Sure, why not. I walked into the 7-Eleven with visions of gold coins raining from the sky. Imaging Porsches and palaces. As I strolled through the oh-so-familiar scent of convenience store hot dogs, I began daydreaming about life in Hawaii. How much does a yacht cost, anyway? Maybe I’ll get a fleet of them.
There was just one guy in line. A lone person standing between me and my jackpot. He was an old, skinny bald man with a day’s worth of gray stubble. Regular guy. Soft spoken…maybe a bit sad. Just buying a pack of Hostess donuts. He inserted his debit card into the machine and the annoyed clerk shook his head…
“No money.”
The surprised old man asked in a whisper: “Declined?”
The clerk announced: “Zeeeeeee-ro” (Along with the extra E’s, he also made the shape of a zero with his right hand)
The old man gently took his card, looked down at the floor, and walked away.
The clerk continued on. With a mocking tone, he exclaimed: “No money, no honey!”
The old man flinched. Clearly feeling defeated. And, I assume, humiliated.
He exited the 7-11 without looking back. Never shifting his gaze from the ground.
If I was in a more confrontational mood (as is often the case), I certainly would have had some words for the clerk. Maybe: A) “Hey man, did you really need to laugh at the guy?”
Or more likely…
B) “Seriously, dude? What the fuck were you thinking?”
But I didn’t feel confrontational in that particular moment. More sad than angry, I guess. I just bought my 2 lotto tickets and mumbled, “Lemme get the donuts too.”
Editor’s Note: By spending $1.79 on a stranger, I claimed my rightful place as greatest human in the world. I handed the sad, old man his donuts and soft jazz music started to play. All of his pain was erased by those sweet, powdery snacks. We laughed together and embraced as we watched a beautiful sunset from the roof of the store.
Is that how our magical encounter went?
Fuck, no.
In reality, I awkwardly handed him the pack of donuts. He smiled the only tiny smile he was capable of. No cinematic moment. No powerful words. And no gesture from me that changed his life. He whispered a quick thanks and climbed into an old Ford Explorer. It was full of clothes. He was clearly living in it.
Look, you guys know I write about interactions that make me feel something. But, occasionally, they also help me find a combination of words I’ve been digging for. A larger observation. So, here’s what I’ve been thinking about lately…
Collectively, we are starting to forget how hard this shit is. (Life, I mean)
We certainly remember when it comes to ourselves. Or people we admire. But this life is hard for everyone. At different times and to different degrees. When did we start forgetting that in our conflicts?
At some point, we forgot how to disagree. No, not just about politics. This is a deeper issue now. We’re losing touch with how important it is to see the humanity in those who upset us.
At this rate, it’ll be hard for us to see anything BUT our differences soon. We have a shared handicap now – an inability to work out disagreements. Is conflict new? Hell no. We’re just getting worse at it. So much of our communication is in writing these days. And our handicap has grown with these advances. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. This issue is no longer limited to how we behave online. It has infiltrated our “real world” personal relationships too.
In conflicts with people we care about, I believe there are 3 major things we should all commit to. The list could be much longer. But these are the main things I see forgotten by normal, non-lunatic types. The common symptoms of our handicap. We should write these principles in stone as we navigate our strange new world. Because…if we can’t even do this basic shit? Oof.
1. Commit to not getting lost in the black hole of back-and-forth written arguments. How many times do we need to experience it? Written arguments have a 0% success rate.
Still can’t help yourself? Well, here’s a spoiler alert: A written argument will never go well.
I get it. Having a tough conversation in person or on the phone is challenging. Feels harder. Sometimes scarier. But you have to find the words. And the balls. You need to keep it out of print. That basic level of discipline is so important. Not allowing yourself to go down the black hole of written arguments. At least not with someone you care about. At this point, we should know better. We understand how difficult it is to read tone. We understand that intense words seem way colder in print. We know how common misinterpretations are.
Serious conversations with people we care about? They do not belong in writing.
(We are decades into email and text messages. This should be obvious by now)
2. Don’t run from conflict. Be open to disagreements, arguments, and difficult conversations. Again, just NOT in writing. The first step of success is showing up, right? So, show up for those moments.
Our technological growth has stunted our emotional growth. But it’s ok to feel things. When you’re in a conflict with someone you care about, that person isn’t a sociopath. Right? So, put on your grown-up pants. Allow room for emotions. Both in yourself and others.
If a friend or loved one is angry with you? Well, sometimes we deserve it. And sometimes we don’t. But did you think you’d get through life without being wrong? Without upsetting the people you care about? Show up for those conflicts. Hear people out. If you’re confused about a reaction or interpretation, ask questions. Take a chance. Is there any long-term health without allowing conversations to evolve?
Sometimes you’re wrong, sometimes you’re not. But the ultimate goal isn’t to assign blame. It should be to deepen understanding. When you cut off communication, there’s nowhere for a relationship to go. No way it can grow. Don’t delude yourself (or others). If you care about someone, you will have the tough conversations.
3. This shit is hard (life, I mean). So, try to remember that. When someone you care about is upset, really try to understand their journey. Their experience in this life has been so different from yours. And no matter how close you are to them, the old quote remains true: “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.”
You may think you know. But you will never know. Their battle is theirs alone.
We judge others by their actions and ourselves by our intentions. Because, well, we’re handicapped. That’s why it’s so easy to see others as wrong and so much easier to excuse ourselves.
We know our shit has been hard. What if we try to remember it more with others?
It’s part of an unspoken agreement we all make. You have permission to get older…but need to lose people you love in order to do it.
Julia was tough. Dishing out top-level sarcasm like Steph Curry passing a basketball. Highly skilled. Hilarious. But, like most tough people, she was incredibly sensitive. I imagine you know what that’s like. I think we all do. Toughness becomes a type of armor, doesn’t it? We strap it on and protect ourselves. So often…and for so many years…that it starts happening automatically. Until we’re left with a new challenge. Remembering how to take our armor off.
I don’t know all the specifics of Julia’s childhood. She never elaborated. But I do know it was a deep wound. When she most needed kindness, I get the impression that it was in very short supply.
By the time I met her as an adult, she always seemed to be accompanied by a dog. Fostering more of them with each passing year. And cats too. She eventually moved to Georgia, in big part, to provide them with a spacious yard. I watched rescue dog after rescue dog come into her life. Terrified. Sometimes broken. But, without fail, they always grew to be well-adjusted after spending a little time in her home. After receiving a much-needed dose of kindness.
We look at people with a bunch of pets and instinctively think of them as weird. Man, we can be quick to judge, can’t we? I think Julia got something from animals that she never could from humans. I think she knew what it was like to feel terrified and broken. Because I think that’s how it goes for people sometimes. We all get a different roll of the dice. But those animals brought love into her life. They would never hurt her and she would never hurt them. That’s how it goes sometimes too. We can receive a gift and be a gift all at once.
Julia got sick soon after moving to Georgia. Courtesy of a rare form of cancer that landed in her lap one random day. Quickly, the aggressive chemo started. They gave it their best shot. But, in spite of that effort, the treatment failed. Her doctor shared the news. A few months to live – maybe six. And she didn’t particularly feel like talking about that either. Just kept working, making sarcastic jokes, and continuing on with our “important” debates about world topics. Like why Netflix makes so many bad movies. She, of course, spent much of her remaining energy on finding loving homes for her pets. Clearly, she knew her clock was ticking fast. But she seemed very interested in hearing about my day-to-day problems. I think her plate was too heavy. The daily nonsense on mine was easier to digest. And it blew my mind to realize something…
My most serious problems can literally function as a form of light distraction for someone else.
Of course, she never put it that way. And she didn’t feel that way about it. She just craved any sense of normalcy. Because I think she still wanted to be of service. Her body gave out, not her heart. I think she still needed a place to put her kindness.
At the very end, she knew it was over. No longer able to eat. Very tired and ready to go to sleep. In our last conversation, I told her that she was loved in this life. That I knew it wasn’t always easy for her to feel it. But she really did make life better and happier for people. I told her how much her friendship meant to me. And that I would always treasure those memories.
We humans do so many mental dances. But one of them really stands out…
We lose people over and over again. Then, after some time goes by, we jump right back into our default state. A kind of day-to-day forgetting that it will happen to us too. Sure, our brains understand the idea. But we behave as if this life will last forever. And we can’t seem to shake that mental routine. Not until it’s too late.
I wonder what Julia would do with one more day.
I wonder what any of our lost loved ones might say to us in one last conversation.
And, one day, people will be left wondering that about us too.
Well, my friends, I’ve had quite a strange week. My interactions with the human race were highly unusual. I invite you to come along as we take a journey back in time…
Sunday
My stomach growls. Burritos on the brain. So, I strut into a snazzy, new taqueria for dinner…
I stroll to the counter with ease. The relaxed confidence of a man who has, in fact, ordered food from restaurants before. But then something catches my eye. A disturbance in the force. The young lady behind the cash register seems agitated. Her mouth looks like an upside-down U shape. Eyebrows are furrowed. An unmistakably intense (and possibly homicidal) look behind the eyes.
Do I sometimes misread situations? Absolutely.
But it certainly seems like she wants to: (A) Shove habanero peppers into my ears. Or (B) Drown me in a deep well of hot salsa.
Get ahold of yourself, man. You’re being crazy. This is a complete stranger.
I look up at the dozen hipster burritos on the menu and ask for some quick guidance:
ME Hi, I’m just trying to find a burrito that doesn’t have beans…
(She scowls as if I just asked for her social security number)
ME …because I, uh, don’t really like them…
(She stares into my soul…almost certainly plotting my demise)
ME Beans, I mean.
(She sighs for the next 42 seconds straight)
ME It’s my first time here so I’m just kind of looking for a recommendation. Not trying to bug you. Any burrito without beans would be great.
HER (hissing) Which. One. Do. You. Want?
(I quickly calculate the odds of this burrito being laced with cyanide)
ME Uh, I think I’m just gonna go. This is a little…uncomfortable.
(She appears to be trying to shoot laser beams out of her eyes)
I walk away.
Very quickly.
Monday
Stomach growling again. I wake up thinking, “Man, I could eat a horse.” (Very peculiar phrase, by the way)
There will be no horse on my plate. And probably no breakfast burrito. But anything else will do. My stomach is singing show tunes and there’s nothing in the fridge. I quickly grab my keys. On the way out the door, I peek at my phone and see the daily flurry of text messages. My sister’s friend wants to chat about a weekend brunch. My sister just finished a big work assignment so we’re planning to take her out. Cool, yeah, let’s do that! But my immediate priority is grub. My stomach sounds like Freddie Mercury at the 1985 Live Aid concert.
I jump in the car on a mission to munch…
Rounding the corner, I approach a 4-way stop. Not to brag, but I like to think I’m pretty well-versed on the process involved at stop signs. Y’know, considering the steps are: (A) Stop when it’s your turn to stop. and (B) Go when it’s your turn to go.
I wait patiently for my turn to move.
And then I keep waiting.
I stare at the olive green Jaguar in front of me. A vehicle that stopped a good 5 seconds before I did. The driver appears to be alive. As far as I can tell, he isn’t in a coma. We wave at each other to go. It seems I’ve found a situation even more challenging than ordering a burrito. We stare at each other like cowboys at high noon. Repeatedly waving at each other to move.
Will I ever taste food again?
Will I ever lay eyes on a world beyond this stop sign?
Olive green Jaguar and I wave at each other…7 different times.
Humanity has never seen a more awkward interaction.
(Editor’s note: If you arrive at a stop sign 5 seconds before another vehicle does…for the love of God, please just go)
I finally arrive at the bagel shop. Has spring turned to summer? Also, what year is this? I glance at my phone and read the latest text messages. My sister’s friend mentions a tiki bar from Yelp as a possible location. I quickly write that I’ve been there, found it to be a pretty subpar spot, and counter with a few other options in the area.
By the time my bagel is toasted, a message is waiting…from her husband.
“We’re going to sit this one out.”
Huh?
Wait, what happened?
It turns out that dismissing the tiki bar crossed some type of boundary.
Am I in a Twilight Zone episode??
I reach out to my sister’s friend who says she needs to, “Attend to her feelings.”
Clearly, I’m in for an unusual week.
Tuesday
While crouching down in the toothpaste aisle at CVS, I ponder:
“What’s the world record for consecutive days of bizarre interactions?”
Right then, I feel a tap on my shoulder.
I look up to see a nondescript man dressed in 3 different shades of beige.
He leans down…
BEIGE MAN Are you in line??
(Extremely confusing question. My internal monologue for the next few seconds goes something like this…)
ME In line for what exactly? I’m super curious. Seeing as I’m hunched over shopping for dental hygiene items right now. Were you under the impression that there’s a line for this? Because, unless laws have changed recently, I believe you can just go ahead and shop for toothpaste. Oh, wait…
Are you referring to the line for the pharmacy? Wow. Normally, this would be an unusual situation. But welcome to my week. How hungry are you? Because I think we’re actually closer to the McDonald’s drive-thru than we are to your pharmacist. I mean, can you even see the pharmacy from here? Just make sure to grab some energy bars from the next aisle. You’ll need those…along with some hiking boots…for the journey all the way to the pharmacy. It might actually be in a different zip code.
(Of course, none of that came out. I just said, “No, I’m not in line.”)
I watched Beige Man shuffle away.
And, in that moment, I wondered if maybe the stress of this very strange week was starting to get to me.
Wednesday
If the week wasn’t already crazy enough…
I went up on stage and slapped someone at the Oscars.
(Oh wait, that wasn’t me)
Thursday
Woke up with a funky little limp. Because that’s how it goes, young readers. Climbing out of bed will, one day, become a full-contact sport for you too. Beware.
Anyway, I decide to limp my way over to the neighborhood coffee shop. I grab a nice, refreshing iced tea and pause to admire the beautiful 1967 Corvette Stingray parked on the street. An attractive young woman (in a very short skirt) stops for a moment to look at it too. As she walks away, I find myself engulfed in a cloud of cigarette smoke. Standing next to me is a scraggly dude in a thick winter coat.
The current temperature? 87 degrees.
CREEPY COAT DUDE She’s sexy but I’ve seen sexier.
ME (grossed out) Uh-huh.
CREEPY COAT DUDE Yeah, I’ve seen way sexier.
(We stand there awkwardly for an eternity)
ME Alright man, see you later.
CREEPY COAT DUDE Sixty-nine.
ME (silently) What. The. Fu-
CREEPY COAT DUDE Yup, the ‘Vette I had was a ’69. Way sexier than this one.
ME Ah.
(Narrator: They stood there for the next 29 days just staring at that car)
(At least that’s what it felt like)
Friday
Out the door bright and early to my doctor’s appointment – because I break out in hives now. It’s my new thing. Some type of food allergy that I’m trying to pinpoint.
(So far, I’ve eliminated burrito and horse)
I arrive at my appointment a few minutes late. 85% my fault. The other 15% is courtesy of a Wille Nelson-looking gentleman. I watch in awe as he attempts to back his massive truck into a tiny parking space. Many, many attempts. All of them are mind-numbingly poor. Each one worse than the last.
I start wondering if maybe this is actually Willie Nelson. A lifetime of weed would explain: (A) His excruciatingly slow speed. and (B) His decision to drive a cruise ship on the street.
(Editor’s note: Maybe just pull forward if you can’t crack the code in your first dozen attempts)
I eventually mutter, “Why can’t you just park like a normal person?” but it’s not to be.
The world waits for no man. Unless that man is Willie Nelson behind the wheel of the Titanic.
Finally, Willie notices the line of cars waiting for him to complete his mission. Is he fazed? Not even slightly. With a shrug, he calmly returns to the task at hand. On what feels like my 80th birthday, I’m finally able to scoot by. I hop out and limp my way into the friendly office. A place for healing. A welcome oasis from bizarro week.
I glide up to the receptionist…
Who promptly tells me: “Your appointment is next Friday.”
Saturday
When a week this strange comes along, there’s really just one cure…
Yeah, that’s right.
I’m talking about the hot and cheesy slice of heaven known as pizza.
I make a beeline to my local slice specialist. Limping to the counter, a handwritten sign grabs my attention. It reads: “Due to the cardboard shortage, pizza boxes are only provided for takeout orders.”
Totally confused, I ask the lady behind the register: “Wait, there’s a carboard shortage???”
Immediately, this sweet woman starts laughing as if Jerry Seinfeld has jumped on stage and started riffing.
Sure, I’ve been known to bust out the A+ material. Sometimes even at Walmart, the post office, and grocery stores. But…
A cardboard shortage?
There isn’t a joke within a 20-mile radius of that. And certainly not a funny one. But, somehow, this lady is tickled by my presence. Certainly not the norm over these past few days. So, I keep talking…
“Yeah, now I’ve heard of everything. Lumber shortage, cardboard shortage…”
She’s rolling with laughter. Even using a napkin to wipe a tear from her eye.
What the hell is happening? I’m just reciting a list of shortages. I might as well bring up gas prices too. In fact…
“And what about these gas prices?”
Keep in mind, none of this was an attempt at comedy. You can find funnier routines on C-Span. But this woman had an absolute blast. She was just SO delighted by it all. And as I paid for my slices, she beamed and said: “Oh, you made my day.”
After the weirdness of this week…one odd run-in after the next…I can’t tell you how nice it felt to hear that. It’s an underrated thing, y’know? Unexpected warmth. The surprising little burst of joy that occurs when two strangers share an interaction – and both leave feeling better from it. As I devoured my slices, a thought lingered in my head…
We all encounter so much weirdness in our lives. And, eventually, I think we just start bracing for impact. We go through enough weird moments that…instinctively…we start closing off.
But what if we consciously try to avoid that?
What if we choose to stay open enough to allow our day to be made by a stranger?
(Even one just making innocuous comments about cardboard)
I think there’s something very beautiful about not bracing for impact.
As we get older, our brains get stagnant. To varying degrees. But if we put all bullshit aside…within seconds, you and I could share examples of how I’ve gotten set in my ways and you’ve gotten set in yours. Right? It’s ok to admit it. We aren’t 100% set in stone with everything. But, naturally, we are very comfortable in many of our perspectives. Thinking habits develop over years. And then decades. You and I have both gotten used to thinking in certain ways.
So, today I’d like to do something a little different…
Typically, the goal here (post-retirement) is the same. I try to write words that will: (A) Entertain you or (B) Emotionally move you in some way
(Hopefully)
I try to bounce between those two from month to month. But not today. The plan is to take our thinking to the gym for a workout. Why? Well, shit. Look around. Have you noticed a society that is losing the ability to disagree? One that is forgetting how to consider different ideas? Essentially, our ability to think is decaying.
Here’s what happens so often now…
We hear (or read) a perspective we don’t like.
It causes a rigid feeling inside and we tense up.
A wall gets formed before we can even consider the perspective. It never gets in. Fully blocked.
(All of that happens instinctively in a microsecond)
So, today, I’d like to take one specific example that almost everyone is talking about this week. And I want to dissect it from multiple angles. Not because of the specific incident itself. But as an exercise for our brains. I’ll pick a “safe” and “minor” current topic. It’s one that you will probably have an existing opinion/emotion about.
(Note: By “safe” and “minor,” I mean I’ll choose something that has nothing to do with war, politics, etc)
My goal today is to get our mental juices flowing together. Please keep an open mind the best you can and let’s see where we land at the end. We live in a Twitter-speed world now. Bombarded by headlines and hot takes. The problem with lightning speed is that we lose nuance. Which is not a great thing to lose.
Keep in mind, I’m taking this exercise very seriously. I’ll be writing this one much like a newspaper article.
I spoke to my friends and family to hear their multiple perspectives.
I spent almost every minute of my free time this week devouring every article I could find.
I really, really, really dug through social media.
I binged the most useful book relating to the subject.
I spoke to people who know the parties involved.
I heard from someone who was in the room.
Remember, with nuance, more than one thing can be true. It’s not necessary to choose black or white. A or B. I’m going to cover so many angles that there’s a pretty good chance 100% of you will disagree with something below. That’s fine. But consciously notice your wall going up and at least allow your brain to consider everything. Really let things in. Remember, the entire point of this is something beyond the specific incident. We’re trying to use it as a thinking exercise.
Ok, here we go…
A (Very) Deep Dive Breakdown Of The World’s Most Famous Slap
The Obvious Smacking a man on the very same stage the world is about to celebrate you…is not ideal. Certainly not a great look. Will Smith knows it. That should have been one of the best nights of his life. He muddled it up in a big way. And if he could take the moment back, you can bet the house that he would. Easily the most glaring lowlight of an inspirational career. No real positives about that moment.
The Joke Yes, the job of a comedian is to push past comfortable day-to-day boundaries. Absolutely. But I spent time trying to imagine any other situation in life where I could get away with publicly mocking a man’s wife about a medical condition that has likely caused her significant heartache. I couldn’t think of one. Try for a minute to think of any other example where you can do that without worrying that there might be a reaction. Again, that’s not saying we should go around slapping each other. It’s a simple question. This is a thought exercise, so how does it hurt to actually think about it? And, no, it’s not reasonable to compare male hair loss to female hair loss. Those are very different things. I tried. I just can’t think of any examples. In literally every situation of my life, if I mock a man’s wife about her medical condition, I am fully aware of cause and effect. That there might be a response.
The Slap I found many references to a “punch.” Not that one is better or worse, but they are different. There’s no point in this exercise if we’re not specific and clear. That was a slap. I imagine those who consider it a punch haven’t watched many fights. There is a very significant difference. Smith is a trained boxer who could have hospitalized Rock. Likely with ease. Slapping a man in that way (I’ll refrain from using the slang term) is one of the most disrespectful things one male can do to another. Which was the point. Clearly, his intent was to send a message. Not to cause serious injury. And, obviously, there were countless better ways to send that message.
The Show Itself When exactly did the Oscars move from light-hearted jabs into a roast show? It’s an odd transition. Safe to say that show is not currently a well-oiled machine. I found many references to Ricky Gervais as a host (who, personally, I found hilarious). I understand the point that he was able to “darkly eviscerate” people without getting slapped. It’s not a particularly smart comparison. While Gervais stuck his knife in about hypocritical behavior, dishonesty, and the like…he didn’t mock women over medical conditions. Like it or not, there is a significant difference. I’ve visited many edgy comedy clubs in New York and LA. Spending dozens of nights enjoying absurdly dark material. I have never once seen a woman in the audience mocked over a medical condition. Typically, even with run-of-the-mill physical appearance jokes…men are the ones targeted in the crowd. Rock’s response that he didn’t know about her condition may or may not be true. But it was an unusual joke whether he knew or not.
“It’s Just A Comedian Telling Jokes” I am all for comedians going out there and smashing our comfortable societal norms to pieces. Comedy is comedy. It is their job. To me, with very few exceptions, funny trumps all. If it gets me laughing, I’m in. Just last month, I was at the infamous Comedy Cellar in New York City and sat in the front row. As expected, I was hazed throughout the evening. One comic went on about Indian food, at one point saying: “Your food, man. That stuff is like Celine Dion going in and like DMX coming out!”
I laughed as loudly as anyone in the room. Of course.
As far as I’m concerned, if you can find funny things about my face, my race, my body, my intelligence, my clothes, or any of that stuff….it’s fair game. All good in a comedy club. That said, if I’m sitting there with a mentally handicapped person and a man on stage says, “Hey, look at this retard” then there’s probably a good chance I’m getting in his face and exchanging words. Totally different situation? Sure. But, the point is, it’s so easy to overgeneralize. Simply saying “It’s a comedian telling jokes” doesn’t mean literally everything is all in good fun. Was Smith’s physical response over the top? Of course. But does a comedian have the freedom to say literally anything without consequences? I don’t think so. Ask Michael Richards about that one.
“You Can’t Hit People” I keep reading that sentence. It’s factually untrue. Just saying, “Hey, you can’t do that” is meaningless. Obviously, you can do that. You CAN hit people. But then you’ll have to deal with the response. There will be a long list of potential consequences. We CAN do anything we want. And then we have to live with cause and effect. Mock a man’s wife for a medical condition…you risk a response. Slap someone for speaking those words…you risk having charges filed or worse. It’s not that you can’t do it. What people are trying to articulate is that you shouldn’t hit people. Uh, yeah. Ok. No, you shouldn’t slap a man on stage at the Oscars. And? That’s like trying to spend time explaining that water is wet.
Remember, this is a thought exercise. One of the goals is to get away from black and white thinking for a few minutes. So, even if you say something as seemingly bland as, “Violence is never justified” (as millions of people expressed this week) – are you 100% sure about that? Clearly, it wasn’t the best response in this situation. But does that same generalization fit every example? What if you walked in on a woman being raped or a child being molested…do you kindly ask him to stop? Do you walk away if he doesn’t? Extreme examples, for sure. But those real situations do happen every day. It’s probably not a great habit to speak in generalizations. When we start speaking generally, our brains tend to follow suit. And we start thinking generally.
A Glitch I saw some mentions about how this is an example of how we all got more screwed up by the last couple of years than we realize. That all of us are dealing with a collective sense of weirdness right now. But a few people (some in very funny ways) referred to it as a glitch in the simulation. It goes without saying that I’m not smart enough to know whether we’re living in a simulation. Or to fully understand the concept. But I do know this was a surreal visual. Much like some of the other truly bizarre things we’ve processed over the last couple of years. We’re talking about Will Smith?? The same Will Smith who has been labeled soft and popcorn for much of his life?? I’d say a pretty decent comp in this situation would have been seeing Tom Hanks do the same thing. It was legitimately (and understandably) upsetting to many people to see that image. I get it. Other than those who feel entertained by strange chaos, it was a “brain melt” type of moment to witness.
All Attention Is Good Attention Incorrect. Smith took away from his own moment but also grabbed the spotlight from other deserving people that night. There were people in that room who’d worked their entire lives to earn that moment in the sun. Presenters and hosts who dedicated hours trying to put on a good show. It’s unfortunate all around. Clearly, that wasn’t Smith’s goal driving there that evening. Have you ever experienced what feels like good intentions…before later realizing you just plain had it wrong? That you hurt rather than helped? Well, I certainly have. And this is a glaring example of…wait, what’s that sound? Oh, there it is. I can hear the instant pushback now…
”Well, I never hit anyone.”
That’s great. But the point of this exercise is to give our thinking a workout. Obviously, the slap was a very poor way to send a message. Smith himself knows that. But I imagine all of us have hurt people with words at some point along the way. And, if we’re being very honest, we probably caused more pain with those words than what that slap did to Chris Rock. Do we still deserve understanding? Forgiveness? Respect? Again, those are just questions to consider.
Assumptions Think of dramatic incidents…or literally any interaction between people…in the same way that you visualize icebergs. What you’re watching is a tiny piece. Our entire lives lead up to every moment we have. And one of the most jarring things in reading through the endless reactions was seeing just how quickly and easily people assume. As if they know these people. As if there’s nothing beyond what they just witnessed…no histories, no relationships, no complexity at all. Maybe it’s a timesaver. A way to dumb life down in an easy-to-digest way. But people so often just assume they KNOW. Well beyond this one incident. It’s such a common mental habit. And it’s not a good one. I couldn’t begin to count the massive number of responses I read about this situation. I didn’t see a single person say something like, “Obviously, I’m anti-violence but I’m interested in learning more about how this all went down. Considering I don’t know these guys at all.” Nothing like that. Just reactions. And countless assumptions.
The reality is that I don’t live in the Smith house. I wasn’t the one watching my wife cry on more than one occasion about her hair loss. I didn’t live through any of that. And, clearly, I don’t even know if it happened. Because, again, I was never there. I have no idea what the personal history is between these two men. But I’m pretty sure it’s more complex than a 3-paragraph summary of award show interactions between them listed in an online article. Again, to make it clear for the mentally stubborn, this doesn’t “excuse” anything. That isn’t the point of this exercise. We’ve established that Smith didn’t handle it well. And that he’ll have to deal with the consequences. Beyond that, it’s still incredible how automatically we start assuming in situations. Do you ever look at yourself and find that incredible? How in situations big and small…our brains unconsciously start making assumptions? Well, I find it fascinating.
Our Entire Life Builds Up To This Moment As mentioned, I binged a book this week. It was Smith’s autobiography (part of my obsessive research to write this deep dive). The book is very good, by the way. The closest comparison I can think of is Andre Agassi’s “Open.” Both of these autobiographies are highly unusual. They aren’t the typical toot-my-own-horn fluff. Rather than talking about how amazing the person in the mirror is, both men spend the majority of their time explaining, “This is what a mess I am.” Both books are vulnerable pieces of writing. Simply not the way someone writes when trying to make themselves sound great. I’m pretty familiar with that style of expression. Those books are written to lay shit out there. As you can imagine, I like reading that kind of thing.
Smith’s book was very revealing. He spoke openly about how his father hit his mother and how he…a young child…felt like a complete failure for not protecting her. How, deep down, he felt like a coward for this. And how he desperately wanted to earn her love. His entire life purpose became about trying to make up for his cowardice. We’re all wired certain ways by our childhoods. His self-worth was tied into impressing and protecting his mother…and later his significant others. That became his identity. Fame and money were fancy costumes. But the cowardice was something he couldn’t escape. Years later, even after achieving worldwide fame… as his father was dying and sitting in a wheelchair…Smith visualized pushing that chair down the stairs. Finally doing what he should have done all those years ago.
Again, all of us are thousands of pages into our lives. All of our previous chapters leading up to this current page. For Smith, what a perfect storm of events. All rising up at the worst possible moment. I imagine he came to that celebration giddy to make his wife proud and happy…before sitting through what he saw as a public mocking. About a medical condition she is privately mortified about. In an instant, he sees the pain on her face and springs into action. Maybe a 2 on the Richter Scale, but one that registered as a 10 in his brain. Snapping into protector mode, Smith makes a very impulsive bad decision. One that helps exactly zero people. At the worst possible time.
Is that how it went down? I don’t know. But it’s certainly possible. The point of this isn’t to defend anything. He knows it was inexcusable. I’m simply painting a possible picture of how we got there. An educated guess. Frankly, as human dramas go, this one is far more interesting than any made-for-Netflix movies I’ve seen recently.
Hero Worship What a strange thing. The way we humans idolize others within our human race. It’s wonderful that we can find inspiration in each other. Life would be an incredibly dark place without that. But to expect perfection is wildly unrealistic. And it seems that many of us do. We are all very much a work in progress. It was a good note to end the apology with because those words are just so accurate.
I saw numerous instant reactions where people wrote, “I lost all respect for Will Smith.” I found that to be a peculiar response. To recap…
That “respect” you had for a person you never met was taken away by a moment you weren’t around for…while also not being there for anything that led to or followed it, not hearing that person speak, and not seeing if there was an apology and what that might look like. All of that “respect” given and taken away without ever meeting any of the parties involved – or being in on literally any of their histories – other than what you watched on television.
So, just how thin is your “respect”? Again, it’s just a question.
Social Media Bullying I only saw a handful of mentions about this. It may or may not be a factor here. But it’s something that we, as a society, seem to underestimate the impact of. So many of us now ingest an incredible amount of negativity on social media. One day, maybe a far smarter person will be able to figure out the full extent of this damage. Is Will Smith rich and famous? Of course. But does that somehow exempt him from being human? Absolutely not. I think it’s reasonable to wonder if his being an active social media user…and having his relationship aggressively hammered day after day…combined with his childhood experience…all led up to this perfect storm of a moment. One where he decided he’d had enough. Something that even his mom was shocked to see out of him.
There’s no way to know for sure. But there are still masses of people who find it “weak” to admit to being hurt by social media hate and negativity…who might be legitimately unaware of the toll it’s taking on them. But I do wonder if this was a factor leading up to that moment for Smith. If you’re not at least a little curious about that, let me leave you with another question…
Being honest, do you tend to have more interest in judging people or in understanding them?
Opening The Door Is it possible that Smith’s slap will open the door for others, in comedy clubs, to follow his lead? Of course. He might have unintentionally given permission to others to do the exact same thing. Or worse. Unbalanced individuals could very well follow this example to a crazier level. It might end up being the most unfortunate part of this. Smith has opened so many doors in positive ways over the last 35 years. He has spread joy to more people than probably 99.9% of us have in that time. The man built a well-respected professional reputation over 3 decades. Everyone I’ve ever met who worked with the guy was treated with exceptional kindness. One had his salary raised directly because of his Smith’s care. So it’s a genuine bummer that, in a split second one night, he might have opened a very different kind of door. A significant number of my standup comedian friends and acquaintances seem legitimately nervous about what might be coming. Overnight, their job feels less safe to them.
In an alternate universe, maybe Smith walked up to Rock and whispered in his ear: “Look man, this is a devastating medical condition that embarrasses my wife more than you know. We have a history here. I know her face. I just saw you break her heart so if you say another word about her hair loss, we’re going to settle this backstage. You crossed a line.”
Or in another alternate universe, maybe Smith’s name is called out post-slap as the Best Actor winner. And he says: “Listen guys, I made this night messy for all of you. I realize that. It wasn’t what I wanted to do here. I came here hoping to help spread joy and love. And I didn’t do that tonight. I embarrassed myself in a big way. I thought a joke crossed a line but then I crossed an even bigger line. So, I genuinely apologize to all of you. And I just can’t accept this award. I shouldn’t be honored here tonight. I’m going to leave now and wish you all a much more pleasant evening. I’m so sorry.”
But that’s not what happened.
Reality and what “should have” happened are two different things. Sometimes, there’s a delay for us to understand exactly what we’ve done. Smith will need to deal with the consequences of that moment. Whatever that ends up meaning. And, unfortunately, he might have even opened the door to someone coming after him physically. A certain “Hey tough guy – let’s see how tough you really are” type of response. As always, there are so many potential domino effects to our bad choices. Cause and effect.
Think Of The Children Types There’s a surprising number of people whose go-to response tends to be crying out about kids watching. No matter the scale of the situation. It reminds me of the character in The Simpsons who always screams from every crowd, “THINK OF THE CHILDREN!”
I read through many, many paragraphs full of that type of reaction. Eventually, I imagined saying this in response:
There’s a world you seem to think we live in. It’s not the real one. In our actual world, people (even the decent ones) do make mistakes. We all screw up and we all handle situations poorly. Hopefully, we apologize. We often pay a price for our wrongs – in some way. Hopefully we grow from it. There are no examples for kids who are above that. You will never find someone who is mistake-free. It’s the reality of our journey as human beings. Obviously, there are degrees to things. This was certainly a meltdown. But Will Smith will not be spending life in prison for this slap. To believe your child will be forever scarred by seeing this moment is irrational. Kids can get upset. It’s ok. They can learn life lessons. Not all of them will be pleasant. But just so you know…
On this planet, your children are far more impacted by you ignoring their desire to play because you’re busy on your phone…and by your cold tone in impatient moments…than they will ever be by seeing a slap on TV. Get a grip.
Privilege So many people despise the word. But, man, there is a massive amount of privilege just overflowing all over the place here:
Two millionaires gathering in a fancy room with other millionaires who are all there to pat each other on the back = privilege.
A man slapping someone in a crowded room, having no security or cops say a word to him, and then getting a trophy with a standing ovation a few minutes later = privilege.
Having a life so peaceful that you truly believe your children will be irrevocably damaged by seeing a dude on TV slap another dude on TV = privilege.
Having enough free time that you can spend chunks of it reading about an argument at the Oscars (or writing a deep dive about it) = privilege.
You Embarrassed Black People Types Look, there’s no beating around the bush on this last one. Because I saw a lot of this. If you aren’t black and your instant response was: (A) Will Smith embarrassed the black community. BUT (B) You have never in your life expressed anything positive about anyone honoring that same community…
I have an important piece of advice for you.
Let me word this just right…how do I put it…oh yeah, strongly consider shutting the fuck up.
Relax. I typed it that way for effect. But really try to realize what you’re doing. I’m not going to use a word that gets thrown around far too loosely these days but actually think about this. If the only time you talk about black people as a whole is when you’re pointing out how they’re embarrassing themselves…please look in the mirror. Very, very closely.
Ok, that takes us to our conclusion…
(I told you it was a deep dive)
Conclusion I couldn’t look away. Leaping from one corner of the internet to the next. Absorbing everything I could find. You name it. Words from various generations, multiple races, liberals, conservatives, the ignorant, the smart, the rich, the broke, and everything in between.
It’s clear that Smith will face ramifications. For many, the damage is done. And they are done with him. There’s a sad irony in how surreal the image was – winning such a prestigious award…but managing to lose in a much bigger way on the exact same night. On that exact same stage. And he will undoubtedly lose things. Will he still live a movie star life? Most likely. But there will be personal and professional impacts from this. As well as a glaring stain on his reputation. Smith spent decades on this planet being showered in affection to a degree that few of us will ever know. And, suddenly, there’s a very long line of people who see him differently. As Jimmy Kimmel wondered that evening, “Was there anyone who didn’t like Will Smith an hour ago in the world?”
But here’s something else that will happen…
Every day for the rest of his life…Smith will be hammered online. About any big flaw that can be found. Every big weakness. And, certainly, this major misstep. The daily reminders won’t arrive just from one segment of the internet. Anything embarrassing that can be dug up from his past will be posted. And then re-posted. Over and over again. From who his wife has slept with to incessant edits of the worst 5 seconds of his professional life. In 2022, we are an army of self-appointed lawyers on our couches. And we will relentlessly provide evidence to the court that Will Smith is not a perfect person. I mean, just look at what he is. Just look!
Are you thinking he signed up for that? Fine.
Are you thinking he deserves it? Fine.
But remember, this is one example. One man. We do this now, as a society, as if it’s our national obsession. We relentlessly hammer away. A new person behaved badly or childishly this week? Oh, it’s go time. A million machine guns of mental and verbal childishness will be fired back. That’ll show him. And if one of us gets tired, ten more are always ready to carry the torch. Our mission is to proudly share any flaw we can find in people…any weakness…and “get them.” Maybe it makes us feel superior. Or at least less inferior. But something as messy as this juicy incident? We are practically tripping over ourselves. Hey, look at this video of Jada talking about her beautiful, bald head. Ha, we got you! Oh, look at these videos of a young Will Smith doing a promo against violence…and this one of him teasing a bald man. Ha, we got you again!
Chalk up another “win” for us.
This is our routine. And we do it each and every time like clockwork.
There’s just one pesky, minor detail…
We’ve basically weaponized the internet as a tool to tear ourselves apart.
Dramatic? Yes. Overdramatic? You better hope so.
See, we do this dance so well that we don’t even notice we’re doing it. And it’s not just reserved for celebrities who act crazy. All of the rapidly increasing tension and hostility over the years? All of that contentiousness you’ve felt growing around you? It doesn’t just exist online and stay there. We absorb every bit of it and carry it into our lives. Into us. It’s changing the way we think and behave.
Yes, there was an incredible amount of ego involved in that moment from Smith. It was a jarringly ugly visual. No excuses. Whatever price he pays will be because of his own actions. But more than one thing can be true. None of it changes the fact that under that 9-figure bank account and movie star smile lives an insecure man who doesn’t know he’s enough. One who, in the core of his being, believes he let down a helpless woman long ago. As a coward. And, quite obviously, he still hasn’t figured out how to let go of that pain. Now creating more of it. No need to assume. Anyone interested can read those details. Underneath everything, that slap came out of a person’s insecurity.
So, I guess we do have something in common with Will Smith after all. Because the passion with which we pick apart people’s weaknesses, flaws, and mistakes…the scale to which we hammer away when they slip…is not the behavior of a secure human being.
You and I are living in an insecurity epidemic. Maybe we should recognize that. Maybe we should pay more attention to how we think. Would it be so terrible for us to consciously try and find nuance in situations? And isn’t it about time to figure out what to do in our own minds when:
(A) Someone’s behavior deeply upsets us. BUT (B) We’re not talking about a serial monster who needs to be locked up forever.
Do we mock, attack, and pick people apart indefinitely? Is that good for us…or anyone? Because if our goal is to break each other, I think we’re on a pretty good path to do that.
I noticed so many comments were essentially people just writing some version of, “Violence is bad.” Ok. But I think the internet has that point covered pretty well. So, maybe it’s also time for us to rediscover restraint. More self-awareness when we don’t really have much to contribute to a conversation. Because typing words that essentially amount to “I’m upset” is much like using our keyboards in the same way a baby uses a pacifier.
Look, I’ve never struck a person in my adult life. Obviously, I don’t think we should go around assaulting each other all day. But do you know who else would agree with that statement? Will Smith. No, I don’t know the guy. And, yeah, maybe he’s losing it. Or lost it. It’s possible he’s even a danger to harm himself. But I don’t think it would hurt us to start giving a little more thought to situations on a case-by-case basis. Considering a little more before we race to share our responses. Would that be the worst thing in the world to try?
