exact same thing with streamers.
The current strike was not a surprise to anyone. Because the writers are not actually asking for “more.” They just want the big chunk of their income that was taken away. The business model includes residuals because it’s what makes that career sustainable.
This quote from a writer summed it up well: “If someone steals your wallet and then gives you five dollars back…you’re not five dollars richer. They still stole your wallet.”
Alex O’Keefe knows the current reality of streamers. He wrote on a massive hit show and wasn’t compensated enough to cover his living expenses in the city it filmed.
Just one of many examples.
6 – Dang, dude. This is some shit. What about the actors? They have to make more than the writers, right?
Less, actually. Why don’t we look at another sensation from the last year…
“Jury Duty” was huge streaming show. Trending everywhere and the whole song and dance. Their cast (aside from the one “celebrity name”) probably didn’t make what you’d guess from such a “big break.”
Actually, let’s test this. How much would you guess?
Because it wasn’t life-changing money. Or medium money…
Or even enough to buy a lightly used Prius.
The cast of this big hit earned just enough to get over the minimum qualification for union health insurance.
7 – Yo, man. I get it now. Shit, I’d be out there striking too. Wait, big movie stars do make millions, right?
For the most part, yeah. Network series regulars and “movie stars” tend to make a bundle. Again, that’s why this strike isn’t about them. Their situations are extremely rare. They’re the first ones to say it. Keanu Reeves is the biggest “star” in every movie he makes. The big name that audiences pay to see. But nobody involved, including Keanu Reeves, would consider him the most skilled actor in any of his movies. His reality is abnormal. A turn of good fortune and luck that is just about as rare as being struck by lightning. See, there’s probably a Merryl Streep of this generation. And, if she exists, she’s likely doing an off-Broadway play and maybe a scene or two in an episode of Law & Order. She’s not a “name.” And will almost certainly never play a lead role in a studio movie. Or get to audition for one. Because here’s what successful careers typically look like for a working professional actor…
A commercial here and there, a few nice guest spots on some shows, and an occasional recurring gig. Constantly preparing and working toward the next opportunity. Jumping from job to job forever. Sustained by residuals from performing in the highest level of shows for years.
Seinfeld was a cast of four, right? Nope. There were 1,323 actors who contributed to that all-time great comedy. This strike has little to do with the four millionaires. It’s about what corporate greed has done to the other 1,319.
Because of the “streamer schemers,” 86% of the Screen Actors Guild no longer earns enough to qualify for health insurance.
(The amount needed to qualify is $26,000/year)
Between streaming and AI, a lot of people are on the verge of getting bulldozed. Sure, Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts make millions of dollars a year. And generate a ton of revenue. But seeing those numbers and thinking “that’s how actors are paid” is like seeing Richard Branson and thinking “that’s what British people earn.”
It’s wildly incorrect.
The vast majority of people who move you on your screen – along with so many of the ones who write the stories that entertain you – are no longer paid a livable wage. We’re not talking about “wannabes.” These are the working professionals. The non-celebrity success stories.
It’s why things are at a breaking point.
Remember when “Orange Is The New Black” was an early streaming hit for Netflix? CEO Ted Sarandos raved that their audience was bigger than Game Of Thrones. But it also provided a glimpse of the streaming economy that was yet to come.
8 – This is cuckoo for Coco Puffs, bro. Yo, you said something about AI with this strike. What’s the deal with that?
To give you a taste of how the other side negotiates, here’s another peek behind the curtain:
At the bottom of the totem pole are the background artists. Also known as “extras.” Those people have the longest days, the lowest pay, and so on. It’s grunt work. Not a position that requires unique skill or talent – so it’s entry-level. But they serve a purpose in the storytelling. Filling in the background and helping scenes feel real. They are part of the process. With that in mind, here’s the offer from the other side…
They proposed one day of pay to extras. Which includes a digital scan that can be used for eternity. Essentially, as AI continues advancing, they’re telling those people: “We want the right to pay you for one day of work. And then to never pay you again.”
Yeah, you heard that right.
So, when a celebrity actor supports this strike? Part of it is to lend a voice to the lowest person on the totem pole. Joining the rest of the protesters to say this is not ok.
9 – Hold up. I think I just puked in my mouth. Paid for one day and never paid again?? Greed is right. I just had the wrong side. What in the name of Rowdy Roddy Piper is wrong with these people? Who negotiates like this??
Who? Well, that’s an interesting question. Because the negotiations now involve a bunch of Wall Street types. Most are totally disconnected from the creative process. Recently, they even asked the following question behind closed doors: “What’s a callback?”
It’s a very common term. An important part of how their colleagues across the table pursue work. But, to them, it was nothing more than an unfamiliar word in the documentation. I’ve seen some incredible things from the “money guys” through the years. Hard to cover everything. But it happens at all levels. Even just in commercials. Which is easier to talk about since those are not current projects. Here’s a pair of examples to give you a glimpse:
National commercial campaigns cost millions of dollars. Air time, ad agencies, expensive locations, trucks, manpower, and so on. With a budget of millions, I’ve seen those people flat-out lie about how much a commercial airs. Why? To avoid paying an extra 5 or 10 grand (that is contractually owed) to the actor starring in their commercial. Millions spent. Yet, still trying to squeeze someone out of 5k.
I remember a brilliant Yale-trained actor who hadn’t gone on a family vacation in years. But he booked a worldwide campaign for a big computer company. They spent 10 hours filming this actor/musician from all angles. At the end of the day, the head suit whispered a message that was passed down to the actor. He was told, “They just want to get a quick closeup of your hands for an insert shot.” Everyone hugged and clapped as the shoot concluded. The actor departed for his first family vacation in years. Courtesy of this worldwide campaign. When he returned home, there was a message from his agent. The only shot they used was the one of his hands. It was seemingly the plan all along. By cutting him out, they wouldn’t have to pay him a few thousand dollars. In a campaign they were spending millions on.
There are plenty of stories like this. Part of a long history of unreasonable behavior. So, it’s not a surprise hearing anonymous statements like: “The endgame is to allow things to drag on until union members start losing their apartments and houses.”
10 – My dude. I don’t want to be Bad Take Guy anymore. Their GOAL is to drag it on until people lose homes? Who even thinks of shit like that?
Focused on a person more than a device. Engaged. Brain stimulated.
I just had one of those old-school chats. Courtesy of a longtime reader named James. An affable guy who has emailed for years. Apparently, he lives just a few exits down the freeway. Asked if I’d be interested in meeting. Sure, why not? After all, meeting new people has given me the biggest gifts in all my time doing this. Ok, did it used to feel like going on strange blind dates with dudes? Were there very awkward moments along the way? Absolutely. But, man, there are just so many positive examples now. Strangers turning into readers. Then readers evolving into friends.
12 years into all this, it feels perfectly normal.
We met at my favorite Indian restaurant. James didn’t seem to be an internet weirdo or a serial killer. Good start. Actually, he didn’t appear to possess the awkward gene at all. We dove quickly beyond the usual bro date topics. You know that list – sports, food, money, and women. He actually had more interesting things to say. The conversation flowed like a warm cup of chai.
(Editor’s note: That word literally means tea. So when people order “chai tea” at Starbucks, they’re saying, “tea tea.” Just fyi)
Between bites of curry, James mentioned a passage from a book. The name escapes me. Because…old. That author spoke on a topic I’ve been meaning to mention for months. Brace yourself. You might feel some inner resistance…
All of us (yes, you too) are hardwired to be more influenced by negativity. It doesn’t mean you’re not a “positive person.” Just that negative experiences carry a heavier weight.
James brought up this example:
Your broker calls and says, “Buy more shares immediately!!!”
vs.
That same broker calls and exclaims, “Sell your shares right now!!!”
One of those two things will trigger a stronger emotion in you.
(Assuming you are even remotely honest with yourself, you know which one it is)
We all have a bias…a lean.
The reality of this is tough to accept. When two opposite events of equal intensity come at you…the negative one hits harder. Yeah, I know. Something inside you is fighting that. Same as with me. It’s a “programming flaw” that doesn’t feel great. But we could build a skyscraper by stacking up all the research. It’s real. There’s just no need to beat yourself up about it…
This evolved centuries before you were born. Out of the innate human tendency to look for danger lurking in our environment. Y’know, the same shit that saved your ancestors. Keeping them alert about threats to their lives. So, no, it’s not your fault. Yeah, you devoured a “negativity bias” gumbo. But it was marinating for hundreds of years.
Step 1: See it.
Step 2: Irrelevant right now. Since most people won’t get past the first step.
As you know, we humans can be super dishonest with ourselves when dealing with unpleasant feelings. We bob and weave. We do our denial dance. We make up stories.
It’s hard to look at the things we don’t want to be true.
Let me share a memory…
After graduating, I headed out west. Got a job teaching night school at a shitty technical college. It kept my days free to do my real work. The school had an admissions department. Those reps were trained to “find the pain” in any prospective student. To dig. Why do these people want a degree? What’s wrong with their current situation? There’s something they don’t feel good about. Get to the root of it.
For example:
“I hate where I live. We have five of us in a 2-bedroom apartment. It’s a dangerous neighborhood. We need to get out before something happens.”
or
“I wish I could give my daughter the birthday present she wants. The kind of life she wants. It breaks my heart seeing her teased about her clothes.”
Boom.
Now you can close the sale.
Negative bias is a concept that many salespeople understand. The way a strong negative feeling can compel someone to sign their name. And how just talking about positive benefits might not get it done.
Start noticing the ways negative bias lives inside you…
How a 1-star Yelp review grabs your attention differently than a 5-star review.
Or if your spouse hints you’ve put on weight? Realizing they could express how sexy you are every day for the next month. It won’t make the same kind of splash.
Years ago, I wrote a post entitled, “Why Everyone Sucks.”
I’ve written hundreds of better things. By my standards, that was a fairly average piece of writing. But since we’re discussing this concept…
We should also see the ways we manipulate other people through their negativity bias. I got more pats on the back from that post than any other. Why? Because I manipulated the hell out of my readers. Now, I had no clue I was doing it at the time. I just wanted positive feedback. But getting it that way is almost too easy. Rant. Howl at the moon. It’s almost like taking advantage of someone’s handicap.
In fact, why don’t we dig even deeper into this…
Really start looking at social media. Notice how much engagement a post gets when it triggers our collective negativity bias. Or what about the most glaring example? That’s right. Politics. And, no, I won’t talk about Trump, Biden, or any of the specific characters. I just want you to really see how easy this is. Look at how people engage when this kind of tone is used:
“What a disaster those people are.”
“They’re coming for you.”
“That group is infringing on your rights.”
“Your way of life is in danger.”
“I’ll tell you who you should blame for your problems…”
No politician would win by saying: “Guys, look in the mirror. The main reason for your struggles is you. Not because of anything being done to you. Not because of some enemy coming for you. I’m refusing to push your simpleton button. I want to give you more credit than that. So, here’s where I stand on the key issues. Will this put you to sleep? Maybe. But at least I won’t play games with your emotions. Just realize one thing. In the end, none of us will be responsible for how your life goes. Good or bad. That’s up to you. I can’t save the day. None of these candidates can.”
Sounds pretty cool in theory, right?
But we’re not wired to respond to that.
It doesn’t get our blood flowing in the same way. And, with politics, you’re probably thinking of yourself as an exception. But it’s exactly how social media engages you. Or the stories you read. Even just celebrity gossip. You’re drawn to a cheating scandal more powerfully than you are to a story about a steady, happy marriage. This is how we operate. When someone yells at you in traffic, it has a bigger emotional impact than when someone allows you to go in front of them.
Negativity bias lives inside all of us.
So what do we do about it?
Well, that’s up to you. My goal today? Just getting through step one. Seeing it. I’m well aware many people will have a hard time doing that. It’s better keeping shit simple, right? Stamp nice labels on ourselves and avoid looking at how we actually operate. Hey, maybe we should just go all-in. Y’know, pretend that nobody has any impact on you at all. That things like trauma are made-up concepts. And that you are a “positive person” – which means being totally immune to negativity bias. Forget all the annoying he/she/them stuff. Just start identifying as a robot. That’ll remove all the messiness of being a person.
Numerous flights. Multiple cities. A variety of subpar meals at 30,000 feet.
Fortunately, my greatest passion in life is observing people. So, I decided to get to work. While in the air, I conducted in-depth research about our fascinating species. Studying passengers. Compiling pages of notes. Nodding enthusiastically from the back of the plane.
So many lessons were learned. My friends, this is a banner day in the travel industry. Without further ado, I present…
The top 5 ways to be a great seat neighbor on your next flight:
1 – Begin a very loud phone call right as the boarding process commences. Ideally, increasing your volume as you enter the line. Inane conversations work great. And, based on my observations, those are pretty much the only types of phone calls people make.
But don’t overthink this. Your conversation can be work-related, flirty, or an intense argument. Doesn’t matter. Just as long as it remains loud. See, people in airports are starved for entertainment. So, the key thing to remember is that all of your calls should take place via speakerphone. This does involve some imagination. You’ll need to mentally convince yourself that you exist in a time without earbuds, headphones, or AirPods. Much like an actor going into character.
Now, I know what you’re wondering…
How long should this incredibly loud conversation last?
Great question. Attempt to keep it going until the exact moment a flight attendant threatens to confiscate your device. Or until airborne. Unfortunately, this will mean no more entertainment for your fellow passengers. But fear not. You still have wifi on your smartphone. Which means a long journey through the sky – plenty of time to enjoy a John Wick film. Or possibly the entire series. (Important note: Remember to stay in character. You still exist in a time without headphones)
We now arrive at a fundamental question…
Do people on airplanes really want to sleep? Of course not. The seats are cramped and uncomfortable. They only nap because of boredom. Your fellow passengers want one thing most of all – to be emotionally moved by Keanu Reeves. So, crank up the sound. Mimic the explosion noises with your mouth. Seat neighbors and flight crew will appreciate your kind spirit.
Sharing is caring.
2 – Have children. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking. That’s a pretty big sacrifice just to be a good seat neighbor. But, really, what else are you doing? Just view it as an opportunity to get freaky and have a bunch of unprotected sex. Who doesn’t want that? And, just a few short months later, a child will painlessly appear. Super easy stuff.
Now comes the childrearing…
Important step. You’ll want to do this in a very specific way. Because normal is another word for boring. There should be no resemblance between your baby and all the other lame, “well-behaved” little munchkins out there. Life is for living. Your spawn will be a screaming, moaning force of nature. One who routinely terrifies the rest of the airplane. Why is that so important? Because fear of your baby will distract the other passengers from their fear of flying. See? This is the kind of person you are. Routinely thinking of others.
Sure, it won’t always be easy. But greatness never is. Soon after takeoff, the old guy across the aisle will start muttering vulgarities to himself. Others will silently wonder if you brought a demon baby into the world. Fair question. A flight attendant might even Google, “How to do an exorcism.” Yes, your child will wail. Long and hard. Quickly driving the entire cabin to the brink of insanity. But you must stay strong. Their vacation will start in a few short hours. And it will be the best one of their lives. Because they’ll feel more gratitude to be on the ground than ever.
They’ll owe it all to you and little Damien.
3 – Have you ever noticed the power of music? It transports us. Makes us feel more alive. Don’t you dream of giving that type of gift to the world? Well, if you don’t play an instrument, no problem. This one just takes a bit more planning. You’ll need to arrive at your seat ready to put on a concert of sorts. Which takes dedication. Preparing for the day much like a high-level athlete would. You’ll need to eat all the right things, do breathing exercises, and relax yourself. Really get into a gassy state of mind. Then just let it rip for the duration of your flight. When I say “let it rip,” I do mean that in the literal sense. Now, if you figure out a way to time your toots in a rhythmic pattern? Even better. Just remember to vary the notes. Long and slow bass sounds are great…but follow them with quick, high-pitched squeals. Truly great musicians have range. The goal is to be extremely consistent. Keep your song playing until all passengers have exited the aircraft. Don’t be alarmed if they depart in a hurry. That’s simply because they need to catch connecting flights.
Does your impressive stamina deserve a platinum status of some kind? Of course. But, remember, you aren’t in this for trophies or applause. You are simply sharing your gift.
4 – Much like on the ground, it’s so important to take care of your body while in the air. What matters more than our health? Without it, we have nothing. And, if we want to help those around us, we need to stay in tip-top physical shape. Which means learning to set boundaries when necessary. For example…
If someone in front of you attempts to recline their seat, don’t just sit there in silence. That could lead to cramping. Or even muscle spasms. So, push back. And, to be clear, that’s not a figure of speech. Literally push back on their chair with all of your force. It protects your space and is one of the best shoulder/tricep workouts you can do on a plane.
I know what you’re thinking…
What if they don’t like it?
Well, let’s be real. That’s entirely possible. As you know, people are often unreasonable. Someone might even turn around and explain how they’re using their seat in the exact way it’s designed to be used. In that case, do not engage. Just close your eyes. And allow yourself to drift peacefully to sleep. Stress is the enemy of good health. And proper rest is a key ingredient when trying to stay in top physical condition.
Side note: Airplanes do get very quiet. This lack of sound tends to make your fellow passengers very uncomfortable. It’s unsettling. So, if you do snore, that wonderful trait will help greatly as a way to cut through the deafening silence. And try not to think about the irrational person in front of you. Most Americans agree that reclining should be outlawed. No doubt about it, the other passengers will fully support your healthy lifestyle. They will take notice of your commitment to fitness.
5 – I have one final revelation to share from last month’s in-depth research.
Probably the most important lesson of all.
Yes, physical health is critical. We all understand that. But mental health is just as essential. And, far too often, it gets overlooked. We’re so busy looking after everyone else that we forget to have fun and relax in our lives.
An airplane is the perfect place to rediscover your joy. On the ground, you reside in a buzzsaw of activity. Always playing catchup. Never enough minutes in a day.
But in the air?
Hours of free time.
As soon as the drink cart arrives, it’s important to start ordering alcohol. Since you’re not driving, this is a great opportunity to cut loose. You should tell your flight attendant that the reclining person in front of you is picking up the tab. This is what’s known as an “olive branch.” It tells the inconsiderate recliner that you hold no grudges. Everyone makes mistakes. And you forgive them for their soon-to-be-felonious act of selfishness.
When’s the next time you’ll have a stretch of free hours like this? Hard to say. So, really try to cut loose. Alcohol is a very effective relaxant. One without any side effects or consequences. Find your bliss. Drink to your heart’s content.
-If that means busting out some of your favorite show tunes, by all means go for it. Your fellow passengers will undoubtedly sing along with you.
-If that means letting out some stress and breaking down in tears…this is the perfect location to do it.
Bottling up your emotions is a slow death. Don’t you deserve better than that? By the time you land, a heavy weight should be lifted from your shoulders. You should feel reenergized. Far better equipped to take care of those around you.
Oh, and if you happen to fall asleep after drinking copious amounts of alcohol?
Just make sure to stretch your legs in the aisle. It will prevent injury. As well as providing a fun activity for your fellow passengers. They will find great entertainment in trying to climb over your dangling limbs. You’ll provide them with a much-needed form of exercise. They’ll be able to stretch their own legs in the process.
See? Even when asleep passed out, you’re the kind of person who helps others.
Happy travels, my friends!
(Note: Any resemblance in the above writing to people on my recent flights is purely coincidental)
