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From The Observation Deck
You are a voyeur.
Let’s just look at the data:
- You have, at some point, peeked into a stranger’s hotel room when walking by their open door.
- It grabs your attention every time someone has an intense outburst in public.
- You enjoy movies and TV shows. For the exact same reason as the rest of us – because it’s fun to be a fly on the wall. Clearly, you like watching humans and their stories. You even spend your free time doing it.
Translation:
You are a voyeur in life.
Me? I’ve been a captivated viewer of the humanity song and dance for as long as I can remember.
Hell yeah, I’m absolutely a big-time voyeur too.
As a kid, I even took things to another level with what I called “science experiments.” For example, one day I unwrapped a Kit Kat and stuck it in a prominent location. Right on the edge of the kitchen counter. Guess what happened whenever someone walked by? They stopped, broke off a piece of chocolate, and popped it in their mouths. Even family members who claim to not have a sweet tooth. Nobody made it past that Kit Kat.
Clearly, it didn’t take much to entertain me. I did that kind of stuff all the time and thoroughly enjoyed it.
The “science experiments” eventually just turned into a passion for people-watching. As I grew older, I’d grab a drink at a café or bar and start studying the room. Have you ever observed the body language between 2 people on a date? It’s incredible. Sometimes you can actually see the moment a woman decides in her head, “Oh yeah, I’m going to sleep with him.” It’s 100% nonverbal but clear as day. Much like the moment when someone realizes without a shadow of a doubt, “There is absolutely no chance of a second date.”
(Editor’s Note: I probably should have spent more time going on my own dates – but that’s a story for another month)
During one of my people-watching expeditions, I saw a young boy run right into a star athlete who was clearly his all-time hero. Literally rammed right into him in the middle of a restaurant. Boom! The boy’s whole world swelled up into a hurricane of happiness when he realized who he’d crashed into. Just one high-five and a laugh from this gentle giant had such a profound impact on the kid. I wondered if it was the happiest 10 seconds he had ever experienced. Would he look back at that memory for the rest of his life and smile and the thought of it?
On the flip side, I’ve also seen the precise moment a little girl’s heart broke into two. I couldn’t hear a word of what was being said, but it was obviously something huge. Have you ever observed the exact millisecond someone stops being a kid? If so, you probably understand what I’m describing. When a childhood abruptly ends right in front of you, that image gets stored in your brain forever.
Month after month and year after year…I just kept watching the humans.
Even with normal day-to-day stuff, I realized how much we can see about a person if we slow down enough to pay attention. When we really look at them. From people pleasers to confrontational types…from the silently tortured to the habitual spreaders of joy…we are all such interesting characters. Even when we try to hide ourselves, we can’t help but reveal so much about who we are.
As the years passed, I started getting obsessed with how aggressively we get in our own way. What the hell is our deal? I saw it over and over. When push comes to shove, we humans (with very few exceptions) would rather hold on to a shitty identity we’ve grown accustomed to than face how wrong we’ve had it all along.
All of the above probably gives you an understanding of what I mean when I say I’m a big-ass voyeur. I’ve done a lot of watching. To an unusual degree. I just find humans to be endlessly fascinating. But, along the way, every so often…I encounter a “wow” person. Someone who stops me in my tracks. Not because of wealth, power, fame, or anything like that. A person in those categories is often stuck in the same mental boxes as their less fortunate peers. They just have more stuff. No, when I say “wow” people, I’m referring to those who don’t keep banging their heads against the same walls as the masses. They seem to have figured out a better way to live. I’ve spent a long time observing the hell out of them to try and figure out what these people have in common. And hopefully I can articulate it in a somewhat coherent way.
(Disclaimer: In no way am I claiming to be the master of any of this. I’m not even close. The point is just that I’m a passionate observer who notices stuff. Nothing more)
So, without any further delay, here are the main 3 traits I’ve observed that “wow” people share…
- An Ease About Being Wrong.
There’s a certain tension the vast majority of humans have when it comes to being wrong. Sometimes slight. Other times, way more noticeable.
Today, I was picking up lunch and started watching a random lady in the parking lot. She wanted to walk behind a van, but the Camry next to it was backing up. Camry guy wasn’t much of a driver. He was struggling back and forth. The lady could have easily just walked to her right and gone in front of the van. There was even a sidewalk right there. It was maybe 4 steps away. But she stood impatiently waiting for the Camry to back up out of that space. It occurred to me that…even in these tiny ways…we can have such a hard time changing from our original thinking.
“Wow” people have a very different relationship with being wrong. An ease about it. And this branches out into so many significant benefits. It allows them to be much more willing to fail. In big ways and small. Their life motto almost seems to be, “Dare to suck.” Because of that, they are so much more eager to try new things. I’ve watched it closely for years. Wondering why their lives seem more full and vibrant than most. And it all seems to grow out of an ease with being wrong.
The reality is it’s way harder for most of us when it comes to the big stuff. I know many of you are probably thinking, “Oh, I can be wrong, no problem.” But now look honestly and deeply at the biggest things in your life. Who you are, what you believe in most strongly, and what you stand for. Are you open to the possibility that you might have some of it wrong?
Hey, maybe you’re more comfortable with it than most. But I’d be confident betting every cent that many of the people reading these words (myself included) are on a path to reach the end of our lives and realize we had something big very wrong. You see it happening with old folks all the time when they finally “figure it out” at the end. Others won’t even get that far. They’ll never be able to even consider being wrong in any significant way. Obviously, I don’t know most of you. I can’t say any of this for sure. But I’ve observed this relationship with being wrong very closely. And with so many people. It really does blow my mind to think about how much better so many lives could be…if we just allowed room for ourselves to be wrong about the big stuff.
Possible Solution:
Again, I don’t have any answers here. I’m just an observer. But isn’t our relationship with being wrong something we can practice? Wouldn’t we just get more comfortable being wrong by saying it more, thinking it more, considering it more, etc? This certainly seems like an important muscle to build. And, clearly, the “wow” people have it way more developed than the masses.
2. Emotionally Articulate.
- Some humans are John Wayne types. They repress their pain and shove it all below.
- Other humans feel the need to appear happy at all times. As if they’re putting on a show.
- And some humans look at emotions as an annoyance. Almost aspiring to be a robot.
But “wow” people have a different way of handling their feelings…
They accept their humanity. Not just trying to feel the same way each day. They can articulate their pain, anger, and joy. Does that make them perfect? Hell no. But it does make them more comfortable in their own skin. A “wow” person wouldn’t poo-poo therapy or pretend to be ok when they’re not. And, because they don’t need to seem strong all the time, they are also able to ask for help when needed. Instead of building a fortress out of repressed crap and getting trapped inside forever…they actually deal with messiness head-on.
Possible Solution:
Again, I’m only an observer. But I’ve actually seen how effective this one can be. For a week, carry a notebook with you constantly. Again, just for a week. All you need to do in this notebook is write down every time you feel a new emotion. Simple, right? Ok, but now think of how often someone impacts you emotionally in a day. The nice person at the store who makes you smile, the dickhead in traffic who makes you upset, the scene on TV that reminds you of something sad. And so on.
The notebook thing is a very simple idea. We tend to think of ourselves as logical people. But humans are such emotional beings. By actually recording all the changes you go through in a week…the notebook exercise tends to be a revelation. And who knows what might happen from there? I’m certainly no expert. But, if you do commit to the week, I don’t think there’s any way to avoid being surprised by how many feelings you go through in that time. Most of you will probably ignore the idea. That’s understandable. But at least ask yourself one question – is there a good reason to not want to be more emotionally articulate?
3. Love Of Life.
Every “wow” person I’ve ever seen has a deep love of life. Unfortunately, as we know, there’s a wide range of traumas people go through – some to extreme degrees. It can be an uphill battle just to know it’s ok to love your life. Or to know that’s even possible. I certainly can’t tell you how they got there…but a “wow” person wants to fill their cup and let it overflow onto others. We all want to be seen as kind and caring, of course. But I have yet to meet a truly kind human who isn’t also kind to the person in the mirror.
Possible Solution:
Obviously, this is by far the hardest one. I’m a universe away from being a doctor. Clearly, we are all dealt very different hands. I have no possible solution to this one. All I know is that the inspirational “wow” people seem to live with a deep sense of gratitude.
That’s all I’ve got, guys. Those are the 3 traits I’ve found most commonly shared between the kinds of people who stop me in my tracks. This is certainly not earth-shattering news. I can’t imagine the emotionally retarded guy who struggles to be wrong and hates his life is out there wow-ing a bunch of people.
(As I was typing this, I started remembering one of the many times my perception of a situation was wrong. I’ll leave you with that final story)
Bonus Story
Many years ago, I used to teach an adult computer skills class at night. I constantly walked around to look at the work on people’s screens. Most of the night, I was flying from student to student. It was a tight squeeze and occasionally I’d brush against someone’s chair. No big deal. But, one day, my boss called me into her office as soon as I walked in the door. One of the ladies from class had come to her in tears. Apparently, this student was furious with me. Huh? I hadn’t spoken 15 words to her since the first day of class. She always just sat there quietly doing her work. But my boss explained how this lady was talking about suing the school. How it was VERY serious and needed to be addressed…
Wait, what?
My jaw hit the floor as I listened for the next few minutes. Apparently, the lady claimed that I rammed into her chair over and over. And that I did so intentionally every time I passed her. That she was just trying to learn a new skill and I wanted to pick a fight with her. She worked as a bus driver and claimed the stress of this mistreatment made it very hard for her to do her job.
What. The. Fuck. Was. This?
I was furious. Much like a cartoon animal with steam coming out of his head. I mean, my students loved me. I tried my best to teach these people every night…and now I’m being accused of complete and utter bullshit? Why the hell would someone just make up lies? I had a room full of witnesses. How could a person do this?
We sat down for a conference. Me, the student, and my boss. I was so angry that I literally couldn’t see straight. All of my energy was focused on how badly I was being wronged. The more angry I became, the more the student sunk into her chair. Please. Don’t act like the victim here. You’re the one making up lies about me!
This went on for the next few minutes. And then…
The student broke down crying. She couldn’t speak above a whisper. But she finally started explaining that she worked the overnight bus shift at the airport for many years. And, late one night, when transporting a single passenger to a fairly deserted parking lot…she was raped. The words were barely audible. That incident caused a domino effect in her life, countless problems, and a deep loss of trust in people. She finally said, “I understand that you’re probably not bumping my chair very hard. But you have to realize…for me, it feels like an attack each and every time.”
This is the person I was yelling at?
I immediately felt 3 inches tall. I apologized and told her that I had no idea of the impact a bump like that would cause her. We worked together to try to figure out a way to help her feel more comfortable in the classroom. And around me. You better believe that I never bumped into her chair again.
Looking back, I was so offended by “her lie” that I didn’t even bother to ask why she was telling it.
Sometimes we can be wrong even when we’re right.
