Mile Nerd

Tips For ‘22

1. Keep it light
At some point this year, you will make your spouse angry. Such is life. But don’t forget that you have a secret weapon at your disposal. That’s right. You have mastered the art of comedy. The world never recognized your gift? Irrelevant. Because you’ve been blessed with an ability to improvise. In your toolbelt is a wide variety of hilarious material that can diffuse any tense situation. All you need to do is let it out.

Next time you see rage in your spouse’s eyes…and hear ferocity in their voice…trust your instincts. The floor is yours. Place your finger on their lips to stop the yelling, grab your nearest banana, and announce, “Houston, we have a problem” right into it. Crisis averted. Fight ended. Your high level of comedic craftsmanship saves yet another day. As always, deflecting with humor is the key to any healthy relationship. It’s why standup comedians are such happy, well-adjusted people.

2. Use hot new slang
Not many people have the “it” factor. But you do. Humans are drawn to your words. They love to hear you speak. So, always search for new ways to sound more interesting. Like studying up on the latest trends in language. For example…

After finishing a great meal, say:
“This just hits different.”

Express the same sentiment while watching a sunset. Also, during a good workout. And so on. In 2022, everything should hit you differently. Now, at work meetings, your go-to phrase should be, “Let’s circle back.” Everyone loves hearing that. It’s one of those rare phrases that never gets old. Who knows why. Maybe it just reminds people of circles. Who among us doesn’t love a good shape, right? So, say it often.

Finally, look for opportunities to use words like “bae” and “fam.” Just don’t be surprised if people start lining up to hear you speak. When it happens, simply say, “That’s lit.”

(If there’s anyone alive who can resist that phrase, I have yet to meet them)

3. Keep things fresh in bed
Is sex important? Absolutely! And a big key to sexual success is not wasting anyone’s time. Think of it as a race to the finish line. Now, while speed is important, you also need to consider your partner’s feelings. We all value positive feedback. So, share a few words after the deed is done. Maybe look at your naked, vulnerable partner and say, “Well, that was interesting.”

Taking your intimacy to the next level means remembering your secret weapon…comedy. This is an advanced level technique. It requires perfect timing. But waiting for the exact moment of climax to ask, “You have herpes too, right?” will create a classic moment your partner will remember for years.

4. Set reasonable expectations
Do you aspire to be a disappointment? Is it fun to let people down? Of course not. So, be very careful where you set the bar in new relationships…

If you’re a man, remember to always leave the toilet seat up. Don’t forget this. Otherwise, she’ll expect you to put that thing down for the rest of your life. Very unrealistic. Who has an extra 5 seconds each day to waste? Over a lifetime, that almost adds up to an entire episode of Seinfeld.

Now, if you’re a woman, remember to spend 3 hours getting ready for that entire first year. This is critical. Beyond just destroying his spirit (very beneficial in relationships), it also sets up a more peaceful future for you. He will spend all of his subsequent years thinking, “Wow, she’s so much faster than she used to be.”

5. Never apologize
Are any of us right 100% of the time? Of course not. But that’s where the phrase “fake it ‘til you make it” comes in. Or “act as if.” You never want to concede that you’re wrong. Instead, master the art of quickly turning defensive whenever you feel cornered. Otherwise, you’ll be plagued with self-doubt. You might as well just carry a sign that reads, “I am weak.”

But accidents happen. If a “sorry” does slip out of your mouth, remember that your tone should be as sarcastic as possible. This will improve with practice.

Over time, hopefully you can build up enough defensive walls that no new information will get through again. You already know everything that you’ll ever need to know. So, it’s important to tune out the noise. Arriving at a place where you can stop listening to everyone other than people you already agree with. Give it time. You’ll get there. Just remember that if you never let anything in, you’ll never be wrong. And you’ll never get hurt. The ultimate goal for us all.

6. Multitask
Recent studies show that Americans spend more hours using devices than ever before. It’s how we stay connected to our fast-paced world. Want to get left behind? Because, in 2022, you can no longer afford to focus on just one thing at a time.

“Downtime” is a relic of the past. If you’re in a movie theater, remember to periodically check in on how your stock portfolio is doing. Maybe clean up your inbox. When driving down the freeway, take a quick glance down to see which Kardashian is trending on social media. Otherwise, you’ll be out of the loop. Even when relaxing at home, always have at least 2 screens between your eyes and the television.

These simple productivity hacks will keep you at the front of the line. Just do your best. You’ll know you’re on the right track when you get through an entire day without making eye contact with another living person.

7. Don’t be easy to read
People are so binary these days, right? They get locked into one perspective.  Either A or B. Well, you don’t need to fit yourself into anyone’s little box. You can be a true individual. With logic that isn’t as predictable as everyone else’s. For example…

Let’s say you hate “tipping culture” – all those endless tips for service workers. Well, most people would say just raise the minimum wage instead. Makes sense, right? But what if you can both hate tipping AND protest against higher wages? Nobody will see that one coming. In fact, they won’t be able to make any sense of you at all.

Let’s say you hate vaccines because you’re unsure about what’s in them. Better safe than sorry. But what if you also enjoy questionable food truck tacos? And visit discount all-you-can-eat seafood buffets without a care in the world? People will never be able to figure you out. No tiny little box for your logic. You win again.  

8. Engage with the community
Remember when we used to know our neighbors? Those days of yore when we really took the time to care about one another? Well, it all starts with communication. Kind words don’t cost a cent. So…

Next time you’re at the gym, speak to more people. Connect. Why not compliment a random man on his body? If he’s listening to music, just give him a little tap. And then say something like, “I couldn’t help but notice your physique. It really is quite impressive.”

Such an easy community-building gesture.

Even when running errands, pay more attention to the people around you. Let’s say you spot a crying woman. Don’t just ignore her pain. It might be scary, but show a little humanity. Walk up to her and say, “I couldn’t help but notice your tears. Is it because of your haircut?”

That is how friendships take root. It all starts with a person who cares. A giver. It might even be nice to keep a bag of lollipops in your car. That way, you can call out to children and ask if they’d like some candy. Will the community take notice?

You bet.

Newfangled Resolutions

Did you grow up with dreams of being just like everyone else?

Was there a fire in your belly screaming out, “I hope to be unoriginal!”

Of course not. But, every January…we all recite the same, predictable, dusty list of New Year’s resolutions. Why not at least consider something unique?

Or, hey, another way to go is to keep hitting replay on the old playlist…

• Obviously, you want to eat better and exercise more.
• No shit, you want to be happy, organized, and successful.  
• Of course, you want to spend more time with your loved ones and live life to the fullest.

(Editor’s Note: We all want these things. That will forever be a given. It’s like declaring, “I hope to breathe oxygen this year”)

So, here’s what I propose…

Let’s at least try to be a bit more original, shall we?

Something we all understand is that it’s hard to break habits. That’s what a typical New Year’s resolution comes out of, right? Our desire to replace bad habits with good ones. Eating well, working out more often, striving for better things, etc. But there’s one GIANT bad habit we always overlook…

The way we think.

(It ain’t sexy. But, other than health, does anything impact us more than our mental habits?)

So, what do you say…should we try to shake up our resolution repertoire? For 2022, maybe we can start exercising a muscle that the masses don’t even consider. First, a little backstory…

Clearly, I’m not a genius. I also have limited skills in the kitchen and am even worse as a handyman. There’s a good chance you could fill every stadium in America with people who have more money than me. But there are 2 things I take a ton of pride in:

1. I’m an extremely honest person.
2. I know how to care deeply.

We all have our 2 or 3 things. The stuff we define ourselves by. Let’s call these our “home traits.” The main shit right at the bullseye of who we are.

For some, it’s how steady and rational they are. Others define themselves as kind. Some look in the mirror and the main thing they see is a great work ethic. And so on. But there’s something so interesting I keep observing. It’s a common struggle we all have with our thinking…

We have a hard time remembering moments that contradict our “home traits.”

Let me explain…

I could rattle off a dozen examples of the ways I’ve sucked in the kitchen. Or all the times my handywork has been a mess. It’s easy to remember. Because that shit doesn’t sting. It’s not what matters most to me. But what happens when I try to question my home traits…

Ask for 3 examples of me being dishonest last year and I will STRUGGLE MY ASS OFF to come up with an answer.

My brain will try to turn the key, but the memories won’t crank up.  

In short, I don’t want to go there. I define myself as honest. And I don’t like to see any exceptions.

That was a big discovery last year. I saw it over and over with people. We all seem to be wired this way. In spite of our millions of differences, we share this exact mental habit. A kind of protection of our home traits. These tiny little adjectives (like honesty for me) become who we are. So, is there anything wrong with that?

Well, the thing is…we’re human beings.

We’re not just 2 or 3 adjectives.

Your home traits…just like mine…start to make your vision of yourself too narrow.

It becomes too small of a box.

Let’s say your home trait is how “selfless” you are. That becomes the way you define yourself. What you see in the mirror. But the reality is, you’ll have moments of selfishness just like the rest of us. It might be as small as cutting someone off in traffic accidentally because you’re running late. But here’s what happens…

When I ask someone with the home trait of “selfless” to give 3 examples of their selfishness (big or small) from the last year…they will struggle like crazy with that question. Their brain doesn’t want to access to those memories. There’s a mental habit standing in their way. Just like all of us with our home traits.

Here’s a makeshift chart with some examples of how this works (a person’s defining home trait is on the left):

• “Hard worker” – will struggle to think of examples when they were lazy last year
• “Reliable” – will struggle to think of the times they were flaky last year
• “Strong” – will struggle to think of examples when they were weak last year
• “Impeccable integrity” – will struggle to think of times they let someone down last year
• “Nice” – will struggle to think of examples of how they were unkind last year
• “Easygoing” – will struggle to think of times they were rigid last year
• And so on.

Does this all make sense? I realize it’s complicated to express in writing. But the main idea is that, over time, we “become” the adjectives that define us. In our own minds. And we really don’t want to see the exceptions. Personally, I don’t care nearly as much about being rich and powerful or any of that stuff…as I do about being honest. That trait matters most to me. Which is exactly why I struggle to think of examples that contradict it.

So (if you’re interested) here’s a challenge for 2022:

1. Identify your home traits. I imagine you’re already pretty damn familiar with them. I mean, these are the main ways you define yourself. But actually write them down.

2.  Think of a few exceptions. Specific examples from last year when you weren’t those adjectives. For me, that means specific times I wasn’t honest. The examples can be big or small. But, again, write them down.

Some of you are probably wondering…

What’s the point of this? To feel worse about myself?  

Nope. That’s the exact opposite of the point. We cling so tight to the traits we value most. We all do. And, over time, we start clinging on too tight. We do this to form our identity. We take the adjectives that matter most (like honesty for me) and define ourselves in very rigid ways. It gets very black and white. As time marches on, we lose more and more of the gray. The big box of just being a human becomes…the much smaller box of our home traits.

I know this was an earful. But if you’re interested in a unique New Year’s resolution, here it is. Consider spending time with those moments. The ones when you weren’t honest or selfless or reliable or whatever it is that you identify as. Start with this exercise. Then let it grow. This resolution is nothing more than letting yourself “just” be human. Seeing how your vision of yourself has been too small.

And, look, if you just can’t think of any examples of being selfish (or whatever it may be)…

That doesn’t make you a superhero. It means you have plenty of room to be more self-aware.

Too many New Year’s resolutions are about achieving. As if you need to be more than what you are. Like you need to earn or prove something. This resolution is very different than most…

Just challenge your thinking.

I’m sure you’ve noticed how our society can look at things in such polarized ways. All that simplistic, black-and-white thinking can get old, right? Well, we do the same damn thing in our minds with who we are.

This post won’t be for everyone.

I get it.

Totally understandable.

But I think it will resonate with some of you. I hope you’ll define yourself a little less in the ways that feel most familiar. And, once your vision expands past that small box, it will do that for the people you care about too. If we see ourselves in limited ways, we can’t help but see other people like that as well.

Anyway, I think that’s a pretty cool resolution for 2022.  
(along with eating well and working out and all that other shit)

Happy new year, my friends!

Look At The Pictures

I know a guy…

With the ability to be the life of a party.

Not in some Jim Carrey, relentlessly in-your-face way. More like a switch he can flip. Whenever ice needs to be broken, he gets people laughing. If conversations at a group dinner turn stale…he knows how to get the table grooving again. Nothing fake. He’s just kind of built for those moments. With an outgoing personality and a seemingly endless collection of stories…it flows out of him easily. And he certainly never minded a spotlight.  

But most of us change with age.

Over the years, his need for attention decreased. He could still get the good times rolling in group settings…but started to step back once the festivities were in full swing.

He seemed to observe the room more.  

With softer eyes.

And then, one year, he saw something new…

Sure, he was still the court jester whenever groups came together. Doing his familiar song-and-dance at the start. But he noticed that socializing (the very thing that gave so much joy) was actually a stressful experience for some. He started seeing it clearly. At every medium-sized to large gathering…there was one person who appeared almost invisible. Sometimes young. Sometimes old. But always kind of hiding in plain sight.  He realized that by being so wrapped up in the fun…he’d always looked right past that person with the sad eyes.

It bothered him. And now he couldn’t stop seeing it. No matter the occasion, there always seemed to be a person sitting alone to the side. He found himself gravitating to that person whenever groups came together. He certainly didn’t want to be a nuisance. But he couldn’t help but observe the loneliness in those eyes. And he was blessed with the gift of gab, after all. Maybe he could just say hello in case of any interest in a conversation.

He started to make a habit of that.

You never know what might brighten someone’s day, he learned.

People don’t always need a song and dance.

Sometimes they just need to be seen.   

—–

I know a guy…

Who finally learned how to unplug.

This whole world of technology caught him by surprise. He’d grown up playing in the streets. As a kid from another era…he spent his formative years riding bikes, examining insects, and shooting hoops. Technology? Please. He didn’t even wear a watch. The only way he realized it was time to go home was by seeing the sun disappear.

But the world moves fast.

As an adult, he grew more and more dependent on devices. Like everyone. Now, his iPhone was lighting up 20 times each hour. And, much like a trained seal, he’d reach for it without thinking. Was every alert really that urgent? Couldn’t he occasionally ignore the buzzing?

It was getting ridiculous. Ok, he asked himself…who’s in control here?
(A) Man
or
(B) Machine

(Hint: the correct answer was not A)

Society moved full steam ahead. Everyone was fully plugged in now. So was he. Netflix and streaming apps for entertainment (because TV alone wasn’t enough)…podcasts when his eyes left a screen…and a phone always within inches of his grasp. By now, he was even checking his calendar app a dozen times per day. But why? Had anything changed since his last glance 10 minutes ago?

He started wondering:
Is this advancement or obsession?

How many times did he need to check out the price of Bitcoin?
How many opinions did he need to read about every world event?
How much information did he need to absorb from these devices?

…how much was enough?

Being plugged in wasn’t necessarily a recipe for happiness. He found himself more annoyed in general. By the endless news updates. By all the ongoing commentary online from countless strangers. He even got bothered by the way people typed “LOL” randomly into sentences. He didn’t even know them. Why was he so easily irritated?

He started to question himself. Maybe there was a such thing as being too plugged in. Was it really necessary to stay engaged with “the world” each day? It was a thought that had been marinating for years.

He ignored it.

And then, one year, he finally learned how to unplug.

Sure, he still needed to spend big chunks of time with technology. There was no way around it. But he started disconnecting more often. He went for walks alone. Leaving his phone at home felt strange at first. No screens, no music, and nothing to entertain him. Not a single post to read. Just him and his thoughts.

He remembered how to turn down the noise.

And it was a breath of fresh air.

—–

I know a guy…

Who tried on a new pair of shoes.

Since childhood, the truth was clear. He was afraid. The ever-present anxiety sat there like a boulder in the pit of his stomach. All the thoughts played on a loop. Would things work out? Was he enough? Was he worthy of love?

He disguised his self-doubt well.

People looked in his direction and saw a brave, confident dude.

But, despite what the world saw, he spent his life in fear. It was his most comfortable pair of shoes, so to speak. Only the tiniest piece of his soul wanted to yell, “I’M TIRED OF THESE DAMN SHOES!” But all that ever came out was a faint whisper. And it was quickly drowned out by the much louder fears.

He noticed that there were plenty of people who were able to leap without a net. Carefree humans in every direction. Didn’t they know they were supposed to worry? How on earth could they live in such a way?

But, secretly, he wanted to experience that kind of freedom too.

He just couldn’t abandon his most comfortable shoes.

Year after year, it frustrated him.

And then, one year…finally…he took a chance.

He was tired of being scared.

So he tried on a new pair of shoes.

And they carried him to new and wonderful adventures.

—–

You probably figured it out by now, but “the guy I know” in the stories above is me.

“And then one year” comes from my imagination of how 2022 might look.

We humans see things in pictures, right? Our oldest memories live as home videos in our heads. So, as we reach the end of this year, maybe it’s good for us to look at some of those pictures. Of where we’ve been. As well as the images of where we might like to go.

I hope you had a safe and healthy 2021. Obviously, this has been a challenging couple of years for us all. I genuinely wish you the very best in 2022. You deserve it. Hell, I think we all do.

See you in January.

MileNerd out.

Howdy, I’m An Internet Cowboy

Have you interacted with me?

I spend my life online, that’s where I truly run free.

Cowboys rush to cyberspace much like a pirate to gold.

The treasure that we search for? Fresh new people to scold.

‘Tis the life of modern cowboys…daily rides through a phone.

The lasso is our keyboard and we squeeze till you groan.

On Twitter and in comments – that’s where I will always be.

Ready to pick apart your words (forever sarcastically).

No humans get off easy – whether women or men.

I invent new ways to flame you and then I rip you again.

Confused by my aggression, you might turn and ask someone:

“Who’s this conflict-loving weirdo acting dickish just for fun?”

Oh, I showed you who I was right when you clicked into my world.

With clever verbal bombs upon your face is where I hurled.

You tweet “puppies are the cutest” or write “pancakes taste the best.”

I shoot down those lame statements and set fire to the rest.

Doesn’t matter what you type because I’ll tell you that it’s wrong.

Yes, even if your post just says you like to play ping pong.

You might visit local beaches or take walks around the park.

But my eyes are on devices, early dawn until the dark.

You will never get away from me if spending time online.

There’s a million more just like me and they follow this design.

Ice cold jabs and hurtful statements is what Twitter was made for.

Dammit, why can’t I just learn the proper way I should spell “your”?

Spelling errors leave me open to a merciless attack.

At least the latest meme coin earned me 7 figures back.

Like I said, I’m always online and I never miss a thing.

The flipside is my tighter pants (in spite of this drawstring).

See, I haven’t left this room in…oh…I’d say at least a week.

And all of my young neighbors look at me like I’m a freak.

I guess that’s why a shrink might diagnose me as a prick.

The real world is so challenging (I still have no sidekick).

So I hide on social media to prove I’m always right.

Lit safely by my laptop while I pick another fight.

Now my fingers have been bent so long, this hand looks like a claw.

Might have been a bit extreme, I think, to clown my own grandma.

Unsure what I should do now since I only act one way.

I have no other passions and lack nicer things to say.

Could I investigate my anger…maybe try to make a change?

Or venture to the outside world – and learn to act less strange?

Wow, this life will have such meaning when I retire as a troll.

Wait, I have to go OUT THERE???

Screw that.

I guess I’ll just stay an asshole.

Home Team

When I think about growing up in West Virginia, a parade of memories begins to march through my brain…

Most days in Morgantown, the population was a traffic-free 25,000.

But on football Saturdays?

The stadium alone had 60,000 people in it.

My sleepy town roared awake for those handful of days per year. Reporters with camera crews infiltrated the streets, hotels were sold out, and excitement filled the air. On game day, everything felt so ALIVE. As an elementary school kid, I’d throw on my favorite Mountaineer shirt and jump into the car with my old man. First stop? His employer’s tailgate party. Like a miniature crackhead, I’d run for the tent and pile a skyscraper of food onto my plate. It was the type of cuisine I never saw at home – mountains of brisket, racks of ribs, and tall towers of football-themed cupcakes. Even Willy Wonka had nothing on me. Then, with full bellies, we strutted into the stadium. It was time for the main event. Were a million people cheering for the same outcome? Because that’s what it felt like.

Absolutely electric.

In high school, I spent those Saturdays amassing a collection of memories with friends. We snuck into university student tailgates…doing our very best to fit in. Obviously, my best was terrible. Any secret dreams of charming a college girl and walking into the stadium together were not to be. It wasn’t time for that yet. Apparently, you need to actually speak to a girl in order to charm her. But my incredible awkwardness was only a minor footnote on those Saturdays. Walking through the gates flanked by my doofus friends…hearing the roar of the crowd…was every bit as magical as ever.  

Once I enrolled in college myself, game day took on a different kind of life. My hairy roommate Chris woke us up at 5:00 in the morning – courtesy of AC/DC’s “Back In Black.” Cranked to max volume, of course. We rubbed our eyes, yawned, and kicked off the special day by chugging one of these each. Tailgates were now 90% liquid. Most of our pregame time was spent in “the pit” – the craziest area for college lunatics like us to assemble. The kind of place parents warn their children to avoid. From shotgunning beers to keg stands…we enjoyed all the wild drinking rituals that get quickly outgrown in the years that follow. Thankfully so. But, at the time, we were young enough to have an appetite for all of it. I even have some vague memories of crowd surfing from the tops of port-a-potties.

It was absolute madness.

Still, none of that matched the energy of the game itself. Not even close. No matter how old I got, nothing outside the stadium could compete with the beautiful perfection of what was going on inside. As always, that hopeful energy shared between 60,000 fans was the biggest highlight of all.

Man, I adored that team.

But there was one I loved even more…

See, that college football stuff was amazing. But the pros took it to another level. And the nearest big city was just a 90-minute drive away. It’s impossible to fully express what I felt for the Pittsburgh Steelers. All the affection described above was child’s play compared to my massive man crush on the black and gold. So, let’s just put it this way…

In college, I spent a night outside Three Rivers Stadium on the sidewalk to get playoff tickets…

In the peak of winter.

In Pittsburgh.

I was absolutely 100% a fanatic. Sure, the sidewalk temperature dropped to can’t-feel-my-toes levels in a hurry. And it probably wasn’t great for my health. While an angry penguin has never stabbed me repeatedly with his frozen beak…I imagine the pain is similar. But none of that mattered. My excitement for those playoff tickets was off the charts. Plus, there was plenty of entertainment to keep me awake until the morning…

As you might imagine, humans who spend January nights on Pittsburgh sidewalks aren’t exactly boring. We quickly realized we could only take so much shivering. So, by midnight, my fellow diehard fans and I started dragging huge wooden crates over from the Lazarus store across the street. Why would we do such a thing? To light them on fire, of course.

The combination of (A) our possible hypothermia, (B) numerous bottles of whiskey, and (C) our undiagnosed insanity – created quite the scene. As the hours passed, things got a little nuts. One of the guys took a big swig from his bottle, sat in the fire for a few seconds, and then ran around the stadium with the ass region of his Wrangler jeans on fire.

(Obviously, we cheered wildly for him)

Like I said…it sure wasn’t boring out there.

At around 2:30 AM, things finally started to calm down on the ol’ sidewalk. I found myself sharing a nice, quiet moment with the two old guys sitting next to me. Their names (in all seriousness) were JimBob and Bill. In those days, there were no iPhone distractions available. We couldn’t aimlessly scroll through social media. If we wanted to pass the time, we had to make actual conversation. So, at one point, Bill pulled out his Harley Davidson wallet. He carefully removed a well-worn photo of an adorable little girl. After softly rubbing his thick beard, he said in a grunt of a voice:

“She’s the apple of my eye. Means more to me than anything in this whole damn world.”

I was shocked. And touched. Not to mention slightly delirious from the cold. But…wow. I mean, this guy was running around the stadium with his ass on fire just a couple of hours ago.

I said, “Bill, that’s so sweet. What about you, JimBob? Do you have any kids?”

JimBob looked me square in the eyes, paused for dramatic effect, and said:

“None that I know of!”

…followed by a booming yuk-yuk sounding belly laugh. In his mind, he’d just told the greatest joke in history. And it was impossible to resist his unique brand of JimBob charm. The guy was having a ball. So…weirdos that we were…we cracked up until our stomachs started to ache. Sure, it was a frigid sidewalk in the middle of the night. And, no, I’d never see those guys again. But we had a blast out there together. At one point, the team owners even ordered pizza for everyone as a way of saying thank you for our devotion. Or maybe they were just scared we might die on their property. Either way, those were the best slices of my life.   

I loved that team. Every win was a celebration. Every loss was gut-wrenching. But we experienced all of it together. As strange as that probably sounds to people who don’t enjoy sports…it really does feel like being part of something. I think that’s where the affection comes from. You and your tribe are united through thick and thin.

Over the years, my affection for the Steelers was definitely tested…

Poor management, lackluster effort, and questionable decisions became the norm. But then…it finally happened. They drafted a star player with the talent to change everything. The type of quarterback who could throw a ball like JimBob could tell a joke. It was incredible to watch. Unfortunately, my friends in Pittsburgh began to share their not-so-great interactions with him…

Apparently, the star player was making a habit of walking out on checks after dinner. As if he was above paying for food. I had buddies throughout the city and some of them worked at these restaurants. They were literally chasing down this millionaire in parking lots begging him to pony up what he owed. Even when his meals were comped (as often happens with star athletes) he never tipped a cent.

Then came the final straw…

My friend Julie was planning a special birthday gift for her son Max. He’d never gone to a Steelers game, so she wanted to make it an unforgettable experience. She started putting money aside to save up for great seats. Even called in a favor with her boss to get a pregame sideline pass. Clearly, Max would never forget this day. Seemed like a good possibility he might even meet a player. As expected, the kid was overjoyed when Julie handed him those tickets. Much like me in elementary school, he could hardly sleep the night before the game. He woke up early, put on his best team shirt, and jumped into the car with his parents. In his lap was a brand new football. Hard to know for sure, but it certainly seemed possible that Max could end up with a signature or two.

As they stepped onto the field, the kid was in awe. His heroes were standing right in front of him. Since it was very early in the pregame routine, players casually strolled by. Max waited patiently for his moment. And then it happened. The star quarterback passed right in front of him. Somehow, the kid found the courage to speak. With a soft voice, he asked:

“Could you please sign my football?”

The star player quickly grabbed the ball…

…and kicked it down the field.

Laughing to himself while exiting to the locker room.

Max stood there in shock. As did his parents. A teammate saw what happened, chased the ball down, and quickly brought it back. He apologized and scribbled down his signature. But the damage was done. Even as I type these words, I find it hard to grasp such incredible douchebaggery. What the hell? Like a fucking comic book villain, this guy kicked a child’s ball and laughed about it?

Never could wrap my brain around that one.

My team’s star player was a complete asshole. I imagine Max will, in fact, always remember that birthday. Just probably not in the way his mom intended. As for me…after that day, I found it very challenging to root for the team I loved. For a while, I tried to go through the motions. But, man, I just couldn’t shake that image. Until it finally hit me…

I was done.

Look, I’m no moral superhero. I’ve certainly rooted for teams with questionable players. But this one felt personal. I really loved the Steelers for a long time…but, just like that, those days were over.  

You guys know me. I like to share personal stories as a way of making a point. These posts are my way of expressing what’s been on my mind for the last month. So, here’s what I’ve been thinking about lately…

We tend to act like our closest relationships will be around forever. It gives us a sense of security. And, no, I’m not referring to a dumb sports team if that’s what you’re thinking. Let me ask you this…

How many friendships have you seen end in your life? Ever known someone estranged from family members? I imagine you’ve witnessed a person plan to spend their life with another human…until that didn’t work out.

So, my point is this…

Our closest friendships can end. Our dearest loved ones can leave us whenever they want. And I think it’s so important to remember that. Because we take our closest bonds for granted. Yeah, I shared a story about a football team. But here’s the thing…

When I catch a Pittsburgh Steelers game now…it doesn’t mean anything to me anymore.

Relationships aren’t bulletproof.

None of them are.

So, for fuck’s sake, let’s remember to take care of the connections we value most.

They don’t come with a lifetime guarantee.